The Darkness Within

Chapter 5

Jano had settled into living with Maz. It had been almost six months since she had arrived, and she was starting to help Maz around the bar. Every night she would sit in her small room and stare at the ceiling. Part of her wanted to grab Ben's lightsaber, to look at every scratch, every mark, to cherish it. But another part of her wept at the thought. It would be sheer torture to think on him so much. Deep within her, Jano could still feel that ache in her, but she seemed to find peace when she emptied her mind and spoke to the darkness in her head. I am no longer a Jedi. I suppose that I am just another human in the galaxy. Jano had never known her parents, she had been told that they were studying the Force, but they were discovered and someone had killed them. She had been brought up by a Resistance fighter who,upon discovering her talents, sent her to train with Master Luke. I wish that I could still train, somehow.

"Thinking of your past again, Jano?" Maz said, startling the girl. "Dwelling on it is not always bad, but try not to dwell on the bad."

"Of course, Maz." Jano hesitated for a moment, then asked. "Is there a way to learn more of the Force without a teacher? I know I can't study as I used too, but can I do anything?"

"You are a smart girl. Nothing is worse than a mind that stops learning." Maz smiled. "I have a few books that you might read. I can not use the Force myself, but I have enjoyed trying to understand it. I shall bring you the books in the morning, get some rest now."

"Thanks, Maz."

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\\\\\Jano was thrust up against the wall by the masked man. He laughed as she struggled to breathe.
"It's no use, girl. You can do nothing for your friends, they are all dead. Every. Last. One." He emphasized letting his words almost drip with bloodlust. Suddenly she could see all their faces, all those padawans that she had smiled at, all the apprentices that had civilly helped her up after a fight while nodding approval, and even the faces of the few young knights that had caught her eye and winked in passing. All of them were staring up at her, their eyes glossed over by a layer of death. The last face she couldn't see well, but a very familiar face spoke to her. "J-Jano.. y-you could have s-saved us." -You could have saved me. And then the face became clear, the dark locks of curly hair fell away and a trickle of blood slid down his chin as he stared at her. I love you. His last thought burned in her head.//////

A scream escaped Jano's lips as she sat up in her bed. Sweat and tears wet her sheets. She sat shaking for a good hour, her eyes ever on the saber. The saber of the boy that, yes, she had loved. Or liked. Jedi do not love and certainly as I am so young, it could not have been real love. But the ache inside surged and her heart felt like it would rip itself from her body. She did not sleep that night. She cried for an hour, then sat shaking till the morning.

Just as the sun began to peek over the hills, Maz came to wake Jano.  The girl sat shivering in her heated room, fear and sadness shake people more than cold ever could.

"Jano. You need not help me today. You need rest. Though you really need to think things over for a bit, leaving them as they are will just make it harder when you do face this fear." Maz patted Jano's head and smiled before leaving again. "Think my dear, and talk to someone if it will help."

Jano sat in her bed for several hours thinking of it all. She had been certain that the masked man had killed Master Luke, but he was not dead. He was running, running from his faults, running when all the galaxy needed was for him to be strong and fight for them. Coward. Jano thought and darkness seeped into her mind. A bitter seed found ample soil deep within her and she felt sick, sick that he had been her mentor. 
How did I ever see wisdom in him?
Jano's eyes caught sight of the lightsaber and she took a deep breath, before reaching over to pick it up. She could have forced it to her, but this was a treasure and she held it gently, as if it were a newborn babe. She stroked the handle, where Ben's strong hands had gripped it as he lunged at his sparing partner. She touched the end of it, where his sweat had dripped when he had angrily slashed through remains of dead droids. Her hand drifted along each deep cuts scratched into the handle, remembering each lonely year that he had marked there.

"It's your birthday today, Ben."
Jano said to him the day of his nineteenth birthday. He shrugged.
"There is nothing special about it. Just another day." He said.

"I think it's a special day." Jano's hand rested on his shoulder.

"Want to help me mark how I remember it?" He said giving a small smirk at her sweetness.

"Sure."
Ben walked to a side table in his apartment and pulled out an iron file. Then he walked back to where she sat and took the spot beside her.

"I mark each year here on the handle of my saber. Would you do it for me?"

"Of course, if you want me to." She smiled at him sadly taking the file and saber. "But afterwards we are going to do something for your birthday. We'll make it special, then the mark will make you happy whenever you see it."
She began to scratch another line onto the saber.

"If you do it that lightly, the mark will fade in a year or so." Ben said placing his hand on the hand that held the file. He helped her scratch a deep mark into the saber. They surveyed the work they'd done.

"That looks alright. What do you think?" Jano nervously looked at him for approval. His brown eyes seemed more gentle to her. She felt his hand still on hers. A knock came from the door before he could respond. His hand lingered on top of her hand as if he didn't want to let go of it, but then he slowly slipped away and opened the door.

Jano felt tears prick her eyes and she could almost feel his hand on hers again. It had been that day that the feelings and thoughts of him had started. That day things seemed to change. If only we'd had more time. A tear slipped down her face to her chin. She kissed the last memorable mark on the saber and laid down, letting all her hidden emotions come pouring out with her tears. "I loved you, Ben." She whispered against her sheets, uttering the forbidden words. I wish you had known.