Hey there. I thought I'd post this without looking at the eventual grammar mistakes I made, because I want it to be real. I wrote this a month ago, and I'm now in a better place. But I need to get this out, in the process of getting over it. Hope it helps you as well as me.
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Fuck.
It kinda gets tiring. this whole routine thing. i wish I didn't have an anxiety attack in the middle of a fucking CE class. i hope all these problems can still be solved. i hope all this shit is almost through. i wish my brain worked normally sometimes, or that i didn't need the tears, blood and thoughts to spill. i wish my stomach didn't ache. i wish i didn't enjoy starving myself. i wish i wasn't such a bad friend. i wish i didn't feel. i wish i couldn't love. i wish she didn't always cloud my mind. i wish i didn't love her. i wish i could just pause it all. i wish i didn't know, wish i was dumb, ignorant, egoistic and narrow-minded.
but well, i'm me.
it fucking hurts, but it's a numb kind of pain, regularly needs to be pierced for the mental wound not to get infected. it's an ocean, it's beautiful, it's inspiring, it's enormous, it's dark, it's light, it's deadly. it's a constant hurricane of thoughts. yeah, seems like I can only compare my brain to a catastrophy.
I don't really know what to do, in all honesty. I wonder how much longer until my knuckles turn blue. I know a few things that can help: art. Writing poetry, singing and songwriting helps me get the thoughts out, drawing allows me to express the beauty I see and feel, and writing... writing gives me a home. but sometimes (like right now), there's so much to take in, so much to think about, so much pressure, that I just can't seem to concentrate, or do anything at all. I should be working. I'm trying not to cry instead. not to scream. not to feel. I wish writing it down and singing it out was enough. it usually is. but this time, everything's different. My love is dying. and i miss summer. I need to be a good friend. i already try, but i'm scared, and tired, and it requires to get out of my comfort zone, to face my fears and open up. when did I start to feel bad about myself? it's like I imagined she had thorns, and the second I did they started pricking at my skin, forcing me to get away from her. when did I start feeling tired? is it depression again? people told me I looked happy in the summer, but now they ask me to show them my wrists with fear in their eyes. I really have no idea what to do, so I'll just keep writing, and singing, and drawing, until...until forever. I know I'm getting closer to okay. I just know it. but I need to stop skipping meals, and stop being tired, and listen in class, and let time do it's work. and I should stop thinking so much, too. it helps for creativity, of course, but it also makes life seem meaningless. I should live in the present. I try not to fail so bad it hurts. I don't want to crash and burn. I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. so I should do something about it. I should breathe, and work, and have projects, and draw, and love, and accept this love without hiding it. it'll pass. but I'll linger in this feeling and turn the rain into something beautiful. I have the right to be happy. so lets do it.
