❝I'm trying, I really am. But, I feel so.. let down. It's like I'm falling, and there's no way to get back up.❞
Oceana Bloom, a writer and an artist, can't seem to put her pain into words and her sadness into art. It's not that everything hurts, but...
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"Papa, I'm home!" I shouted, as I closed the door behind me and took off my shoes. Waiting for a response, I shout again, assuming that maybe I wasn't loud enough the first time. I put my black backpack down, next to our small sofa, and walked into the kitchen. I took off my light, brown coat as I placed it on the chair that was in front of the island. Maybe he's working overtime today, I thought, but a piece of me hoped I was wrong. Today was Tuesday, and he promised that Tuesdays would be our day and he would spend time with me. But, the second I walked inside, I hoped that his promise hadn't been broken.
I looked around, as I considered what to eat, my stomach grumbling in a plea for food. I placed my hand on the fridge door, and before I opened it, my eyes landed on a pale, yellow sticky note. He uses those when he has something important written on it. I grabbed the sticky note off of the fridge, as I start to read what was written on it.
Hello ttal,
I hope school was good today. I'm sorry I couldn't call you, my phone was dead. I have gone to get groceries. I will be back soon, in an hour or so. I miss you, get something to eat and start on your homework.
See you soon,
Papa
I read over the note a couple of times, relieved that he would be back soon and that he wasn't working overtime. Ttal, my fingers grazed over that word.
My father was Korean and my mother was Caucasian. And, even though he tried to get used to the American culture, once in a while, he would throw in a couple of Korean words into our conversations. I already knew a few words in Korean, and ttal was one of them. It's the Korean word for daughter. My mother especially loved that word and used to call me that too.
Just thinking about her brings back memories, wonderful memories. But, with those memories came too many tears.
Sighing, I placed the note down on the island. Instead of heading for the fridge, I got a bowl, that had a lovely, blue pattern on the edge and I poured in some goldfish crackers and got myself a glass of water. I didn't even realize how thirsty I was, once I was done gulping down the glass of water. I filled my glass again, and I placed it on the countertop.
I steered myself upstairs to freshen up after a long day at school. I changed into something a bit more comfier, the white shirt and light blue skirt I had on, was starting to feel uncomfortable. As I got rid of my clothes, I slid on my navy blue sweatpants and my light gray sweatshirt, the fabric soft against my skin. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt the disappointment rushing in. My dark, brown hair was up in a messy ponytail and my eyes had dark circles under them. My skin had slight traces of some acne, but not that much.
I was a bit of a disaster, but not entirely.
Looking again into the mirror, I felt the disappointment still there, and I tried to think a bit more positively. At least my teeth are white .. that's a good thing, right? But, having white teeth didn't mean you were pretty, so I stopped looking.
I went back downstairs, taking my backpack, as I shuffled through the books trying to find my light blue, binder. Once I found it, I started on my homework, with Biology first.
In an hour, I was done with my Biology and Math homework, it hadn't taken me that long because I had finished my other homework during my study period in school. Putting my hand in the bowl to grab another goldfish cracker, I realized I had eaten all of them and I had finished 2 glasses of water. But somehow, I was still hungry. As tempting as it was to eat some more of those wonderfully, salted crackers, I stopped, reminding myself that we were low on food. I had to control myself, so I ended up drinking some more water.
Usually, it took me longer to finish my homework, so when I finished it early today, I didn't know what to do with the time I had left. So, I decided to read a bit. I pulled out a book from my backpack, a book that I had been waiting so long to read, but never had the time to. Wonderstruck, I had heard many good things about this book, and I had to give it a try. As I began to read Wonderstruck, I didn't end up realizing that almost another hour had gone by, and still no papa.
"Where is he ..?" I muttered in frustration, it had been almost two hours, and he hadn't returned which was frankly starting to upset me. I slammed my book down on the sofa, not bothering to keep note of where I left off, mostly because I had more important things to attend to. I reached into my backpack, pulled out my phone and texted papa asking where he was. After waiting for a couple of minutes, it finally hit me that his phone was dead and so was my hope at this point.
And, just in time, I heard the door open, as I saw him walking in with his hands full of grocery bags. "Papa, let me help you..!" My thoughts of frustration had been quickly forgotten, as I helped him carry some of the bags into the kitchen. "..What took you so long?" I asked as we put the bags down on the kitchen floor. He gave me a sad smile, and said,"Oceana, I-I'm sorry for making you wait so long. T-there was so much t-traffic .. I'm very sorry." He looked tired, his eyes reflected the same dark bags that I had on my face. His black hair was a bit messy like he had put his hand in it too many times.
He looked tired, and he was trying to not let it show.
Together we put the groceries away, as he asked me about my homework and how school had gone, as he did every day. I took a moment, feelings of uneasiness spread through me as I thought about telling papa about the "Cameron situation".
"School is good, a bit boring, but good nevertheless. And umm .. Mrs. Harp asked me to do something for her .." My voice started getting quieter and quieter, afraid of letting the words out.
"Oh?" His eyes perked up, shining a bit, waiting for me to continue,"Was that the nice teacher that you told me about? What did she ask you to do for her?"
"Ohh, yes, she's very kind. She wanted me to show this kid around school for a couple of weeks, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It won't take up that much of my time, is that okay with you ..?"
"Okay, ttal. I'm okay with that, but what's the name of this kid?" He waited patiently for an answer, although I wasn't sure I wanted to give him one.
"Umm .. papa, it's a boy named Cameron .. it will be only for a few days, don't worry." He looked at me for a second, and I couldn't figure out what was going on inside of his mind. His expression was unreadable, masking whatever he felt.
"A boy? Ahh, this must be very important then." He said teasingly, and his eyes were dancing, shining brighter than they had in a very long time.
He was .. happy?
"So, yes, you can help him out and show him around. Just, be careful, okay?" I looked away, my cheeks dusted with a light pink, as I blushed just thinking about Cameron. I nodded my head, relieved that he wouldn't question any further.
He chuckled a bit and smiled, not saying anything else as I left the room, picking up my book on the way. I told him I was going to read, and he nodded in my direction. I walked up the stairs, and my mind went back to Cameron. I was going to show him around ..? The thought of that itself made the butterflies return.
