A Second Chance

Coney Island

15.

It was good to be back home and in casual clothes again. Olivia was enjoying her extra day off and her weekend with Noah and they had fun 'cleaning' the apartment together. Noah was mostly making a mess again but she did not care. She felt so blessed, having this little person living with her and watching him discover the world. A spoon could be such an interesting object to make faces at, and the goldfish she had recently bought for him was being fed dozens of times a day. Which was why she had to clean the bowl almost every night but that didn't matter. She was finally succeeding in living together with someone and she knew this worked because her son had no hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, no secrets. He simply loved her because she was his mother. And she couldn't love him more. She realized that everything Elliot had ever told her about having children was true. Even though Noah wasn't even her blood, she knew she would kill for him and even give her own life for him. A mother's love was truly unconditional. But this also made her painfully aware of the love she had not received from her own mother. The one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally had failed miserably. She saw that a lot in her line of work as well, unfortunately. And however understandable the circumstances sometimes were, they still produced damaged people. Olivia knew she was damaged. And she knew she had built a high, thick wall around her heart to prevent anyone from hurting her. The few times she had let anyone peek inside, she had been hurt again. So now it was just her and Noah. Noah did not hurt her.

She thought about Elliot's volunteer work. She knew Elliot's father had beaten him regularly as well when he was a child, so he could certainly relate to the kids he was counselling. And so could she. They were both damaged goods and that must have been why they were so dedicated to righting wrongs in the world. She felt a pang in her heart when she thought about it further. Elliot had known she was damaged. She had let him peek inside, behind her defences. And he had hurt her anyway. So the wall had come back up. She did not deny she had feelings for him but she did not want to get hurt again. But she had promised Kathy she would look out for Elliot so she had agreed to meet him and Eli the next weekend on Saturday to go to Coney Island. There was a kiddie park with several rides that were suitable for both Noah and Eli so it should be fun for the boys. No doubt, she would have fun herself but it still felt a little strange. They would look like a happy little family to the other people in the park. If only they knew.

She had a normal week at work first and Olivia was happy to be in her own rhythm again. Elliot and his situation were lingering in the back of her mind all week but she was focused on the job. Putting away a rapist for 25 to life was a good reminder why she loved doing this so much. She could see the light returning in the eyes of the victims already after the conviction. They were survivors and they would eventually regain control over their lives. She texted Elliot a few times during the week and he seemed to be doing alright. He had started working again at the shelter on Wednesday and Eli was back in school. He told her Eli was really looking forward to Saturday and asked her to say hi for them both to Noah.

...

That Saturday morning, Elliot and Eli were a little early and she let them come up while she packed Noah's diaper bag. They were doing quite well with potty training at home and at the day care centre but when they were away from home all day, Olivia preferred just to stay on the safe side. She noticed Elliot walking around her living room, checking out the apartment. He had not been to this address before. The boys were in Noah's room and Noah was showing Eli his toy collection.

"Nice place," Elliot said. "Have you lived here long?"

"A little over two years," she replied. "I moved here with Brian after ..." She hesitated, not wanting to mention his name and then noticed the surprised look on Elliot's face.

"Brian?!"

"Yeah ... you remember him. Brian Cassidy."

He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again and breathed out slowly. Of course he remembered Brian Cassidy. He couldn't believe she had apparently hooked up with him again. The way he remembered it, Brian had been a one night stand that Olivia had regretted ever since. After the guy left SVU, because he didn't have the stomach for the cases they had to work, Olivia had never mentioned him again. As he watched her walk to Noah's room to get the boys, he tried to shake it off. It was none of his business who she dated. It never had been. Still, Cassidy was obviously not living with her anymore so no need to dwell on it.
When everyone was ready they took Elliot's car to drive to Coney Island.

As expected, they all had a good time. The boys got their respective parents' full attention and a lot of photos were taken of the kids in the various rides. There were a few where Noah had to be accompanied by an adult so Elliot took several snapshots of Olivia and Noah too, with both their phones. When both boys were in a merry-go-round and the adults could finally sit down for a cup of coffee that afternoon, Olivia asked how Elliot was doing.

He wiggled his head in a 'so-so' manner and then smiled at her. "I knew this was coming. I'll adjust."

"That doesn't mean it is easy."

"It isn't. But I'll be fine," he said, and gesturing to Eli he added, "I have to be."

Olivia nodded. That part she understood. He was dedicated to his son. "But what about after Eli goes to bed at night?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "It's quiet. Very quiet," he added with a sad smile. "But I guess it's good to really let it sink in that she's gone."

Olivia remained silent and he studied her face while she wasn't looking at him. She was still as beautiful as ever and motherhood definitely agreed with her. Just like he had always known it would. She had so much love to give and he found it unbelievable that she had never found a man who could see and appreciate that. Granted, she wasn't easy to get close to. He had even been scared off once or twice by her famous Benson glare. But still, how could she still be single? Men were idiots, he admitted to himself.

He was going to ask how she was doing when she got a phone call.

"It's work, I have to take this," she said. "Sorry ..." She got up and walked a few feet away to answer the phone. He watched her while she spoke softly with whoever was at the other end of the line, a serious look on her face. She was still dedicated to the job, to getting justice for survivors of abuse. He smiled and watched her wrap up her conversation. She walked back over to him, frowning a bit. Then she looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

"What?" he asked.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Nothing."

The smile had disappeared from his face and he asked if everything was all right at work.

"No, it's not. I'm afraid I have to go." She looked at the merry-go-round to see where Noah was.

"You can leave Noah with me," Elliot offered right away. "They are having a good time. You can pick him up when you're done."

"It's only 2.30. Are you sure?" she asked.

"Absolutely. Do what you have to do. Call me when you are done, so you will know where we are. You do trust me with him, don't you?"

That was a completely redundant question and she frowned at him. He put his hands up defensively and she seemed to relax. Of course she would trust him with her son. She handed him Noah's diaper bag and then walked over to the merry-go-round to find Noah. She waved at him and Eli, explaining quickly that she had to leave for a bit. "You can stay with Eli and Elliot, okay?" Noah nodded and yelled "bye mommy", hardly paying any attention to her. She almost looked disappointed but shrugged it off as she returned to the table where they had been sitting. "I guess he won't be missing me ..." she mumbled. "I'm off now, will get a cab to Manhattan. Thanks El ..."
He smiled broadly because she had used the forbidden word. She seemed to realize it too but put up one hand while turning away from him quickly. "Not now."

"Rain check?" he asked, in a feeble attempt to make her smile again while she got her purse and coat. But she just glared at him briefly and he wondered why she suddenly seemed a little upset. He got no chance to ask her as she walked away quickly.

"Call you later!" And off she went.