I stared at my sister sitting across from me at the table. I could tell she was agitated and uncomfortable, but I did my best to keep a light mood and gave her a small smile.
"so, what are we going to eat?" I picked up the flimsy yellow menu the waitress had set down in front of us and looked it over. There wasn't much to choose from since it was just a little hole in the wall diner we had always gone to as children after church on Sundays with our parents for brunch.
"I told you already when you picked me up, that I wasn't hungry and I had just eaten" she irritably pushed her menu to the middle of the table and crossed her legs defiantly.
"Jessica, there is no reason to be snippy with me I just wanted to do something with you while I am in town. Besides regardless of what you say I know for a fact that you haven't eaten anything today." I pushed her menu back at her and continued to review my choices even though I knew already what I would be eating. I was doing my best not to let my frustration show, because my sister was quick to catch an attitude whenever she felt that she was being wrongfully attacked.
"how are you gonna tell me for a fact what I have and haven't eaten today?" she raised her perfectly arched left eyebrow challenging me.
"ok," I sighed "I don't know exactly what you have eaten today but, I do have a hunch that it was probably the same thing u eat for every meal, which lately has been nothing." I looked up as our waitress walked by and ushered her to come over to us.
"hi there! My name is Anna bell I will be your server today. Can I start you guys off with any drinks?" she pulled a pad and pen out of the front of her black apron tied neatly and clean across her waist over her white polo and dark blue jeans.
"yes, can I have a coffee, and what would you like Jessica?"
"nothing" Jessica said rudely pulling out her phone and typing away, probably complaining to her friends about how badly I was getting on her nerves.
"she will have an orange juice" I cut in, giving the waitress a small smile. I could tell that Anna bell sensed the tension at the table, but did her best to remain chipper.
"ok! I will be right back with those drinks for you guys. I will give you a few moments to look over the menu and decide what you will be eating today." She tucked her pad into her pocket, and turned around to go fetch our drinks. I watched her blonde ponytail bounce as she half walked, half skipped towards the kitchen. I slowly turned and put my focus back on Jessica.
"so what exactly did you eat again that you are too full to have brunch with your big sister?" Jessica rolled her eyes and focused back on her phone.
" I had eggs, bacon, potatoes, and a pancake." She gave me an icy look daring me to challenge her word. I always chose dare as a kid anyways.
"hmm that's funny" I scratched my chin comically trying not to anger her with my rebuttal "buuttt, I thought you told me oatmeal and a bagel with cream cheese and coffee" I stared her in the eyes and watched a fire begin to dance in them.
"Damn it Rebecca!" she screamed slamming her little fist on the table "I don't need you sitting here judging me as if you are perfect. I don't care what the hell I said I ate today it doesn't matter what I told you. So what if I forgot?! the point is I already said I wasn't hungry and you're the one who decided to drag me here anyways against my will." I turned and saw an old woman sitting with her friend having coffee in the corner booth turned completely around in her seat staring at us. Her thin wrinkled lips were fixed in a tight line of judgement and disapproval. Her gray coarse hair hung loosely at her shoulders as her pale blue eyes stared holes into my sister.
"if you stare at her any harder I'm going to charge you 20 dollars for the show" I snapped at her. She quickly turned back to her friend and her picked up her coffee mug trying to hide her obvious embarrassment. I instantly felt bad. I mean, I really couldn't blame her for staring, I knew what she saw when she looked at Jessica. She saw a living skeleton floating around in an oversized grey hoodie, and barely visible shorts that she probably bought in the children's department of the clothing store. Her thin white legs no bigger than walking sticks with vans attached to them under the table, a beautiful ghostly face with sunken cheeks and sad brown eyes. She saw her fidget uncomfortably as the waitress came back and set the orange juice in front of her. The skinny arms and tiny bony hands that she tried to keep covered with the sleeves of her sweater. I knew she saw all these things and I felt bad for yelling at her but I also felt like I was obligated to stand up for my sister, regardless of the fact that if the tables had been turned I would definitely be staring too.
"Have you ladies decided what you will be having today?" the waitress stared at us eagerly awaiting our response, pen poised over the paper. I looked at Jessica who rolled her eyes at me and buried her attention deeper into her phone.
"well," I started
"I will have a piece of toast and a bowl of fruit please" Jessica cut in, not even bothering to look up.
"actually, we will both have the breakfast grand slammer" I corrected. I saw anger cloud over Jessica's face.
"I said I will have toast and fruit" she growled.
"please the grand slammers, and that will be all" I firmly asserted. The waitress quickly jotted down what I ordered, gave a quick glance to Jessica who had tears clinging on for dear life at the edge of her eyelids threating to jump over the edge down her cheeks, and walked away. I could tell she was confused and just wanted to get out of the middle of our odd exchange.
"why do you always have to try and control my life?" Jessica glared at me from across the table.
"I'm not trying to control you; I'm trying to help you Jessica damn. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? Do you see what you are doing to yourself? Do you even care? Your friends called me and told me how worried about you they are, you passed out twice last week? Seriously? That doesn't scare you? That doesn't make you think that something is wrong? That maybe you need help?" I fought the urge to cry and tried to take the sharpness out of my tone in order to come off softer. I could see the betrayal in Jessica's expression once I mentioned the fact that her friends had contacted me about her health.
"are you kidding me right now?" she lost the battle with her tears and they started to spill down her cheeks. I was about to try and say something to comfort her, but I was interrupted by the waitress coming and setting our hot plates of food in front of us. Jessica wiped the tears from her face and gave the food a look of disgust.
"this smells putrid" she commented snobbily with her nose in the air.
"thank you Anna bell" I said talking over her "it looks amazing" I gave her a small smile and placed my napkin over my lap preparing to eat, even though my altercation with my sister was starting to make me lose my appetite.
"well you guys just let me know if you need anything else alright?" she set syrup on the table then rushed to seat a family of four that had just walked in.
I watched as Jessica pushed her eggs around her plate completely uninterested in what was sitting in front of her. I bit into a piece of bacon and carefully thought over my next words, which did no good since my irritation did nothing but cause me to snap.
"can u please stop acting like a stubborn five-year-old and eat your damn food. God Jessica your nineteen get some type of maturity about yourself." I watched my harsh words slap her in the face. She sat up in her chair, I could see as her jaw tightened and I could tell she wanted nothing more than to reach across the table and strike me. I braced myself for the blow, but the one I got hurt worse than what I was expecting.
"fuck you Rebecca! You act like you're so perfect and you're just this model sister who cares so much about me that you came all this way to see what was wrong, when you had the power this whole time to help me. You're the one who shut me out after mom and dad died! You're the one who locked yourself in your bedroom day after day while I sat broken trying to cope with my own grief!" she yelled pushing herself angrily away from the table, roughly wiping tears from her face. "I've been this way for the last year and a half! I stopped eating a looong time ago, but you want to notice now, you want to come here now looking me up and down judging me acting like you are better than me. How much did you care when I started taking laxatives like they were vitamins? Did you care when I started gagging myself with a toothbrush every night after you ordered me another carb filled takeout dinner? What about when my boyfriend dumped me because I was too fat for his image and I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing that my mother was still alive to comfort me, because my sister was so busy worrying about her own pain to give a shit about what I was going through." By now every eye in the diner was on us. People were staring at us as if we were the newest episode of their favorite t.v drama, I wanted so badly to say something smart to them and make them feel stupid for staring, but I couldn't think straight with all this new information rushing through my head ripping down my barriers I had built around myself after my parents died. I wanted to grab my sister and comfort her and let her know how sorry I was for all the pain she had to endure by herself. But I couldn't do anything but stare at her as tears ran down my hot red face. "But now all of a sudden you want to care! Now you want to know how I'm doing and why I am doing these things to myself. Why don't you just pack up and move again without an offer to come along, I mean god did you really think I wanted to stay in a house where my parents used to wake up and cook breakfast every day, a house where we had every Christmas and thanksgiving, birthday, and every holiday I can remember since I was born. Obviously you didn't. obviously it hurt you to wake up every morning without the smell of fresh pancakes and bacon wafting up the stairs, you must have missed dad's dumb ass jokes that we hated but loved. You couldn't take it so why did you think I could? You're my big sister and I needed you, of course you had to wait until it was too late, you had to wait until I started looking like this!" she pulled her sweater all the way up to her bra and I heard the old bitch with the coffee let out a small gasp, only I couldn't argue it because I let one out too. My sister was nothing but bones and skin tightly stretched over them, she looked like she should be on a commercial asking people to donate a dollar a day to feed her. She looked like she hadn't eaten in weeks. I put my hand over my mouth as my sobs got stronger. "you look disgusted by me and I could care less. This is how I dealt with my pain. Fuck your eggs and bacon and pancakes, they will never be the same to me. Every day that my mother can't make them is a day I'd rather not be living." With that she turned and ran out the diner.
"Jessica wait!" I yelled after her. I doubt she heard me because my throat was so coarse from crying. With shaking fingers, I reached into my wallet and pulled out a hundred-dollar bill and tossed it on the tale. It was way too much money for the food, but oh well after dealing with us the poor girl deserved the tip. I walked out to my car and saw Jessica lying in the backseat her back turned to me. I got in and stuck my key in the ignition. I knew what I had to do, I had to get her help. I had failed her in so many ways but I wouldn't fail again. I was driving her straight to the hospital.it wouldn't be easy but we would get through it together. I didn't want to be her disappointment anymore. I was finally going to be her hero.
