Wouldn't You Love to Love Her?

October, 1971

Christine climbs into bed next John who has long fallen asleep and sighs. After their marriage she had given up on her career, convinced that being John's wife would be enough for her. For a while it was. She loved to cook and clean and tend to the small garden of their London home. She still does but it isn't enough. She wants more. She needs more. At first she thought it was just boredom but now she isn't so sure. John and his friend Mick invited her to join their band as a keyboardist and she had happily accepted, now they have been on the road for six months, she thought it would being her contentment. It hasn't.

She loves John. She honestly does but she knows now that she married him for the wrong reasons. She married him because she was sick of being heartbroken by women who were far too scared to commit to anything long term and because it was what her mother wanted. Those, she now knows, aren't really good enough reasons to commit to someone for life.

She finds herself longing for the long hours of conversation she would have with her female exes. Longs for the intellectual stimulation they provided her. John is a smart man, witty too, but he is far too quiet for her liking unless he is drunk and then he rambles on but his wit and his intelligence are gone. She misses the feel of women's bodies. Misses their curves and the feel of smooth skin. She isn't unhappy with John but she isn't content either. She often finds herself wondering if john is content with her. He says he loves her, says marrying her is the best decision he ever made but in her experience contented people don't usually feel compelled to down a half a bottle of vodka most nights. She wonders if she is the problem.

She likes her new job and it helps. She is starting to write songs and John and Mick like them, a couple of them might even make it onto Fleetwood Mac's next album and she is proud of that.

She feels guilty for not feeling content. She has the picture perfect life, a good looking, smart husband, and interesting career that her husband fully supports her in pursuing, she gets to travel all over Europe with her husband for work. Most women are nowhere near as lucky as she is and for her it still isn't enough.

She curls her body into John's melts into his warmth, being married has its upsides and a warm body to sleep against is definitely one of them.

---

Christine has always loved Amsterdam. The culture of sexual freedom is appealing to her and she loves all the little cafes along the canals where you can sit for hours drinking good coffee and smoking great pot.

They are in Amsterdam for three nights playing shows at a small theatre and the boys have abandoned her in favor of spending the night trawling the streets of the red light district. Mick's idea. Typical.

She finds herself walking along a row of small bars and cafes by one of the canals just before 10pm, when she comes across a bar discreetly advertising itself as being for lesbians. She is hesitant to enter. While she has had many relationships with women she is not a lesbian and she has always felt like an outsider in spaces for lesbians. She ultimately decides to enter, taking off her wedding ring and shoving it in her jeans pocket as she does. It is early for Amsterdam and the bar is quiet but there is a woman sitting at the bar who instantly catches Christine's attention. She is wearing a black leather jacket, pale blue bell-bottomed jeans and a tight-fitting white t-shirt. She presents as butch, close-cropped black hair, no makeup and she isn't Christine's usual type but Christine's usual type hadn't exactly worked out for her, had it? Christine walks over to the bar and takes a seat next to the woman. 'Scotch rocks please,' Christine says as the bartender places a napkin and a bowl of peanuts next to her.

'Hello,' the woman in black leather jacket says shyly in a thick accent Christine can't quite place.

'Hi,' Christine responds with a smile.

'I'm Katrin,' the woman says by way of introduction, her voice is shaking slightly and it suddenly occurs to Christine that she might be the more experienced of the two of them. The bartender places her scotch rocks on the napkin, Christine downs it in one gulp and orders another drink for her and one for Katrin.

'Chris,' Christine responds with a warm smile.

'Where are you from?' Katrin asks with curiosity.

'England, Birmingham. You?' Christine asks.

'I am from Rovaniemi. It is in Finland. But I live here now. I have never met someone from England before. What is it like there?'

Christine shrugs, she has never really had to think about what it means to live in Britain before, it is just part of who she is. 'I like England. It is a weird place in a lot of ways, traditional and modern at the same time. It is a good place to be a musician. There is a big blues scene. I play blues music so it works.'

'Finland is quiet. Too quiet for me.' Katrin replies. 'I've heard Helsinki is better than Rovaniemi but I have only been there on short holidays, not long enough to get to know it. I am trained as a doctor but I couldn't find work in Finland so I came here. I like it a lot. I work in a huge hospital in the casualty department and it is always busy. Always interesting.'

The bartender pours them a second round of drinks and they both down them quickly.

'Have you ever been with a woman?' Christine asks Katrin, emboldened by the alcohol.

'Yes, you?' Katrin replies simply.

'Yes, but not for a long time now.' Christine says placing her hand unconsciously in her pocket and finding her wedding ring, she feels guilty.

The bartender pours them a third round and Christine drinks it in a single gulp. Suddenly being in this bar feels wrong.

'I have to go,' She says to Katrin, not looking her in the eye. Christine walks out of the bar and doesn't look back. She isn't content in her marriage but cheating won't fix it. She doesn't know what will.