The island felt different after Life Day. The porgs bouncing happily around felt a bit more foreign than before. It's not as if the island had ever really felt like home to Ben, but neither had Hosnian Prime. Really, nowhere did. Leia had always told him that the world didn't matter; home was the people. But who was Ben's home? He wasn't particularly close with with any of the other Padawans, and Luke felt more like a strict teacher than his uncle at most times. His father always for some reason felt like he was disapproving of Ben leaving to train as a Jedi, and it made Ben a bit nervous, like he had to prove himself. Leia, then, he guessed. She felt like a comforting, understanding friend but Ben still barely saw her. Not that he wasn't grateful for his training of course.
But it doesn't matter. Mom's not a Jedi so she doesn't know. Luke says that attachment leads to jealousy and greed.
He supposed it was for the best that he was a bit lonely, then.
Slowly, the sun rose over the shadow of the hill Ben was meditating beside. With the sudden glare of light, Ben's eyes involuntarily fluttered open to see Luke staring straight at him, unnervingly. Almost suspicious. Am I supposed to think about those sorts of things? Ben wondered. The glimpse of Luke's gaze felt like a no.
"Sense the balance of the Force, within you, around you and in everything. Ben felt the balance pretty easily but it felt almost unfulfilling to sense. He held the suspicion that he was different from the other Padawans since he always felt that since he'd arrived on the island.
He's exceptionally Force sensitive, Luke had said.
He's a Skywalker, Leia had simply replied.
Ben felt like he could possibly be able to do more than the other Padawans, but for some reason, it felt like Luke was discouraging it. Not with words, not with looks, Ben could just...sense it.
True Jedi wouldn't hold back. I can't help someone if I don't use all my abilities.
Still, he couldn't contemplate that now. He could feel the pressure of Luke watching him.
Later
He decided. When he wasn't trapped under the suffocating weight of Luke's glare. As the noon sun rose and all the Padawans put away their cushions and retrieved their lightsabers, a shadow came over him. Slowly he looked up to see Luke. "Ben," he said. "Why don't you come to my quarters while the rest of them are preparing for lightsaber training?" He nodded assuredly, but inside he began to panic.
Am I in trouble? Were my thoughts bad? Am I not good enough? Is he going to send me back home?
Ben couldn't imagine that. No doubt, Han would say nothing but still be disappointed. Disappointed that Ben had left everything behind for this, yet failed at it, despite being a Skywalker, despite being the supposed next great Jedi.
He was shocked back to reality with the rattle of Luke's tin cup of blue milk. "How have you been feeling?" Luke asked.
"I...I don't understand what you mean, Master Skywalker." When all the Padawans were much younger, they'd called him Master Luke but transitioned to the more official title.
"What I mean, is how have you been feeling? Are you happy here? Sad?"
Lonely. Afraid.
Those were the first words that came to Ben's mind.
No, no you can't tell him that. Fear is bad, attachment is bad, loneliness is bad. He'll think you failed.
"Um...I guess happy? I haven't really thought about it."
Luke's eyebrows knotted. "That's an important part of meditation."
Oh no. Wrong answer.
"I think about the island, and life, and the galaxy. Not really much myself." Ben replied, scared to see Luke's reaction.
He laughed. "Well, I can't find fault in that. But it's important to be in touch with yourself. Just try to work on that, okay?"
Ben nodded. He felt like he'd barely passed an interrogation. What had been so wrong with his thoughts that Luke had wanted to talk?
Even though the sun had gone down, Ben couldn't sleep. He still felt rattled by Luke and the feeling that he wasn't right inside.
He's always watching, I can't ever escape or even explore my powers, he's holding me back!
A deep snore echoed.
Luke is deep asleep...
Soon Ben was standing facing the sea, a breeze ruffling his long black hair. As he pondered what he actually wanted to do, he spotted a large rock, attached to a smaller one right beside a cliff.
Slowly, he reached out. He could feel the Force flowing through everything around him, including him. A current. Slowly he immersed himself in the waters around the rock and moved them, driving it away. A crack resounded over the cliff, and Ben opened his eyes to the large rock...floating.
I didn't think I could actually do it.
Ben could only imagine the awe of the other Padawans if they had beheld the sight...an awe Luke would not share.
He's suffocating! I can't take it, I feel what I feel and I can do what I can do!
He let out a gasp and raised his hands to protect his face as the rock split into thousands of tiny shards with a thunderous boom.
That was...amazing.
Luke can never know.
