Him

Chapter 18

Jaime held her in his arms and rocked her to sleep then carried her up to her room, well her and Jj's room, and came back to sit across from me in the couch. I had been meaning to get the upstairs bedroom ready for her because Jackson will want his own space but there was just so much to move. To be honest I couldn't bother.

"I really enjoy these Saturdays you give me with her."

I smiled at him and handed him a glass of the wine I was drinking. Yes wine, hot chocolate can't help right now.

"Be glad Jj isn't here," I laughed remembering when they met for the first time. Since then I arranged- who am I kidding? Jj asked to me to allow him to not be here when Jaime was, so on Saturdays he stayed over at his friends', Mom's or Janae's.

"You know I think one day, when we meet again under different circumstances, he might like me...or over time" He smiled and took a sip of wine.
"You better hope so, three years can go by very quickly."
He grinned.

"He is just not use to seeing another man so don't mind him," I took a bigger sip of the wine.

"I have been meaning to ask you about that."

"Why haven't I dated since Jackson?" I looked at him and he nodded.

I put down my glass on the table.

"I tried once, like I legit went on a date with this guy," I cleared my throat, "but as soon as he said 'hello' I said 'nope! can't work' and left."

He laughed, "Are you serious?"

"Yup, glad I never saw him again; he might trying hitting me with his car or something," I smiled.
There was silence for a bit.

"Do you really regret what happened between us? Be honest, I can take it." He took a sip of his wine and looked at me.

I thought about it. "Excluding the fact that it lead to my baby," I nodded, "I mean if it happened on any other day, any other day that wasn't the 10 year anniversary of my marriage, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much...but it would still hurt because I am still in love with him." I took up back my glass and took a sip. "Some people might call it stupid but its just- h-he was it for me and its not easy to just agree with myself to stop loving him because he is gone."

He nodded in comprehension.

"If I'm being honest, when I was there dancing and getting lost in the music I felt so free, free of everything. All the stress and grief just went away, at one point I was even singing. After Jackson died I had pretty much stop singing like I used to, that's partly why my career crashed and burned," I chuckled, "I felt like I wasn't entitled to be happy. I felt guilty to be happy and singing made me happy so I didn't sing. I couldn't sing." I had never talked about this before. I didn't even have anyone to talk to so who could I even tell?
"But when my hips were swaying and the music, oh it felt so good- like when Jackson and I went to that club. We were fire, Jaime, fire!" I mimicked fire blazing with my hands.
Both of us laughed.
"But I was dancing like that and then... then I just felt strong hands suddenly resting on my hips- not a compliment!"

Jaime smiled.

"And for that moment I honestly felt Jackson. If anyone asked me who was holding me right then and there I would say Jackson, I promise you. And then the moment just felt right and perfect. When I turned around, yes you were attractive and all, but now I was just looking at this random guy who had the nerve to touch me and I was lowkey like what the hell. But then the music and the drinks I had been drinking... so my mind just said let's pretend."

He watched me intently.

"And then I looked into your eyes, and I am just being reminded of it now, but I thought to myself, his eyes are so beautiful, even just like Jackson's. And then you smiled at me, it was like everything you did then was all on perfect timing. I don't even remember how long we danced."