Red Dwarf - Here No Evil (Cured Redux)

Chapter Two

All of them sat at a round table, grudgingly. Not one of them wanted to be there, but it was free food. The sound of clanking silverware and glasses being could only be heard; no-one dared to say a word when such horrible humans occupied the room. Some of them even made Rimmer look like Mosses.

Cat sat by the doorway, Lister by Rimmer, Aria was wedged between Rimmer and Kryten. Opposite of them was Adolf "Dolfy" Hitler, Joseph "Joe" Stalin, Valeria Messalina and, running a little late to the get-together, Vlad The Impaler.

"It is so lovely for us to have guests," Dolfy said, smiling. He picked up a bottle. "Some wine? Let me be mutter," He poured some into a glass and handed it to Messalina. "Now, appetisers. Pumpernickel canapes, we just got them out of cryo. Made them myself. Dragon fruit?" Picking up the magenta coloured fruit, he pretended it was a grenade, pulling the imaginary pin with his teeth and threw it to Lister, then with his hands, he mimicked an explosion.

Joseph chuckled and nudged him. "That's a great one." he said, chortling the entire time.

The others didn't find it so funny. They shifted in their seats as if this somehow made it easier to shift the situation. Lister and Cat gave uncomfortable laughs and smiles; Kryten and Aria had blank stares while Rimmer grimaced and cringed internally.

"Oh, and you must try his puddings," Messalina insisted, placing a hand on Dolfy and staring fondly at him. Dolfy makes the most divine choux pastry."

His cheeks pinked up like a schoolgirl's. "Messy, please, you're embarrassing me," Innocently, he played with what little hair he had. "She's terrible."

Lister finally spoke up. "What about all the other scientists? I mean, surely you weren't always here on your own?"

"Well, many years ago, they sent a special task force to eliminate us," Telford said, then waved his hand towards his cured patients. "but with our pooled skills, we managed to survive."

Tilting his head and still dubious, Rimmer asked, "Why would they try to eliminate you?"

Going around the table, each of the patients replied starting with Dolfy, "A cure for evil would mean an end to war."

Then Joseph. "An end to war would mean no arms industry."

Messalina shrugged. "Which would mean... trillions of lost dollar/pounds."

Dolfy leaned back in his seat, his eyes flicking across the table, intently staring at each of the crew members. "The First World economy would slump."

"The Second and Third World economy would boom."

"There would be no one to exploit." Joseph said with his arms loosely folded across his abdomen.

Vlad brought a skewer with what looked like pork to his mouth, speared like a head on a stake, but he didn't eat it just yet. "Society wouldn't work anymore."

Telford had his elbows on the table, hands folded below his chin. "Yes, they couldn't allow the end of evil to happen. So, they marooned us here, with no hope of getting back to Earth."

Lister looked at each of the patients' sombre faces. He couldn't bring himself to tell them there probably was no Earth to go back to, three million years into deep space. Instead, he just listened to anything else they might've had to say.

"But enough," Dolfy drawled insistently. "Let us eat. There is much to do. After lunch, we must show you our engineering department. In the meantime, a toast," He and the other cured lifted their glasses. "To new friends."

Grinning and with their glasses raised, they all said, "New friends."

The others weren't so eager to call these people 'friends', even Rimmer, who once idolised Hitler, was disgusted — but they obliged them anyway. "New friends..."