Not a poem.
~
It's not fair. I tried my best, I held it in for so long, I was scared to the core but I bottled it up, I struggled to sleep, struggled to eat, struggled to act like a good friend, I lost my spontaneity, I got hurt by the silences, the awkward conversations, how your smile faded away and how I could do nothing about it. I was lost, unhappy, silenced, so, so tired and aching. I needed to get it out. It was either my mind crushed by my own doing or my heart cut open by yours. I made a selfish choice.
You know what the saddest part of all this is? I knew it was impossible all along. And even though I never got my hopes up (I mean ever), I still managed to fall for you. Pathetic, I know. I was planning on never telling you. But aoutch. It hurt so fucking bad. I told you, mostly to alleviate the pain, to start over, to stop the bleeding. Also because I hate lying. Still selfish as hell. But well, I started feeling like I wasn't the only one fucking up this friendship.
I don't know why or when you started pushing me aside, why you stopped talking about the universe, why you stopped sticking out your tongue while drawing, why you stopped caring as much as you did before. I wish I could've helped, but I had no idea what was happening.
Sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming. I want to believe that I could just wake up one day, and it would be summer all over again, and we'd write endless conversations that wouldn't make any sense on a piece of paper, but we wouldn't care because we'd be laughing like two dumbasses (at least I would be), and we would both be at ease and there would be no awkwardness whatsoever. But summer is long over. I have to let it go if I want to stand proud again instead of looking like a broken mess. Fucking apathy.
When I told you, I thought it went well. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I felt relieved, actually. I thought you cared. But right now, I feel like the friendship faded away with the summer sun. And I know you're hurting. I know you don't want to put effort into this. I know it's unknown, and not reciprocated, and awkward, and demanding time and work. But God, aoutch again. You don't trust me. How easy was it to break a bond I thought was so strong. It always makes me tear up to realize how unstable this friendship really is, when it's one of the things I most believe in.
I would never hurt you (at least not on purpose but that's not reassuring is it). I would never pursue you. I would never make you feel uncomfortable. Have I ever? Have I ever let the fucking beating of my heart lead my decisions and stop me from treating you as a friend?
My strongest belief is the following: I believe in honesty. And I won my honesty back. And I know it's the motto I need to live by for my throat to stop burning and my lungs to stop suffocating and my stomach to stop tightening. I need to find myself again. And even though it stung to know that this trust could be so easily broken, I get it, or at least I'm trying to. I understand and accept it. Do what's best for you, but please tell me so it doesn't hurt me along the way. Honestly, I already let go a long time ago, and I just want to feel okay again.
I read a quote that stuck to me: "Never regret something that once made you smile". Well, I don't regret anything about this mess of a situation. It made me learn and grow, still does. I wish you the same, with less pain.
You won't read this. But I need to get it out. Paper and words cut deeper, heal faster, and are more peaceful than a razor blade.
Just remember that even with the hurt, weirdness, silences and everything in between, I'll always remain your friend.
I hope that this is more of an au revoir than a goodbye.
13.01.18
