How Silent Love Can Be

Chapter 18: I'll Never Leave You

Warning: This episode contains an talk of an anxiety attack and self-depreciation, if you are uncomfortable or get triggered by this and talk of suicide you should not read this episode. 

Dipper's POV:

I opened my eyes to black all around. I was confused, where was I? "Bill?!" I called out for him. No reply. I sighed, where ever I was Bill wasn't here. I noticed that my feet weren't on the ground, for the matter I felt like I weighed nothing. I tried to stick my hand through myself to see if I was being possessed, but to my luck I wasn't. Okay, it feels like when I was possessed but I'm still solid. What could that me? Think what happened! Me and Mabel were sparing, then what? I remember feeling weak and dizzy, I think I fell. So what actually happened, why am I here?

Suddenly I heard some thing, no someone. "I'm sorry Pinetree, this will be for your own good. Please, wake up." I heard them say. I know it's Bill, only he calls me Pinetree. He then continued, "I shouldn't have taught you magic, now your in a coma and it's all my fault..." he confessed to me. So I'm in a magic coma, like he warned us about. Damn it Bill it's my fault not yours, I was the one who over did it you didn't make me! "I can't teach you anymore, it's not safe. Not until your old enough, then we can try again. I'm sorry, I just wan't you safe." he told me. I'm sorry too Bill, I was careless and now I worried you for no reason.

"I never wanted this to happen, I was so careful. With all this power, you could have died if you used to much." then he proceeded to sob. I felt a warmth suddenly spread to my shoulder, it started to get a bit damp but I never felt the wetness. It was a very weird sensation, but not unpleasant. Wait, I could have died? I wasn't that powerful right, Bill is exaggerating right? I chose not to think about this for now, I instead focused on Bill's voice. He kept talking to me and blamed this on himself. I wished I could talk to him somehow but I couldn't think of how to, Bill has never taught us about what to do in this situation. 

This went on for a while until he said something different from before. "I can't believe I let this happen to you. I was so stupid and couldn't even protect the weaker magic user, now she's in a coma too. I could have prevented her coma if I gave her some of my energy in time, but I was to focused on someone I couldn't fix to notice. Do you see what you do to me Dipper? Your the one person who can make me forget about everything and everyone, even in an emergency." he told me and continued to cry, a little harder now. Mabel's in a coma too? At least she won't have a chance of dying like me, but she's still in a coma. And it's all my fault....

By this point people would be calling me self-depreciative  because of all the hate I'm giving myself. I know I'm very smart and skilled, but all I can think is how stupid and weak I am. Because I AM stupid, I AM weak, I AM selfish. If I didn't ask Mabel to do extra sparring then we wouldn't be in this mess. Have you ever felt like the world would be better if you disappeared? Even if you were gone for just a minute, everything would be better for the people around you. That's how I'm feeling right now, and it's honestly terrible. I wish I could stop all these hateful comments and bad thoughts, but they just took over my mind.

I could feel my heart rate increase with the intensity of the hate. For every beat of my heart 5 more hurtful words or comments made their way through my mind. I was now internally panicking. I could barely breathe right and the words were getting worse, nothing could stop them because they were all coming from me. They repeated and replayed over and over like a mantra in my head. I was struggling to keep calm but that just made everything worse and worse and worse. I was in a fetal position in the air, still trying to breathe and failing. Meanwhile, I could hear Bill start to panic.

"What's happening? Why is his heart rate through the roof?! His breathing is irregular, it looks like it's stressful to try and breathe right." he started out yelling but then went to mumbling under his breath. I felt the weird sensation again, this time in my hand, it felt like it was enveloped in heat but the source was unknown. I felt some pressure in my hand and heard Bill promise, "I'll be back soon, I'm going to get Sixers." His voice soothed me, but as soon as he left they got worse again. Every minute he was gone a new comment was made about how he abandoned me. I don't know how much longer I could do this, it was almost hurting me to just exist. Please hurry Bill....