Spare Hearts

Painful secrets

I woke up to the sound of someone singing in the shower. it wasn't my dad because he never sang or had showers this early in the day. I saw Luke leaning on the door frame smugly. I sat up and realised it was Paul the personal worker singing quite terribly in the shower. I joined in with Luke's laughing and we both ended up on the floor in fits him we heard a knock at the main door.

"Yeah?" Luke asked

"Where you laughing at me?" Paul says acting offended. I laugh at his little act of offence before grabbing my phone which I kept my blades in, under the case.

"I'm going for a shower" I tell Luke and he nods. I go tithe airing cupboard and dig into the corner where I kept some bandages. as I walked into the small bathroom I instantly felt the warmth of the steam from Paul's previous shower. I turned the water into cool and stripped down. I tried to avoid looking in the mirror but I did. I was revolting. sweaty, fat, blotchy, greasy hair and a face like a cows arse. I felt hot tears drop onto my chest and scurried into the shower. Washing my hair an body while crying. I left the shower on as I stepped out and pulled my hair into a low bun. I grabbed my phone and removed the case. grabbing one of the silver, bloodstained blades. I placed my arm over the sink and sharply dragged the blade across my wrist. It felt amazing. I did it again. and again. and again and again and again until my forearm was covered. all around. probably a few hundred? some deeper than others, bit still deep and bleeding. I sat on the edge of the bath and continued on my thighs. watching the blood puff into beads before spilling into the bath tub.

"Ash?" shit that was Luke.

"I uh, I'm almost done!" I called.

Luke sighs "okay."

I rinse the tub and sink out and wrap bandages round my arms and thighs. I pull the large towel round my shoulders, hiding all the bandages. I put my blades back into my phone case and unlock the door. checking the bathroom once more. I felt faint but not unbearably. I walked into my room and locked both doors, dropping the towel and grabbing A thin, long sleeved sweater with the words 'le fleur' on it. I grabbed some black jeans and dried my hair slightly with the towel. I put on my normal eyeliner and mascara and trudged downstairs, my wet hair sticking around my neck. I go into the kitchen and grab a slice of watermelon. Luke is sat at the table with Liz, dad and paul, I perch on the kitchen workroom and start to munch at my water melon. My dad looks somewhat sincere and Liz is an emotional wreck. Luke looks optimistic and Paul looks... How he always seems to look - a mixture of sincerity an optimism.

I put down my now fruitless watermelon slice and grab my phone from my pocket. there's a text from my nan saying good luck and one from tesco telling me I'm almost out of data. Opening the twitter app which has two notifications... one is from my friend Josephine saying "it'll be ok". I scoff a bit too loudly and gain looks from the people sat in our kitchen. Luke raises and eyebrow before shaking it off. I slide off the worktop an head back upstairs. finalising the contents of my overpacked suitcase. slip a compact mirror in between my T-shirts and sweaters. Luke suddenly shows up in my door way.

"We're just about to go," he smiles sympathetically. knowing how much I was dreading the next however long so of this therapy nonsense. it made no sense to me at all. I get up and pull my case onto its wheels. following Luke across the landing and down the stairs where my dad, Liz and Paul were all stood by the door. Luke grabbed his case from the bottom of the stairs and lugged it to Paul's car, me trailing behind. we threw the cases in the boot and Luke closed the top.

I looked at my dad and he gave me an optimistic grin whilst crying and Luke's mother stood bawling we eyes out and telling us how she loved us and how everything was gonna be better after this. I guess I was hoping everything would be better after this but then again I couldn't remember what it felt like to not constantly feel numb. To be encaged in your own mind. To be depressed. and I was scared as hell as to what life woul be like without it all.