Secrets ✔

Epilogue// 2

Elizabeth.

Winter has come.

Each branch is decorated with glistening white snow- and I can hear silence from miles away. There are footprints that lead into the backyard. My mom. She calls out for our dog, and I see him shake snowflakes off his blonde fur. It almost makes me smile.

I climb out of bed, wincing as my feet hit the cold floor, and make my way to a chair thats been propped up near the window.  I sit down and curl my feet under me, bringing my knees up to my chest. I wrap my cardigan tighter around me. This is my shield. At least thats what my therapist says- she's a big believer that body language reflects the deepest parts of how you feel.

I see my mom return inside, and I close my eyes waiting to hear her footsteps as she comes up to check on me. Again.

shattered glass 

My eyes jolt open.

"Hey. I'm making hot chocolate if you want some." My mom smiles weakly. But I don't respond. I have talked since-

I know she's trying. My mom quit her job to spend more time with me. But I know the only reason she's up here is to make sure I'm still alive.

screams

But I'm stupid enough to try that again.

My mom moves to sit on my bed, her eyebrows furrowed. I want to say something about wrinkles, but I can't bring myself too.

hands pull me back. I can taste sweat and and tears running down my face.

"She would say you were being stupid." My mom sighs. My eyes snap towards her. Daring mom to mention her. She doesn't look at me.

"Wasting away. I don't know if you haven't realized, but just because Alice is dead-doesn't mean you have to stop living too."

I swallow.

they're all dead- I shout, but no one listens. Dads crying- a mixture of vomit and blood spill from my lips.

"Your best friends dead, your boyfriend too. Lives are ruined- you think yours is too, we fucking get it."

My body freezes, my mom hasn't talked to me in this tone since- before.

"The mayors in jail for possession of drugs and child-" She stops cringing."six girls are in treatment centers trying to recover. The news is still parked in front of Alex's houses. Football has been eradicated from AllenWood High- you were part of a crime- Alex is dead. Austins parents are mad trying to find him. Alice is dead" She looks at me. "I GET IT! YOUR LIFE IS RUINED. GET OVER IT." She stands up her face flushed.

I feel tears burn to be released.

No, no, no I want to die. Syringe. Quiet.

Man. Faces. Questions- questions. Mrs. Lloyd do you understand the seriousness of what you've done? You've broken the law.

"You have this life to live- and all you're doing is rotting in here, like your some kind of prisoner." She's crying now. "Where did we fail? When did me and your father fail to do our only job. Protect you."

I don't respond. Instead I glare at my window, praying I won't start crying.

Alex? Answer? Why aren't you answering!

"Please Elizabeth." My mom whimpers. "You have to live."

I close my eyes, and let a flood of memories invade my head.

He's dead Elizabeth, he shot himself- I'm sorry. My mom weeps. It wasn't my fault I swear! I shout into a lawyers face. Why would you do that? My father asks. He's cryings- he doesn't cry. I see sharp blades of  glass, there are pills in my hands. Whys life worth living when everyone looks at me with disgust in their eyes. When everyones dead. Stupid. Blood. Glass. Strapped down. White sheets. It wasn't your fault my therapist whispers. Alex's face. His kiss. No more.

My eyes snap open. My moms closer now. She places a hand on my cold cheek, and I can see my reflection in her tear filled eyes. I look skinny- like a pile of bones, grey. I reflect how I feel. 

"Why would you ever think that you're not enough. How could you ever consider that this world was one you weren't meant to be in?"

I let the tears flow now. I was so stupid.

My mom leaves as the phone starts ringing. It's probably Mama June- she's been dying to see me since I left the hospital. I haven't wanted to see her.

I glance back outside, and I notice it's begun to snow again. White snowflakes catch against my window, and for a moment it's quiet again. 

I think about how cold it is. How cold snow is- how lifeless. And than I think of how beautiful it is. How something so cold could be beautiful.

And it gives me hope.