sad poetry

ninth

My nightly escape has granted me no paradise as it once did. The deathly silence pledged to destroy my once peaceful thoughts into something tainted, thoughts who's origins have been hidden inside, they scream to be let go.

I imprison these thoughts but every once in a while they seem to escape, disguised in the shadows of the moonlight. Circling they make me cower behind my happiness. in an attempt to drown them out music is played to deafening measures but as of late have been no help. The silence is MY enemy for it only leaves room for thoughts, thoughts I despise of.

My paradise has been shattered, my sweet haven has been crumpled and spat on like garbage. The garbage I believe myself to be.

My looks are lowly compared to my beautiful distractions I call my friends. They reassure whenever they can but it never seems to be when I needed it most. They can talk to people casually, and are well liked. Unlike me who can hardly talk to even my closest friend without worry of the words I speak. The unattractive body my soul adorns is hurt. The pain it feels is not shown on the physical form, but it feels as if a thousand knifes have been dragged upon my skin once more as I did long ago. Instead of blades across my arms my own nails have become my undoing, the undoing of a pledge of happiness without the harm I kept causing myself.

These tainted thoughts of blood have clouded my mind easily, for I have always been one to surrender too easily to pain in any form.

I swooned for passion and romance as I pray for one day someone could handle my lowly self. My hopes grew at the sight of one. One whom I wished to talk to about my horrid feelings of impurity.  For once, I tried to get close to someone even though my brain disagreed, it was way out of comfort zone and for a while I loved it. My heart pounded at the new things I finally had tried. But it was inevitable. My one lively heart felt like it was torn for what seemed like a small and petty reason. But my brain in the has won I have grown scared once more, scared of pain, the pain of emotions I have not felt towards a single person before.

Questions swam in l every inch of my body about why, and what I had done. I am sensitive, I know this well and this is no blessing especially for when this had happened. A small action that had made me weep in disrepair. My heart and soul begs for answers but my brain only draws conclusion of only the worst scenarios imaginable. They overrule my heart and soul with little effort.

I am weak, emotions get the better of me and my frustration can only be suppressed at certain times. I am not smart, thoughts of things I do not understand kill me inside.
I am unsightly, my body is not small but my body is also not large, this in between has made my insecurities cry out.
I am not.... good enough...
I have knew this for years
There is no escaping from the truth
There is no escaping the enviable.
I will not be able to express these feeling in fear of judgment.
I will not be able to have opinions that make me... What I thought... was me......

Sadness clouds my mind here, the only place my brain finally feels....... peaceful.....

My marks shall not fade for they are my reminder to snap back into my cruel reality and face my Demons. After all how can they kill me when I already feel dead inside.

(A/n) sorry I'm updating this but not my other story it's just o can't think of anything good to write. Some of My thoughts as of late have been written on this chapter... kind of dark and it's all over and I'm sorry for that it's just I hadn't expressed any of these emotions to anyone and though they might suck they are a bad explanation to my emotions. So I probably still won't be updating my other story until my mindset has gotten a bit better, sadly i don't know when it will.. I guess I should just shut up and update this I guess.. I have a long night ahead of me.