Thoughtful thoughts

day 1

It's been hard the couple of years. Went through things I never expected. I took reckless decisions and payed for them.

From other people's perspective, I'm part of the lucky population that can provide for themselves and do not depend on other's help.

But even the lucky ones have reasons to feel unlucky at times.

February 2016, was a beautiful month. I would like to believe it was the most beautiful in my life, but then again, we always have moments that we define as "the most beautiful time of my life" and same goes for people.

Why?

When I came to UK, I left everything behind me. I didn't care about anything except my future. I'm a very straightforward person when it comes to following my dreams. Nothing and no one could matter. (Call me selfish, but there are times when you must be selfish to win bigger)

Besides family, friends, my cats, my aunt and my beautiful country, I also left the one person I've met in my life that cared for me as much as I cared for him. I don't know about you, but I believe that the highest level of love you feel it when the person you love and cherish the most shares the same feelings about you.

When I met him I was so excited. I thought it really must be just a dream. It was a mistake. I saw his picture on Instagram, liked it and wrote a comment just because I liked the horse in the picture. He replied to me and seconds after I saw him liking my pictures and sending me comments. I loved it.

Few weeks passed and still couldn't figure out how to send him a message and ask for his number. I was new to social media. I didn't know you could send messages there as a matter of fact, I don't think you could do it at that time.

One day I was on Facebook and going through my messages, for some reason I checked my spam messages and guess what??? I had 11 unread messages from HIM. My heart dropped. I was so excited that I couldn't even feel my heart anymore. I thought I stopped breathing at some point. It was one of those moments when you ask yourself " How the hell this happened?"

We started talking...and talking...and taaalking and we couldn't stop talking. I thought it was love at the first sight except we've never actually met yet, but God knows how much I wanted to. Few weeks passed and we decided to meet on a Monday, the 6th. Talking to him one night I was telling him how excited I was to finally meet him and I honestly couldn't wait. I remember telling him " I would love to see you now. I feel like Monday would be forever." and he just said "Ok, let's meet now. Give me your address."

It was Friday the 4th, 21:00 pm when I finally met HIM. That was the start of a beautiful, honest, innocent love story until I messed it up. Being so happy with him, I forgot about my other big plans of leaving the country and study in UK. Sooner than later I found myself in hundreds of situation when I tried to tell him about my leaving. And I couldn't. It killed me.

Until one night.

We had dinner and I went to his room and I started talking. I remember him grabbing my arm and feel him shaking. I looked at him and he started to cry. I thought the sky fell in my head. I never felt more pain in my life than in that moment. He was furious. So angry. Upset. It was heartbreaking for me to watch the person I love getting hurt because of me. He accused me of using him. Be with him just for fun. One last relationship before I would go. That I was selfish and that I didn't care about him or love him.

I went home and I cried for hours that night. His eyes were keep coming to my head. That disappointment and anger was all over his face. Days passed and he refused to talk to me or answer my never-ending messages. I just wanted to give him an explanation and the reasons why I couldn't change my mind. I never expected anything more from him than accepting my honest apology.

I was so grateful when I met him again and never in my life felt so much guild for causing pain to another human being.

Weeks after, we met couple of times and he agreed to accept the situation and actually continue the relationship as it is. Try to see if it works.

I arrived to UK and months after, we both realised there was no point for this to move forward and I don't know, but I felt quite relieved that it didn't end for any other reasons.

We remained friends. Good friends. I would call him anytime I needed an advice, or someone to complain to, have a nice, friendly, honest conversation with someone or when we both needed to hear those 3 words that would make everyone happy to hear at the end of every conversation "I Love You". And I did loved him. I never stopped caring about him.

February 2016.

During January, same year, we were talking as usual, and decided to go in a much needed holiday. We were both exhausted from University, Exams, Jobs...we needed some time off. So we planned this trip to Barcelona for February. I swear, waiting for that trip felt like yeaaars. I couldn't wait to meet him again.

And we met.

I arrived first at a different terminal. I had to wait for him for one more hour. And OMG, the second I saw him....I can't find the proper words to describe how I felt. We probably hugged for couple of minutes until we realised we probably looked a bit awkward in front of so many people.

Those days were magical. I never felt so close to him. I believe we both felt like there were unfinished business between us. We never actually had any arguments or reasons to break up, so for us there was no break up. Then the unexpected happened. Few times I heard him talking on the phone in his own language with someone, which I didn't care much to be honest. But then I heard some familiar words he used to call me when we were in a relationship. I didn't ask questions because I wanted to avoid finding out something I didn't want to. I felt hurt and I didn't say anything. Nights after, it happened again. It was what we all know it as, " the goodnight call". One night I was so angry hearing him talking to HER and being so happy, that I left the hotel room and ended up crying in the hallway. He didn't come after me, which made me feel worse than before.

I went in and found him waiting in bed. He saw my red wet eyes and told me "Come here. We need to talk." Those four words that makes you feel so miserable. Hearing him saying that, It confirmed me it was about a girl. It was about HER. I was right. I never wanted to be more wrong than in that moment.

I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. It took him couple of minutes to make me feel comfortable looking at him. Once he start talking, I felt like re - living THAT night when I told him I'm leaving. It was awful hearing talking to me about another girl he said he wants to have a future with, a marriage eventually.

After that night we both knew. That was THE end. The final definite END if you could call it that. I pretended to be happy for the remaining day but truly, I couldn't wait to come home and cry in my room. I wanted to be isolated. No contact with humans. Nothing. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that for too long. I had to go to work where I was in contact with sooooo many people. It was painful to try to look happy.

We talked weeks later. He wanted to know if I was ok. But how could I be?

In reality, all I could think about was " Why such a beautiful week had to end with catastrophic results? Why can't I have at least few moments of true happiness? How did it all have to end up this way?" And every time I asked myself that, I started to cry.

But I understood. I knew that it wasn't his fault. There were just these unrealistic expectations I have always dreamt of. Those perfect fairy tales that we all dream about. He did nothing wrong except continuing living his life, like I did. The only difference between me and him was that at that time, he was in a happier place than I was. Everything in my life at that moment was going bad. I had no reason to be happy and in the back of my mind I was hoping to find comfort with him, in Barcelona.

The truth is, what happened in February 2016 in Barcelona had to happen. After so many years I always thought " Maybe we are meant to be together. One day we will meet again and be happy. Get married, have kids and live happily together for the rest of our lives". I found closure in Barcelona. The closure I definitely needed to open my eyes and heart to other people too.

Love comes into our lives at the most unexpected times but it also goes when you least expect it.

Madame B.