in tribute to kim jonghyun.

2

The day of his leaving, I remember that I was just crying in the street, not knowing what to do, feeling alone. I remember dreaming that all was just a nightmare. I remember crying at night, in my bed, listening to his songs. I remember crying so hard that my eyes were red at the morning. I remember wishing that nobody would ask if I am ok, because I didn't have the strenght to lie. I think that I will always remember the way some of my friends were looking at me, they'd look so worried. I remember feeling I was going to fall at every step i'd take, I remember spending several days leaning on someone's arm. I remember having the feeling that I wasn't in my body, that I was just watching my own life from above. I remember feeling frozen in the inside.

I remember a wave of strenght, one day, that make me want to talk about my past depression to a friend. I remember feeling so proud of me because that was the very first time, and feeling so good after because even if she didn't really understand what I've experienced, she was so respectful.

I remember feeling fine for a few minutes, exhausted but fine, and then in a flash I remembered that he was gone forever and my heart dropped to my stomach. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat...

I remember thinking "so now, I have to live like I am fine even though, without him, I would have been gone for years now ?"

I remember seeing people saying "go tell your idols that you love them", at that time I remember that I didn't have mine anymore. I remember knowing that it will hurt me so hard for the rest of my life.

I remember wanting to spit in the face of people around me "Ok, he's not one of my family's member, ok I didn't know him, but fuck without him I wouldn't be there today".

I remember people around me telling me to change my mind, to think about something else, I remember thinking that they didn't realize that my whole life was based on his existence, I remember believing  there is no way I don't think about him, that he was everywhere. That's right, he's everywhere : He's my morning alarm, I have pictures of him in my room, my laptop's wallpaper was him, Spotify plays me his songs, my tl twitter is full of tweets about him, etc...But I have to move on.