Ugly : clifford a.u

Luke

(One Hour Before)

It was like a leaky faucet at first, intermittent, slow, ignorable; the thoughts of death.

They progressed though, from droplets to gallons of water to unrelenting waves, drowning me, dashing me on the rocks.

The fact that I wanted to die.

The realization that it was an achievable feat.

The numerous ways in which I could carry out the dead.

I tried to ignore it. But the urge filled every fiber of my being, I wanted to tell someone but all I could do was lay in my bed staring up my ceiling, at the ceiling fan circling slowly above me.

I glanced down at my phone, which was off to prevent me from having to see the flood of text messages and social media notifications, explicitly and graphically tearing me apart, tearing Calum apart.

I knew in other places boys loving boys was fine, even normal, but here it was a sin, a stain, like blood on white linen that could never be undone, or forgotten, our crime could never be erased.

I held my arms up, examining the blue lines which ran along my inner forearms. I figured slicing into  them would be painful and let my arms fall to my sides.

There weren't pills strong enough to kill me.

I knew unless I got shit faced there was no physical way to drown myself.

Running my fingers through my hair and tugging the ends, chewing my lower lip to keep it from wobbling, I looked frantically around my room, looking for something, anything.

There was a belt.

That would do. My neck would break and then it would all be rather painless after that.

Determined, I crossed over to my closet and removing all the clothes from where they hung, tossed them to the floor before securing the belt in place.

Not wanting anyone to have to come in and see what I was doing, I dribbled a Do Not Enter note on a piece of notebook paper and taped it to the door.

I was selfish enough to do it, but not so selfish that I could ever let Spencer or my Mom see it, or find me.

I pushed over my bookshelf in front of the door. I turned up my music, and then I climbed up on my desk chair and slipped the cool leather loop, over my head.