seconds before

01 // english

Only the first time I nearly drowned
was water involved.

I was nine years old

a bit too naive
when I put on that wetsuit
and those weights on my hips

a bit too fearless
when I stepped into the 6.7 ft deep water

unknowing
about what happened minutes later

I trusted my father too much

I put my life in his hands
hands that dropped me too many times

my life depended on an oxygen cylinder linked to the man, that left me when I was three years old

and down there
I made a mistake

call it a butterfly effect

"small causes can have larger effects"

because it was a little, stupid and
insignificant looking mistake
causing my near death

there was water in my goggles
and I put them off underwater

I won't complain about my stupidity back then

because all of a sudden
I lost the connection to the oxygen cylinders mouth piece

and my father didn't notice

he kept swimming
while my struggle began

I panicked

I tried to reach the surface
but the weights on my hips pulled me down

and I couldn't even hold my breath
I was unprepared

I had no oxygen in my lungs

but my brain screamed
breathe

I tried to fight those heavy weights

I swam up
saw the sky

and sinked again

and my brain screamed
breathe

water started filling up my lungs

water started burning my throat
my lungs
my whole body

and I kept trying to swim upwards

but my power faded
my arms and legs failed

breathing in more water than air

I surrendered
I capitulated

the nine year old me thought her last words

"okay mee
it's okay
give up"

I remember reaching the surface

I remember the weights pulling me down
one last time

and then I just stopped

I stopped trying

I stopped moving

I stopped panicking

I accepted it

and seconds before I died

my father pulled me out of the water.