Our Path of Freedom {HYYH, Wings, Love Yourself}

#6 Mama. J-Hope

                   

With the face that resembled her son's, timeless, ageless and full of inner strength, the beautiful woman smiled with dignity. Her gaze was fulfillment, her greeting a homecoming. Silently, I stretched my hands out to her.

Your first love is the one you'll keep your whole life. Your mother is the first person in your life that you'll love unconditionally. And she is the first person that will love you unconditionally. That's at least how it's supposed to be. But not for me...

I am Jung Hoseok. I am 23 years old and I lived in an orphanage. When I was finally considered as an adult I was able to leave, better said I got kicked out. I didn't mind at all though. It was a horrible place. The owner was strict. We had to work all day, we got something to eat once a day and I had to share a bed with two other kids since there wasn't enough space for everyone. But at night when everybody was supposed to sleep, I did something else. I quietly made my way up to the attic and did what I loved so much, more than anything else. It was everything I had. Even though there was no music, I didn't mind. I imagined the music by myself. It was quietly playing in my ears. Sometimes the melody was soft and tender and sometimes it was passionate and strong. I danced. I danced with all my heart, everything I had.

I was still really young when I first got there. A little boy left behind by his mother. She left me and never told me the reason why. It would be a lie if I said it didn't affect me that much because I was too young. That's what the people working there were trying to tell me but they weren't able to tell me one thing: if it didn't affect me that much, where is this hole in my heart coming from, making me feel as empty as a hot air balloon?

I quickly made friends with the other kids my age. But as time went on, I lost more and more of them. Couples came to our house I had considered as home now. They came every once in a while, to adopt a child. With the time going on all of my friends have been taken away by those couples. They got a family. Somebody to love and somebody who loved them as they deserved it. Only I was left. Nobody wanted that boy with the cold and blank face expression. His mother left her trace on his soul and it was clear to see for everybody, yet they didn't want to admit. Nobody wanted that weird child which didn't seem to give a f*** about anything, but they didn't know better. I wasn't jealous though. I didn't think I would ever be capable of showing somebody love and neither receiving this thing called love. So I grew up in this cold and maddening house, taking care of the younger ones, not wanting them to become as empty inside as I was.

As I grew 19 I was kicked out of course. I should now be able to take care of myself. I got a job as a pizza delivery guy. I didn't get paid a lot so I was only able to afford an apartment in one of the bad areas of Seoul. It was only one room containing a bed, a small kitchen and a bathroom. It was enough though. I met a few guys around my neighborhood. They weren't one of the good ones but of course I didn't care a lot back then. All I wanted was to fill my emptiness somehow and they said they were able to help me. So I kind of made friends with them. We started to hang out nearly every day. We played games and drank alcohol and did drugs. I tried everything they had, every kind of pill and it always had different effects.

Time went on and the worst day as every year came. My birthday. The day my mother left me. That day I wasn't filled with emptiness. I was filled with sadness, disappointment and anger. I hung out with my "friends" again. They had some funny things with them again.

Hoseok you should try it. Usually I didn't like to be the first one trying a new drug. But this day was different. I felt so much pain that day it was nearly unbearable. So I decided to give it a shot.

They gave me some funny looking pills. They were pretty, bright orange. Shortly after I took them my head began to feel dizzy and the world in front of me disappeared.