Loving you like Drizzle

You should've said something. Anything.

March 25, 2021
6:33 P.M.

How do I say goodbye to you? How do I let this flow out of my life as easy as I drain the ink out of this pen?

Marami na akong araw na isinulat sa mga pahina mo, mga kwento ng araw-araw kong pananahimik na sayo ko isinisigaw.

I am never the poet in real life. Never the hopeless romantic. I always knew where to stand and god damn it, I always stood my ground. All the freaking time. Hoping it would keep me from situations I fear about.

Maybe I was that in real life. I was the coward who never spoke of truthful things. I never spoke my mind.

I never spoke my heart.

And it led me to this day. The day I fear the most.

My hotel room is just beside hers. Yes, hers. You have heard her name a million times, my friend. I bet you're getting tired of it. Perhaps, so am I. But how do I forget the name that makes my heart ache and the butterflies in my stomach flutter at the same time? How do I stop the tear from my eyes and the smile on my face everytime I hear her giggle every now and then with her Mom?

Freakin' thin hotel walls.

She was so pretty in her dress earlier, her smile complementing with it. I bet tomorrow she would be even more beautiful with tears on her eyes and a lingering kiss on her lips.

How do I take away the pain for me to be genuinely happy for her?

Tell me...

How do I unlove my best friend the night before her wedding day?

I want to be there for her, to give her the happiness she deserves. The sincerity she deserves. The love...

Sino ba ang niloloko ko? I have never given her the things she deserves. Because if I did, I won't be writing this lame diary entry of losing the love of my life.

I would have been thinking of my vows I would keep for the rest of my life, for her.

But I'm not a poet nor a hopeless romantic. I don't get to do the vows. I don't get to stand my ground at the altar looking at her like she's the most beautiful girl on her white gown, the most beautiful girl even if her face is covered by a veil and ruined make up because of tears. I don't get to 'get the girl' or be the person who married her bestfriend.

But no, I get to be the person who helps her tie her life with the man she deserves. I get to be the bestfriend who watches her bestfriend get married first. I get to be the lover who spoke nothing and stared not too long for her to notice and lost all her chances. I just get to be the coward in this story.

I get to be the best friend and that's all I'll ever be for her. And somehow, it doesn't hurt just as much as it should.

This is my last entry of honesty and vulnerability. This is the ending we have been waiting for the longest time. Too bad it wasn't the ending we have been rooting for... but I know this is what she deserves.

-

"Bea? Everyone is going down for dinner. You should come with us."

"Y-yeah. Coming, Mom. Wait for me."

Bea puts down her pen right after she finishes her entry. Closing the book and leaving it on the table since no one was sharing the room with her. She fixed her hair and wiped the marks of tears on her face. Once satisfied, she opened the door and was greeted by her Mom and Kianna.