A girl, screaming. A man falling down into the shaft. The same girl, cutting his face with a lightsaber. Stars surrounding, ice on skin, then a twitch...and eye. Leia...Leia! Comatose, a white gown. Luke with a hateful grimace as he swung his green blade-
Ben awoke as if he'd been shot by a blaster, sweat coating his skin. The nightmares were frequent now, an unbidden constant in his life. He hadn't slept decently in months.
The night sessions, he'd begun to call them, when nightmares kept rest away, Ben would train. He wanted strength, to show that he was a Skywalker. It's not that he wished he wasn't, he loved his mother. However, she was disappointingly absent. Ben supposed that was because of his choice to train as a Jedi rather than anything she'd done, she wasn't to blame for that. His father, though, never seemed to be impressed. When he'd gone home for a weekend, his father had only expressed disappointment at Ben for not having fully mastered lightsaber combat rather than pride at his other, newly developed abilities.
I'm only a Padawan! What does he expect? It's impossible to satisfy him!
During the morning meditation, Ben had become accustomed to cloaking his thoughts and circling them around generic Jedi themes so that Luke wouldn't be suspicious. Suspicious of what, Ben didn't know, but he knew he was a failure in some way.
"My beloved students, today we are going to skip lightsaber training. I have something else to teach you." Luke declared.
Murmurs swept through the room. It was uncommon for Luke to change the schedule. Slowly, they gathered around him.
"No doubt, during meditation, you have heard me talk about the Dark Side, and how to avoid the path to the Dark Side. However, you may wonder: why is it bad?" Luke began.
"Today, you will learn about the Sith, specifically my father." All the Padawans exchanged confused glances except Ben. He knew the dark secret of the Skywalkers.
"His name was Anakin Skywalker. He grew up on Tatooine, not unlike me, except he was a slave. When he was young, a pair of Jedi rescued him and he began his training. He was the most powerful child they had ever seen, and he was a hero of the Clone Wars, as a Padawan! However, he was afraid, and of ten visions came to him of those he loved dying."
Ben froze. Did Luke know?
"He formed attachments, fell in love, all against the Jedi Code. As visions plagued him, he grew angrier at the Jedi for their inability to help him save those he loved. His anger festered in his soul, until...
...until it was unleashed. He joined forces with Darth Sidious as the Sith Lord promised he could save Anakin's love. He eradicated the Jedi and the Separatists in one day, then fought his former master. He sustained terrible injuries. He was the fist of the Empire, a name that drove fear into the hearts of thousands, an evil oppressor. You know him as Darth Vader."
All the Padawans gasped, utterly shocked, save for Ben. Ben could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Would he go to those lengths for those in his dreams? The only person he saw die was Han Solo, would he do that for his father?
No.
Deep down, Ben knew he wouldn't save Han.
What would it feel like, if he wasn't there?
"That is the meaning of the saying. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Vader wasn't fulfilled by going to the Dark Side; his love still died and found no solace in killing billions. His life was short and unhappy, consumed by rage and loathing. This is why I caution you against the Dark Side. It is natural to be afraid, but you must try to let go of your fear, to not let it consume you."
Ben felt rattled, shaken. He was afraid, too afraid, and couldn't ever let Luke know lest he fail, but he had to know if his dreams were visions.
Luke was leaning nonchalantly on the wall as Ben sat nervously on the edge of a cushion.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Luke asked, casually. His uncaring manner was almost irritating to Ben.
"After your story...I-I can't sleep, it's been months. Every time I shut my eyes, I see Leia suffering, almost dead, Han dying, this girl with a lightsaber, she attacks me, so do you, and there's fire on a ship bridge, and then a snow forest where I'm bleeding, dying, and I don't-"
Tears streamed from Ben's eyes as all the terrible scenarios spilled from him.
"And people, calling me evil and saying they're disappointed leaving me to die, but I get up and I'm just alone-"
Ben stopped himself.
Luke's carefree manner had vanished.
"And I thought they were just dreams, but after your story...are they visions? Will they come true? Is everyone going to leave me alone to die?"
Luke leaned forward. "Ben, visions are just dreams. They only come true if you make them, and often if you attempt to stop what's happening in them, that causes those events. Come for a walk with me."
As the grass tickled Ben's ankles, Luke continued.
"See? It is fear that causes these visions to manifest, and fear that makes them come true. What is it you fear?"
It was as if Luke was staring straight into Ben's soul with that question. "Death, I suppose." That was not the full answer.
"There is no death, only the Force." Luke recited. "Do you feel it around you? How death and decay feed birth and growth? That is the balance, that is the Force. It is in everything, and it's in you. When you die, you lose your physical form, but you are still connected with the Force. Don't you see? There is no death, only the Force."
Uncertainty hovered on Ben's lips.
Why did they leave me? I won't let them!
His true fears, he thought, were outside the domain of the Force, but Luke would not see it that way, with his hawklike perception.
YOUR FATE
It was a sudden voice, two words, that ripped through Ben like a lightning bolt. He felt dizzy, sweaty, as if he'd had to run a marathon on Jakku, like his clothes were tattered and his spirit. The echoing silence had vanished within a moment.
Luke had heard nothing.
What do I say now? I have to be careful...
"I'll meditate on that, Master Skywalker."
"And so you should."
Night fell. The girl.
Don't do this, Ben. Don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this
Leia. No Han.
Once again, he stood on a grassy hill, facing the rollicking sea.
Why can't they just...stop? I'm never ENOUGH! I'm always expected to be the next Luke! I can't even have a name without it being related to the Jedi! Ben. What a generic name. Luke and Leia barely knew Ben Kenobi, can't I be my own person for once?
The ground cracked, rocks and grass and animals flying into the air. He'd never voiced all his frustrations, ever actually thought about them. Now it felt as if a new, red hot power was flowing through his veins, tearing the ground apart.
Why don't I use it?
The debris was all still floating above Ben as Ben floated above the ground. Impulsively, he gave names to the jagged rocks, all around the former cliff.
Luke Han Jedi Ben Rebels Girl Empire Rebels Obi-Wan
With his thoughts, the jagged pebbles became miniature missiles, whipping around and around, stirring up sand, creating a hurricane with Ben at the eye. Thoughts and rage brought to action, releasing it, using it brought a new taste of power to his veins, his beautiful storm and his beautiful anger.
***
INTERLUDE
***
Ben's fear wasn't uncommon. Luke himself had held the same fear for many years but he came to peace with the Force. The boy's dreams didn't sound like visions, because that would mean Ben's fear was being alone, which didn't seem to be the case to Luke at all. He had friends among the Padawans, but wasn't overly reliant on them. Sometimes as a Jedi he forgot it was normal for people to have nightmares. Luke chuckled to himself a little bit and muttered, "He'll be a great Jedi someday."
