Love Yourself | Bangtan

The Ledge

The view of the night sky was amazing from Namjoon's bedroom window. His family lived on one of the top floors of a very tall apartment building. Every night seven months ago he would look out the window, just thinking.

Every other night for the last three months he would sit on the ledge, just crying. Namjoon thought for a long time that he was the cause of his family's pain and suffering. His heart ached for them, he loved them so much. Seeing his loved ones in pain was torturing him.

Although he could not have been the source to all of his family's misfortune, he felt like he made everything worse. He felt as though he wasn't worth it, the pain. That he wasn't even worth air. He couldn't take the guilt. Namjoon couldn't shake those thoughts...

About seven months ago Namjoon found out something that would change his sister's life forever. He knows something that his sister didn't even know. Making him feel like he had some fault. He took responsibility for everything and painfully watched things unfold.

•••

7 months earlier

It was about 10:30 at night and Namjoon just finished studying. He had a very important exam the next day and needed the sleep.

He turned out the light and crawled into bed before hearing a quiet knock at the door. Namjoon sighed getting up and answered it. His sister stood there with her head hung low.

"Eunha, what's going on?" Namjoon whispered moving out of the door frame letting Eunha come in. Eunha didn't say anything to Namjoon, she just sat on his bed with her face in her hands weeping. This would leave Namjoon heartbroken.

The two was always close, they were a year apart. So there was never a time they could remember that they didn't have each other. Eunha would always come to Namjoon first with her problems, but like Namjoon she wouldn't cry in the presence of anyone. Seeing his sister in tears was very unusual, and deeply worried Namjoon.

Eunha was fully clothed with a jacket on, meaning she just got home from sneaking out. This concerned Namjoon even more. He immediately held his sister tightly as she broke down and crumbled in his arms.

"What happened?"
She didn't answer.
"Did someone hurt you?"
She was still silent.

Namjoon gave up and held Eunha. It took almost fifteen minutes but Eunha finally collected her self. She spoke two words. Those words meant many bad things for her and potentially one great thing.

"I'm pregnant."

Those words hit Namjoon like a truck, running him over and crushing every bone in his body. He couldn't talk. He just nodded and held Eunha closer.

"I don't know if I can tell mom and dad... please don't tell them," she cried. Namjoon nodded again but he didn't mean it. He knew that they needed to know even if Eunha wouldn't keep the baby.
"Are you going to..." Namjoon started to ask
"I don't know."

Namjoon turn the lights on, to see that Eunha was holding bloody tissues. Her nose was bruised and he knew what had happened.
"Did Sunghyun do that?" Eunha nodded and started to cry again.

The next morning

Namjoon got little to no sleep that night, he just looked out his window and thought about everything. He thought about telling his parents the most.

That morning he made up his mind and knocked on his parents' door.
"Yes," his eomma said getting up and opening the door. Just by looking at Namjoon's face and that he was up before she was, there was something going on.

"Mom, don't get mad..." he said walking in with a whisper.
"Namjoon, just say it."
"Eunha is pregnant," Mrs. Kim's face dropped at those words. She walked around Namjoon heading for Eunha's  room. She opened her door to see her daughter crying in bed.

"What have you done, my love. You're only 18, you've ruined your life before it started..." Mrs. Kim said walking over to Eunha and hugging her. Eunha stopped her crying and stared at Namjoon with fire in her eyes. She mouthed a word to him, "leave." It burrowed through his chest like a dagger and punctured his heart.

Ever since then Eunha would refuse to talk to Namjoon. Of course, because they lived together they had to speak but it was all fake. "Good morning," "Good night," and sometimes "Get out the shower!"

Mr. and Mrs. Kim would fight more, it took 3 months before they could look Eunha in the eyes. They were ashamed of her, they wouldn't ever say it but Eunha and Namjoon knew.

She apologized for disappointing them, they eventually accepted it. They would be good grandparents they said to her, letting her know that baby wouldn't be disowned but embraced.

Things seemed to be going well for everyone that wasn't Namjoon, he was suffering. He knew that Eunha was sneaking around with her boyfriend for a while but never said anything. He didn't warn her or tell their parents. It was a secret that he knew because he trusted her to do the right things.

•••

Today

It could have been different... He thought to himself as he dangled his legs over the ledge. Namjoon does that more often, he sits as though he's going to jump. He hears his parents argue every day, and sister cry herself to sleep each night. Torture.

He goes to school and talks to no one, it has always been that way. However, the lack of friends was taken care of by his sister and her friends. Now all he does is go home, study, and sits on the ledge as though he's going to jump.

He, was the top student, making his parents proud. He wasn't happy. Namjoon saw how people looked at themselves in the mirror or talked about themselves in essays. They loved themselves. He had never, ever felt that. He looked in the mirror and seen his small apartment, parents bank account, and sadness. Even as a young child he has seen every mistake he had made.

I wish I could love myself...