You Will Survive.

Bulimia

“I’ll never do it again” she thought, as she pulled her hair back and wiped her sour lips with toilet paper. Her face cringed in disgust as she stared at remnants of her Caesar salad swimming, floating, and then sinking to the bottom of her favorite wishing well. Who would have thought this habit would be so hard to break?

Wearing only her grey cotton sports bra and panties, she stood in front of the mirror. Her sclera was covered with small scarlet veins. As she analyzed the reflection of her half naked body, her crimson veined eyes glossed up with tears. She hated this guilt, this habit, this disease.
Seventeen year old Sandra has been struggling with low self esteem since she was a young child. Everyday time she stares at a plate of food, voices of her aunts echo in her mind.

She never forgot the first day she felt worthless. It was at the family Christmas party when she was five years old. Sandra was excited to wear her brand new red velvet dress, the kind of dress that little girls wore with ruffles on the shoulders and a black bow that tied in the back. Sandra lined up with her two skinny cousins and made her way to the buffet line. As she walked past her aunts they stared at her with a disapproving frowns. Being the typical weight conscious Filipino aunts that they were, they stared at the amount of food on Sandra’s plate.

“Sandra cheeks are getting too big. Are you going to really eat a second serving of food”, said Auntie Emms.

“Yeah Sandra, why don’t you just give that piece of cake to your cousin Melanie or else you won’t be able to fit in your new dress next month. That’s Melanie’s favorite flavored cake anyways” said Sandra’s mom in agreement with her sister, Emms.

In embarrassment, she dropped her plate and ran to her room crying as she locked the door behind her. That night she prayed to God that she would wake up thinner. At five years old, Sandra learned that herself value was measured by the size of her pants and dreaded numbers on her weighing scale. Eating became an act of shame. Sandra refused to eat in front of anyone.

In middle school, thirteen year old Sandra discovered the benefits of bulimia. With the evolution of the internet, she was always on the family computer. There she decided to join an online social network called Xanga. Through Xanga she joined an online community called “Mia loves Me”. “Mia” was a nickname for bulimia. .Every day she would check her email and communicate with girls across the world who also hated their bodies. Sandra and her internet friends updated their online journals on a daily basis. There Sandra would read about their weight loss journeys. She was given tips and tricks on how to stay thin and found comfort in poetry and pictures of celebrities that promoted bulimia. Sandra quickly found support she longed for on the internet and believed that sacrificing food was a glorious act of willpower.

Putting her knowledge into practice, she decided to test out her new found tips at a family party. After eating dinner she ran to the bathroom. There she was kneeling in front of her wishing well. She prayed at that toilet for a miracle. She wanted a sane mind. She wanted satisfaction. She wanted to be thin. She contemplated on whether or not she should stick her finger down her throat .She must have been thinking in front of that holy shrine for at least half an hour.

“Hurry up Sandra, I need to pee!” cried Melanie.

“Ok, I’m almost done” yelled Sandra.

Sandra turned on the hot water so the sounds of her gagging would be muffled. Feeling satisfied after purging out impurities, she flushed the toilet, washed her hands and brushed her teeth. This was her new ritual. She knew it could be glorious. She had the support of her friends online. She had the pressure of her family weighing her down. All she wanted was to reach her goal of being as thin as her cousins.

After a year of her secret bond with bulimia, friends and family began to praise her for her weight loss. Her jeans were looser. Her shirts were baggier. She discovered her collar bones for the first time.

In high school, she was the president of her junior class. She was popular, loved and idolized. Nobody in school knew she had a deadly habit. Nobody knew her gums were aching from the daily stomach acid that burned her tooth enamel. Nobody knew she had a dangerously high blood pressure. She only realized how bad her lifestyle was getting when she collapsed at fourth period in her gym class after running two miles for her end of the year fitness test.

Three months of therapy passed. After gaining enough weight, she was finally released. It was torture, being forced to eat in front of nurses and peers. So of course, she was excited to go home. For the first time since April, she ate dinner with her family in her dining room. When dessert was ready, she excused herself and said she needed to check her email. Again she read letters from her Mia sisters. One email stated:

Dear SandMia86,
I haven’t heard from you in months. I hope you are well. I know it’s tough. But you can’ overcome this struggle with being fat. Never give up on your weight loss journey. Beauty comes with a price. It’s about will power girl. Sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to reach our goals. You’ve come along way. You’re so thin. You’re so beautiful. Keep it up.
Love,
MiaScrumtious

After reading the letter, Sandra ran to the basement bathroom, near the home office. She stood in front of that toilet, glossy eyed once again. With tears dripping faster than the hot water running from the faucet, she held her hair back. She stuck her finger down her throat, and with her glossy eyes closed, she vowed to never do this again.