Journey towards Acceptance

A Day in the Sun

It has been 3 months since Lana was forced to stay at Briarcliff. She was now used to the small cells they call bedrooms, the common room with that same two-minute song on a loop and of course Sister Jude. She never thought she would say this but Jude was not as mean as people would make her to be. Yes she would punish them when they misbehaved but that was her job. She was making sure no one could escape and there was no foul behaviour in the institution. Everyone knew what would happen if your actions didn't agree with Sister Jude's beliefs. If you were dumb enough to disobey the rules then you have yourself to blame for what is going to happen to you. Lana figured there is no reason to rebel against Jude. What good would that be to her and her pride. That electroshock therapy and the punishments she got the first month have only made her show her weakness to Jude and she would like to avoid that as much as possible.

It had been 2 months since she made the decision to behave appropriately and so her life in Briarcliff has been uneventful. It was beginning of spring and everyone was allowed outside for the first time. She was sitting on a bench allowing the sunlight to hit her with its energy. She doesn't know for how long she was sitting there but the next thing she remembers is opening her eyes and seeing Sister Jude next to her holding an ice cold towel on her forehead with one hand and massaging her palm with the other.

"What happened" she asked confused.

"Apparently you fainted. God knows how long you were under the sun" Sister Jude replied.

"I am sorry Sister. I was just excited to see the sun and thought the cold breeze would keep me from fainting. I didn't mean to disturb you from your work. You can go now." Lana didn't know why Jude was here. Jude hated her. She locked her in here. So why didn't she let her suffer in her room?

"You are my work Miss Winters. I am not leaving this room unless you are well enough to walk."

Jude's response caught Lana off guard.

"You really don't have to Sister. Sorry if my comment came out as too harsh." Never in a million years has she thought she would be apologizing to the very person who forced her in this institution. She didn't want to admit it but she liked the idea of Jude keeping her company. She was the only person she could have a proper conversation with. Kit was a good friend of hers but what she felt with Jude was even stronger. She couldn't quite place the feeling so she decided to just ignore it.

"Miss Winters, I know I haven't been kind to you in the past but I want to be here. You are my responsibility. No one should be alone when ill."

Jude kept her promise. She stayed for the next five hours with Lana. Jude thought that talking to the younger woman would help bring her back to her senses. And it really did. Their conversation started and they were both feeling uncomfortable but thirty minutes later all awkwardness was gone and they just talked as if they were friends from the past. The have been talking about anything the could think of, from Jude's singing career to Lana's first job and they even set a date on the interview based on the bakery. Jude had a question in mind but didn't know if it was appropriate to ask. Lana noticed but didn't want to pressure the older woman. She wanted Jude to ask her when she felt comfortable. After they finished talking about Jude's family tree Jude finally got the courage to ask.

"Miss Winters" Jude said hesitantly "I am sorry if this is a private question but when visited Wendy she told me that you do not have any contact with your parents. Shall I ask what happened?"

"You are a clever person Sister. You don't need me to answer this question for you."

"Why would they cut you out because you are a lesbian? This is who you are"

Lana laughed bitterly and Jude just processed the words that escaped her mouth not seconds ago.

"Oh. Lana I am so sorry." she said this time holding both Lana's hands in hers.

Lana didn't know what came through her but she began opening up to Jude. "I never did anything wrong or wild in my life. I was always the best version of myself. My father taught me to fight for what I believe in and work hard to get what I want. I went to study and there is where I met my first love. I graduated, needless to say I was the best in class, and so I thought it wouldn't matter if I liked girls. When I came through the door with my girlfriend my parents thought she was a friend of mine and they were very excited to see me and kind towards her. The moment I came out the kindness disappeared. They told me I was a disgrace and I was not worthy of being their daughter." Tears started to appear in Lana's eyes and she was trying her best not to allow them to fall. "And so I left. I started working and got where I am today. So the cooking columns you were teasing are actually what allowed me to make a living."

Before she could comprehend what was happening Jude hugged her tightly and started crying.

"Lana, I am so sorry. I am a mean person. I didn't want to make you relive that experience. I locked you here and denied you your freedom. And on top of that I mocked you for being the way you are."

Lana couldn't hold the tears any longer. She returned the hug and let her guard and tears fall. Jude decided she should be the strong one now so she let go of the grip she had on Lana, wiped away her own tears and held Lana close to her. Lana buried her head against Jude's neck. Neither of them moved. Lana was silently crying while Jude was stroking her hair. Neither of them wanted to let the other go. Jude wanted to confort Lana for as long as Lana let her and Lana wanted to stay in Jude's arms forever. She felt safe around Jude. The fact that Jude understood her and acknowledged her own mistake made their relationship feel more significant than the typical patient and institution manager. She felt nice when Jude stroked her hair. She never wanted it to end. But alas, the moment came and Jude was the first to pull away. Jude regretted it immediately, already missing Lana's warmth from her body, but she couldn't stay in the room much longer. Lana was conscious now and there was no excuse for her being there with her.

"How are you feeling?" Jude asked. She was holding Lana's face in her two hands, looking straight into her eyes while wiping her tears with her thumbs.

"I. Uh. Am much better." Lana closed her eyes enjoying the warmth of Jude's hands on her cheeks. "Thank you." she whispered. When she opened her eyes she saw Jude smiling and then she felt her heart fluttering. That feeling she couldn't quite place is now very clear. She was falling for Jude. She wanted to lean in and kiss her softly but she thought she would only scare her away so she contained herself.

"I am going to go now Lana. If there is anything you need I want you to let me know and I will do anything in my power to assist you." Jude said still smiling at her.

Lana nodded, unable to form any words except 'I love you', and Jude made her way out the door.

The moment Jude exited the room Lana fell back on her bed and placed her palms on her face. 'How could I love her. This is not meant to happen. Why am I like this. An act of kindness and I fall for her. She probably doesn't even care about me.' But neither of these thoughts could erase the smile on her face. She hasn't felt anything as strong as this with her previous relationships. Could it be their connection? It could be the fact that Jude knows her deepest fears of being rejected. Or was it that she has seen the worst of Jude and now she could see the human side of Jude. She didn't want to analyse it. So she just went to sleep excited to wake up the next day and seeing Jude.