Inside the mind of a randm teenage girl

Him

Dear lovely reader, 

Its been 15 days since the new year started. 32 since my heart got broken. A full month technically, and it still feels like it was yesterday. We've talked a little bit. Never long. You're still the same. You respond once or twice every 8 hours when the conversation seems to normal. I act like everything is okay and support your ambitions because when you talk about them you talk to me for a while and not what feels like two messages pre-programed into everyone's phone. It's  pathetic. I say I'm getting over you and it feels like it at times but then your name comes up and I know they're talking about someone else but it just drags me back. I get quiet and start thinking. Then shake my head and force a smile. 

I don't know what I'll be like if I ever see you in person again. I hope I'll be over you by then and be able to treat you like the friends we use to be. I know it'll never be like that though. I'll probably be very awkward. I'll look for a way out and walk away and you let me. Wont make any hesitation to stop me and as I'm walking away I hoping. Hoping you'll call my name and jog up to catch up to me. Hoping you pull me into your arms and ask to start over. To give us an actual shot with zero excuses because we'll be grown adults. That wont happen though. You have a relationship with someone else. I'm too different for you. Not enough. 

I decided to write this because there was a character in book. Not just one but many. There was always this one character that was exactly like you in one way or another. This last story was the one that really hit me. The clothing style, the way the character was described, the way he hugged people, and the way he talked. It felt as if they'd copied you and put you into the story. Your name had a line and area all to itself. An impact on the reader made by author. The effect so stunning that tears were running down my face before I realized my heart was clenching painfully, breath becoming short, a headache beginning to form at my temples, and memories of you passing through my head. 

I need you to get out of my head. You gave me too much hope and crushed it.  You were too kind. I could never be mad at you. You caused me grief and I can't stop living in it. So I wrote this in hopes to rid you of my mind. To stop dreaming of meeting you and hoping that we could start over. Hoping that I was already over you and with someone else the next time I saw you. 

I don't regret meeting you. I'm glad I did. You gave me so much to experience. My playlist has expanded. I listened to every single Coldplay song you sent me and loved it. And I loved the music suggestions you made. Driving around with you and listening to you sing along to every single song that came on was relaxing. Kissing you was calming and made my heart race. Made me wish that time hadn't gone so fast when 'watching' a movie. Your voice sending shivers up and down my spine. You'd been everything I felt I needed when I was with you and when you weren't you didn't talk much anymore. You weren't so magical as you seemed. Distance was horrible between us. It did not make the heart grow fonder. 

Thank you for listening to this rant. I needed to get this out where he'd never see it. Where he'd never think to look for answers about how I'm truly feeling and what I'm actually like.  This person is I've been talking about in Before the year ends and here was someone I truly and honestly thought I loved. I did love them. They did not feel the same. They knew what I felt for them though. I leave you with this last song that came on while writing this rant. 

Until next time my lovely reader...