Soldier

Chapter 4

I flutter my eyes open carefully seeing this bright white light. I pick myself up from my bed. The first image I see is a picture of Curtis and I. It brings me back to reality that he isn't here. Again. The worst part is that I don't even know where he could be.

I head straight to the shower just hoping that I could at least do something instead of spacing out into the real world thinking about negative thoughts that could have happened to him. This was starting to affect me in every way. Whenever I try and keep myself busy, I just can't. It feels like there's this force that's pulling me back to thinking of what I could do. What I could do for Curtis.

It's been a torturous week for me. The man I spoke to a week ago has not given me any recent information about Curtis. It's so disappointing because every single day, I would wake up in the morning remembering that he's not with me. That if he was, we could possibly be waking up next to each other. Spending every moment with each other's company. But all of that is certainly not real. This, this situation is happening.

I feel like day by day I'm becoming weaker and weaker. I feel so helpless and my mind feels so empty. I can't seem to think straightforward and be sober. I feel so lost and way below. The feeling of when you're drowning but you can't get back up because it's so difficult and you don't know how to help yourself.

I turn the knob to turn off the shower and slowly dry myself. I pick casual clothes just incase I feel like heading my way to a different place other than this household. Honestly, I can't stand anymore being in my room. Seeing all this pictures of Curtis and I. It pains me so much having the thought that all I'm doing right now is waiting for him to come back. Even if maybe he won't.

I start to feel frustrated and angered on myself because I start to think irationally. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my sanity. For the past days of the week, I've been trying to manage myself and not let this anger take over me. These voices in my head are so impenetrable to dominate. They keep dominating me and for some moments I actually believe in them even if I'm not supposed to.

I make my way down the stairs seeing the entire living room empty. As I walk towards the kitchen, there's no sign of my other family members. The entire house is completely soundless. I feel alone. This silence is taking over me making me so annoyed, frustrated, and angered.

I grasped hard on the chair in the kitchen, hoping that I could control myself from doing anything wreckless. But just in amount of seconds, I started screaming loud. I grasp my arms tight until I feel a stinging pain. I feel tears roll down my cheeks which has been so painful. I start to scream even louder. I couldn't take this anymore. The voices in my head dominating me once again.

I feel like I'm locked up in this box and I'm helplessly screaming and crying for help. I was completely losing my mind. My arms, legs, face was throbbing with pain. I feel my body burn with cold sweat. I stopped hurting myself because I was so exhausted. So exhausted from this pain and anger taking over me.

I place my hands on my face as I feel the hot tears spread on my warm hands. I continue to bawl out and cry harder. I feel like someone's stabbing my heart constantly but it doesn't want to stop. Like it will never stop.

I feel hands snake around my body. The warmth of the person was slowly comforting me. My sobs lower down and slowly stop. I continue to sit on the cold floor just setting my hands on my sister's arms, hugging her.

"Shhh, shhh Katy it's okay I'm here." She utters comfortingly.

"Stop the voices. Dominate them. Don't do this to yourself. Just take a deep breath and let them stop. Please." She begs me helplessly. Pain was evident in her voice. I know she didn't like the fact seeing me so devastated.