Christina hates Valentine's Day. She believes Valentine's Day is a preposterous holiday, and will claim it's a holiday that tells people to be romantic and spend money on chocolate and flowers when really couples should surprise each other with romantic gestures and flowers throughout the entire year and not just on one day. However, although her opinions are valid and reasonable, Christina is considerably biased in her opinions considering she's never had a valentine.
I, on the other hand, have no complaints as I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Alycia's car on our way to a planetarium on none other than Christina's least favorite day of the year. Alycia wanted it to be a surprise, but surprises are hard to keep in the Bailey household and Christina couldn't help but crack when I asked what Alycia was planning. The planetarium is an amazing idea, but I find it hard to watch the stars above us when Alycia is the one sitting beside me. She's more beautiful than any constellation or nebula could ever be to me. She catches me staring at her multiple times, but doesn't mention my gawking and instead keeps her focus on the presentation around us as her cheeks redden.
After the planetarium, Alycia drives us over to a restaurant that I can't pronounce the name of with steaks worth more than my life. The place is crowded, but Alycia made a reservation weeks ago and we wait no more than five minutes before being escorted to our table for two. I look around at the couples flooding the restaurant and notice that most of the couples appear affluent and the average age being well in their fifties. Most of the couples look like at least one of the people in the relationship cheats on their partner regularly and the other one is well aware but pretends not to notice so that both can live civil, but unhappy, lives in their overly extravagant mansions.
As we sit and order our drinks, Alycia is the most comfortable I've ever seen her in my presence and she rambles on about her clubs and sports and how she misses dancing from when she was younger. I take in every word as if it were her last and something hits me in this moment that I've been repressing and denying for the last four months since Alycia asked me to be her girlfriend. I'm looking at her and all her perfection and it's hurting me now more than ever to know I've deprived the rest of the world from this girl for so long. I smile and I stare at her and in this moment I am infinitely guilty because I know I shouldn't be anything but impossibly happy.
Alycia has not done anything wrong. She never does anything wrong. Yet something is still telling me to run away from her. She deserves the world, and something is constantly screaming at me that I am not the one to give it to her. I adore Alycia with every fiber of my being, and I care about her more than I can put into words, but my feelings for her are not enough to stop the doubts that creep into my head the moment she walks away from me at the end of the day. I have forced these thoughts out of my mind for the last four months whenever they begin to pop up, but my resilience is wearing thin and I know this is the moment I break.
I keep repeating to myself that I adore Alycia, and I'm selfish to be anything but happy, but it doesn't help. I want Alycia to be the person I finally fall in love with, but I know she isn't. I can't make myself fall in love with her. That's why it's called falling - no one does it purposefully. No one can force themselves to care more than they are capable of caring for certain people. My feelings for Alycia are undoubtedly real, and everything between us is perfectly fine, but I keep second-guessing our relationship. I keep second-guessing if I am good enough for her. I know I'm not.
I don't know what it's like to be in love, but I know it doesn't feel like this. It doesn't feel like guilt that I should be feeling something more for the person sitting across the table from me. A million and one excuses run through my mind as to why I should not be the one with Alycia here tonight, and she should not be the one here with me. If the excuses stop, there's blankness. A void where a list of reasons why I should be with Alycia should be cramming my mind, but nothing appears. The one reason that comes to mind - the only reason that comes to mind - isn't even true all the time. Alycia makes me happy. When I'm with her, I'm happy. When I'm alone? That's when the excuses come pouring out and the overthinking begins.
Alycia doesn't deserve this. She deserves nothing less than someone who is completely and utterly on all accounts infatuated with her. She deserves someone who loves her the way she loves them. She deserves someone who is capable of giving her the world. She deserves someone who doesn't doubt the decision to be with her. She deserves anyone but me. Alycia is everything anyone could ever want in a significant other. She is kind, generous, funny, beautiful, caring, smart, honest, and loyal, but there is still something missing. I don't know what it is and I'm questioning if I should be looking for it, but I know I won't find it. I've been searching for a missing piece the last four months and I have had zero luck finding it.
I swallow the thoughts. The excuses. The doubt. The pain. I swallow it all until the only thing I'm aware of is the girl sitting before me. I shake the negative thoughts away like a dog shakes water off after a bath, and I attempt to focus on the girl I know I shouldn't be with.
She'd be devastated if she knew I believe I don't deserve her. She'd try to convince me that I do. Even if she realized I really don't deserve her, I know she'd attempt to make me stay regardless. I don't know how I make her happy. Especially knowing I make myself so miserable.
I can't ruin tonight, so I continue to swallow my thoughts and I smile at my girlfriend as if there is nothing wrong and this is the only place in the universe I want to be. Her eyes light up the moment she smiles at me, and my heart feels as though it's going to give out. Christina is right. Valentine's Day is the worst holiday.
I don't know what love feels like, and I'm sure it's full of doubt, but my doubt isn't in Alycia - none of these issues lie within her. Every issue I have is with myself and feeling like she'd be better off without me. It's not some insecure feeling I have believing that I'm not good enough for her, but something I can't explain. I'm comfortable, and I know she is too, but I'm not excited. I don't get anxious thinking about going on a date with her. I don't count down the moments until I see her again. I don't talk about her nonstop until my friends wish that I would shut up. None of those are requirements for a great relationship or feeling anything real and I understand that I have no reason to feel guilty but I can't stop my brain from overthinking the one question I wish I didn't have.
What if we broke up?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Happy New Year everyone!
My apologies for the shorter chapter, and the long wait for an update. Hopefully I'll be updating again later this week.
Chapter song: "Moon Shines Red" by Jamie McDell
Until next time,
Adrienne (:
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