Angel

Chapter Twelve: Daryl

I was playing with fire. A big fuckin' fire. And it was inside of me. It was either going to destroy me or melt this goddamn ice-cold wall I had surrounded my heart with. For a guy that started out with so little, I had lost so much. Did I dare let some in in my life again?

Each night when Jessie fell asleep, I thought back to Rick, Carol, and the family. I had hoped that they all made it out after the attack, but there was no sign of anyone for days. They were strangers to me for the longest time. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. Carol tried the whole time we were at Hershel's farm, but I pushed her away.

Every single time.

It was at the prison where I learned I actually had value. After being told I was nothing my whole life, I had Rick trusting me. I helped make decisions for the group. And I found the respect I never thought I deserved.

I missed them all. Each in a different way, but it hurt losing each of them. Rick and Carol had meant the most to me. Carol understood me better than anyone. She had an uncanny way of knowing what I was thinking and feeling even though I would never say a word. Rick was the brother Merle should have been. I went from hating the man to respecting the hell outta him. But they were gone. Along with Maggie, Carl, Tara, Rosita, Jesus, and even Lil Asskicker.

The pain of losing them and being alone was almost too much to bear. That's when the ice cage around my heart and soul appeared. If I was going to survive this world, it was going to be on my terms, and that meant I wasn't going to get close to anyone. Every time I did, I lost them. It was going to be Daryl Dixon against the world.

Then I met Jessie.

And she changed my life.

Right now, it was just good to have her back here with me. No more solo runs. If we did anything, it would be together. Having her curled up half on top of me sleeping once again was something I really missed. For a guy that slept alone his entire life, being crammed into this little bed with her was better than I ever imagined. I wasn't so sure that first night how it was going to work, but it did. Each night it had gotten better. When she was gone these last few nights, I couldn't sleep. I missed having her here with me. And I'm pretty sure she missed me too. At least I really hoped so.

Tonight, I took two big steps. First, I never put my shirt back on. Not even Carol saw me without a shirt. Only once after we took Alexandria back from the walkers, did I have it off around people. Denise was stitching up a knife wound, and there was so much going on that I knew no one was going to notice. Even though Jessie had seen the scars before, that didn't mean I was comfortable with it. But she has this way about her that made all my self-consciousness go away.

I wondered if she'd accept the scars inside of me as quickly as she did the raised ones that covered my chest and back. The scars that made me the man I am. The ones I can never get rid of. The ones that haunt me every day. She may be the first one I trust with them.

The other big thing I did was kiss her. Wanted to do, was scared to do it, but grew some balls and did it. Now if she hadn't kissed me first, I probably would never know what she tasted like. No make that definitely wouldn't have known. Women have always scared me. Back before all this shit happened I needed a few beers in me just to relax. I never did that teenage boyfriend girlfriend shit. No one wanted their daughter with a Dixon in the first place. I was too busy just trying to survive my life that there was no way I was going to let anyone else in and see the fucking mess I had to deal with. Then once I started to live with Merle, it was a whole different type of mess.