Levi PoV
It's been 4 months since you're gone. 4 months without your warm embrace and your soft smiles. Nights alone in bed feel so cold. And even sunny days seem incredibly dark. 4 long months that felt like eternity.
14th October, your birthday, was hard enough to spend without you. Crying, Screaming for you to come back, filling my lungs with hot smoke over and over again. And in the end just falling asleep in a cold, empty bed again with dried, salty tears all over my face.
But today is even worse. It's Christmas. One of the few days we had always spent in peace together. A day where we didn't have to worry about our friends dying or another wall to be broken down. It was just peaceful. We used to watch the small, glittering snowflakes fall down to the frosty ground. When we did that, we usually sat in front of that huge window. Sharing a blanket and your strong arms thight around me.
But this Christmas is different. I never had a reason to celebrate Christmas alone. But after I met you, after I tried to fight you and after I began to trust you...fall in love with you, it became my favourite day of the year.
Now I'm sitting in a dark, cold room all by my own, looking at what's left from you. Your chaotic notes, your clothes that are ripped and still soaked in your dried blood. And your necklace that you had given to me right before you took your last breath and fell in eternal darkness.
Hanji invited me to eat with her and the other cadets. But I denied her offer because I don't want to see their happy faces when they open all those stupid presents, wrapped in old, already partly torn papers.
Christmas, last year, you gave me that golden necklace, do you remember? It was your mother's. I told you that I couldn't accept it. That it was to precious for me to own. You then said that I was the most precious thing to you and that it was a tradition to give this necklace to the person you love.
Right now I'm sitting by the window alone. Instead of the blanket I'm holding a bottle of probably cheap Whisky in my skinny hands. That burning, disgusting tasting liquor is now the only thing keeping me warm. I'm starring out of the window, watching the snowy tree tops sway in the freezing wind that's blowing. Watching some cadets sitting by a fireplace, almost drowning in their oversized coats and dirty blankets. They're probably. singing some of those shitty Christmas carols I've never liked and never will come to like.
Do you remember how you used to sing various of those terrible songs all December long? I told you to shut up and that it was annoying. You then just laughed, small tears forming in the corners of your eyes. However, 5 minutes later you would sing the next song. Probably one I hated even more. Now I miss your bad singing. This horrible silence is suffocating me. I hear your voice, hear you laughing. Is it really you or the alcohol? I don't know. Maybe I'm just going insane.
Suddenly my stomache is growling, interrupting my thoughts, begging me to eat at least a few bites of that horrible tasting food. But like I lost interest in most of the things I once enjoyed doing, I also lost interest in eating. Food just started to taste like cardboard, to dry to swallow and all similar in flavour.
Now all of my shirts, which once used to fit me, hang loosely down my weak, bony body. My collarbones stick out unnaturally and my skin is almost as white as untouched, fresh snow.
You would probably tell me that I look like a mess. Sharp, gray eyes turned dull. Almost looking like dusty marbles. Hair is now as thin as spider silk and the undercut is as badly cut as before I met you. The only thing that's still the same is the little, golden necklace.
On Christmas evening you always used to cook for everyone. You would wear that ridiculous red apron. I've never been able to hold my laughter when I saw you in it.
Remember the Christmas you taught me how to bake gingerbread men? When we were done, we had flour all over us and smelled like we bathed in vanilla icing.
I like those memories, even though they hurt more than anything else.
As I look out of the window again I notice that my vision is blurred. The pale moonlight and white, blue and black colours paint a distorted picture. Hot, burning tears slowly run down my hollow cheeks. Before the painful memories of you can consume me completely, I take a big sip of the Whisky and lean my head against the cold glass of the window. Closing my eyes. Slowly breathing out. Taking another sip. And another one and another one. Soon, when I bring the bottle to my lips again, I realize that it's empty. So I get up and stumble along the hallway to get a new one. Were the walls always moving?
After I somehow manage to find my bedroom again with a full bottle of Whisky in my hand, I open the door. I stop dead in tracks. Mouth falling open. Too shocked to move. My legs too heavy to lift. I feel like I sobered up in merely five seconds. Could it be true?
With eyes as wide as the moon and filled with disbelief I stare at you. You standing there. Blonde, soft hair. Shining, blue eyes. Broad shoulders. You. You wearing one of those unbelievable ugly Christmas sweaters I always used to make fun of. I'm haluzinating, right? It can't be you. My brain must be playing evil tricks on me.
Suddenly your calm, deep voice distracts me from my thoughts. "Levi." The moment you say my name the bottle crashes to the floor, spreading the strong smelling, yellowish liquid all over the place. Tears flooding my already red eyes.
You walk towards me and the next thing I know is being surrounded by your scent, secure in your arms. Small fists thightly clenching your shirt and head leaned against your muscular chest.
"Merry Christmas, Darling.", you soflty whisper before gently kissing my forehead. I look up at you, still shaking because of the shock and the only thing I manage to say is a broken sounding: "How?"
"I've always been by your side.", you answer quietly. After that your warmth leaves me and you walk over to the huge window, taking the blanket from my...our bed with you. Sitting down on the big windowsill, you open your arms as an invitation for me to join you.
Step by step, still a little bit unsteady, I make my way over to you.
Back in your warm embrace, head leaned back against your chest and small, bony hands holding thightly onto your strong arms.
Closing my eyes, feeling your heartbeat, your scent and your warmth all around me. Finally I can just let go and relax.
You whispering sweet nothings into my ear and me telling you how much I miss you. There's nothing else we need to talk about. Sweet smiles, gentle kisses and soft touches. That moment I realize that you're the only thing that can fill this horrible emptiness inside of me. "Please never leave me again.", I plead over and over again. You just smile with a hint of sadness in your eyes.
Being calm for the first time in 4 months I can feel the consequences of all the sleepness nights. I'm consumed by fatigue, my eyelids as heavy as concrete. Slowly drowning in this sea of exhaustion I drift off to a dreamless sleep. And my last thought is about you. My last memory is you caressing my hair. And the last words I said were "I love you".
As I wake up, I find myself in my bed. It's cold. Still drugged with sleep the memories of last night come back to me. You. Like a maniac I jump out off bed, searching for you. I run around the room, panicing. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my right foot, followed by burning. I look down. The bottle I dropped yesterday. A piece of broken glass sticks in my foot while a few drops of dark red blood escape the wound. The floor is mostly dry again, only a few patches of the wood still soaked with the wasted liquor.
When I notice a note on the windowsill, I run over to it, not minding the injury anymore. I can't believe my eyes when I read what's written on the small piece of paper. It says: " I love you. -Erwin"
I stare at it for a long time before sitting down on the bed again.
Was it a dream? Was it my imagination? Was it the alcohol? Or was it a Christmas wonder?
I will probably never know. All I know for sure is that when I woke up, your scent was still filling the air.
YOU ARE READING
Christmas with(out) you- an Eruri fanfiction
Fanfic"It's been 4 months since you're gone" ~ Painful memories. Too much Whisky. With Erwin death also a part af Levi died. This story is about a special Christmas that turned out quite different than anyone might have thought. ~
