Love Yourself | Bangtan

Wanting You

Jinsoo woke up to Namjoon's arms firmly wrapped around his waist. He intertwined their fingers studying how their hands fit into each other. Namjoon's big hands made a great home for Jinsoo's smaller hands. "Gosh, why won't you kiss me, you fool?" He whispered to himself and giggled. "He would never be so bold, huh."

He looked at the larger male longingly, he was full of wonder and questions. Eyes wondered to Namjoon's lips, they tempted him, his own forbidden fruit. "Fuck." He rolled his eyes and turned his back to Namjoon. Then he flipped around again, but shook his head and turned to face the wall once again.

Jinsoo, fed up with his own emotions and urges, closed his eyes. However, they shot open when Joon's hold on him tighten. His thick arms pulling Jinsoo's backside firmly against his front. Namjoon snuggled his face into the crook of Jinsoo neck, tickling the smaller when he groaned.

"I like it when you are this close, and you frame blends into mine... but you keep moving." Namjoon's husky morning voice was groggy and deep sending chills through Jinsoo.

"I'm sorry." The younger said with wide eyes and his usual small voice.

"I-" Namjoon cut himself off trying to gather the proper words and the courage to actually say those words. "I know you're getting more and more impatient, but have you ever thought that I'm just simply not ready?"

"W-what?"

"I'm just not ready to face the fact I dream cute and not so 'cute' things about you. Or that you make me soft and pudgy."

"I-"

"No. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to know what I am and what I feel. Let alone telling the person that is making me question all the things I thought I knew, you know?"

Jinsoo turned to face Namjoon with a frown on his face. Namjoon put the blankets over his head in sheer embarrassment. He didn't want to do anything more at the moment than to hide. Maybe it was the fact that he was almost admitting his true, dark, and shameful feelings. Or maybe it was because he felt something welling behind his eyes, and leak down his warm cheeks.

"No, Namjoon please look at me." He said and pulled the blankets off of both of them. Namjoon looked at Jinsoo with his teary eyes.

"I am so very sorry, Namjoon. I really should know better, I should. I don't know why I'm being this way... because I do understand what you are going through." He started to feel tears well up too.

"I shouldn't be crying.." Namjoon said and covered his face with his hands.

"No Joon, it's normal. Look, I'm crying too!" The younger boy's voice cracked as his tears fell. "I know how it is. All of your life you are told by adults and stupid fucking stories, that you'll fall in love. They don't just say you're going to fall in love, they tell you who and how to love. When you realize you don't love how everyone else wants you to love, you've disappointed them... well at least it's how it feels. Fuck it, you disappointed yourself too. If I'm not who I think or who they think I am, then who the fuck am I? I know Joon, I know."

Before they knew it they were holding each other crying uncontrollably.

Once Jinsoo's tears dried he turned to Namjoon and cupped his cheeks and wiped his tears. "I feel so bad. Like I just realized I haven't even come out to you. Maybe it would help you..."

"You don't have to" Namjoon sniffled.

"No, Joonie I want to. So, Namjoon I'm gay, I like boys... like a lot. I used to think it was a negative quality about me. It really isn't though, but not everyone would see it that way." Jinsoo said with a big proud smile.