Diary of a Gay Teenager

Chapter 8 - The End

Since graduating high school, I have discovered so much more about myself. I have completed my first in college and am working nearly forty hours a week at my job. I found a guy at my work that I had a lot in common with and after about two months, we began dating. I thought I had finally found a great guy that I would be dating for a long time but things quickly went south.

We began fighting almost every day and he would play mind games with me and always make me feel horrible. I wasn't very affectionate with him and I knew it upset it so I would always apologize to him and reassure him that I was into our relationship. As time went on, I began to realize that I was not happy in our relationship. I decided to break up with him but I wanted to remain friends. At first, he took it pretty hard and wouldn't talk or look at me at work but as time went on he began talking to me again and I really thought we were going to be friends from now on.

One night, we were texting and he started opening up to me about how he realized what he did wrong in the relationship and at this time I saw him change and he was the guy I wanted him to be when we were dating so I was starting to have feelings for him again. He confessed that he never got over me and that he wanted to give it a second try and I was naive enough to say yes.

It was good in the beginning, I communicated a lot more than I did when we dated the first time and you could tell we were a lot happier this time around. We went on a few dates and saw a lot of movies together. We were constantly together which looking back was probably our downfall. I began struggling in school and was at risk of being dropped from the Cal State system and we were both running for the same promotion at work so I had a lot on my plate while we were dating. My mind was in a different place and I was not involved in this relationship anymore.

He was head-over-heals for me so he didn't see that I wasn't in this relationship the way he was. Being with him began giving me panic attacks and a lot of anxiety. I was not into him sexually and he would always try to make moves at me and I always pushed him off but he would still try to put his hands down my pants so I would have to leave.

Every argument we got in, I was always the one apologizing even when it wasn't my fault. He knew how to mess with my head and make me think I was the one who needed to apologize. He knew how to get me back each time I said I couldn't be in a relationship anymore. Finally, I broke up with him again. Unfortunately, this isn't where it ends. We met up after to talk and get closure and we let out a lot of emotions and by the end of it, I felt so much better and was happy to be on good terms. That was until he kept "joking" about being friends with benefits. The first time he said it I thought he was just joking but after he said it again, I realized that he was serious and actually thought that we were going to be friends with benefits. I turned down the idea but he still tried to kiss me so I drove him home and told him to get out of my car. For weeks after, he continued to think that we were going to get back together and would talk to people saying how good we were when in reality I wanted nothing to do with him. It started to make me uncomfortable because he was basically obsessed with me and would not let me go. I finally broke down and told about the panic attacks he gave me and how horrible my anxiety got when I was around him.

We continued to work together but I no longer keep in touch with him as a friend. I hear from coworkers that he still would talk about me to them but I want nothing to do with him and want to move on to more important things.

So, this is where this chapter of my life ends. I'm nolonger a teenager so it feels unfit to continue this story that is supposed tobe about my teenage years. I started off as a young boy who was afraid to letanyone know about my sexuality and seven years later, here I am so happy withwhere I am at. I am so proud to be gay and I am so happy to be surrounded by peoplewho support my sexuality.