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Tom Miller, MD had always been a busy man, but if he thought medical school, residency, or his fellowship had been his busiest, he was wrong. Trying to keep a job as a single parent was beyond busy. Most days being busy was good for him, because he didn't have time to think of what he'd lost. Then he'd look at Lily and she'd remind him of her mother, his love, his wife, who was gone. Her sad face also reminded him of how often he had failed her.
Their move and his new position were to help him be a better parent, but he still couldn't get it right. Lily refused to stay with a babysitter and preferred going to the library. So rather than being home alone after school, Lily sat at the library until he could pick her up. The library closed early was Friday, if only Tom could leave on time one day a week.
Years ago he went beyond pediatrics to care for the frailest of the frail, the premature babies in the NICU. His days were filled with tiny gains and setbacks and joys and sorrows. He was a pediatrician and knew that their lifestyle was not healthy for poor Lily. They had the life of getting home late and compromising fast and convenience for nutrition. He did the best he could in his personal tug of war between his daughter and his patients. He was all his daughter had, but his patients had other doctors and nurses.
He missed his Deanna and felt guilty. Despite being a trained medical doctor, his wife wasn't diagnosed until it was too far gone. Stage four ovarian cancer spread throughout her pelvic region and she quickly slipped away from him and Lily leaving them numb and alone. His love had been his best friend and comforter when he had struggled with the sorrows of his job. She was gone, and it left him with a sorrow that had no comfort.
A year after Deanne passed, he tried to chin up and move on. His brilliant idea was to find a mother for Lily. He hated the thought of dating, but he believed it was necessary. After finding a potential candidate, the relationship evolved quickly, until he woke one morning and felt like a fish who had unwittingly been reeled in. He didn't love her, yet he let her into his bed and Lily's life. That was the day he inquired about his current position.
Lily didn't complain about moving, Tom knew she was glad to be just the two of them again. He was afraid Lily was too sad and lonely to even care to complain. Still, she did when he told her, she couldn't go to the library on Friday afternoons.
He felt mortified when he was so late. The librarian had sat with her. That poor woman had a look that Tom knew only too well. He'd seen it on the faces of his tiny patients' parents and on the face of his own daughter and on his face staring back at him in the mirror. Her eyes were brown like a warm cup of cocoa, but as sad as the emptiness in his heart.
Weekends were for Lily. Hoping to eliminate as many domestic responsibilities as possible, he traded their large oversized home, for a modest townhouse condominium. Even with a house cleaner, there was laundry and food shopping and tidying which they did together on Saturdays. They rewarded their completed chores with a movie or outing. He may feel like a bad Dad all week, but he was a star on the weekend.
He had threatened his limelight after he told Lily, no more library on Fridays. She moped and refused to smile, no matter how hard he tried to make her laugh. She was irritable and cried because they had forgotten to buy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. All the while those sad, cocoa eyes haunted him.
Monday came, and they were back to their crazy life. As a department head, he had meetings and decisions to make besides caring for those tiny babies. At the end of each workday, he picked up his daughter and secretly hoped to get a glimpse of those brown eyes.
On Thursday, he was later than usual. He walked under the arches to the children's section and looked around, but couldn't find Lily. He felt the panic rise as Miss. Brennan pointed to the far corner. She was curled up, deep in a book.
"I'm sorry Lily-kins."
"Hi Daddy. Did you have a bad day?"
He smiled, she had learned that late, typically meant trouble for a baby. "No, we were actually sending a little one home."
"Oh, that's good. We don't need anyone else sad."
"No, we don't. You ready?"
As they were leaving, Lily ran to brown-eyes and hugged her. It broke his heart that she didn't have her own mother to hug.
"Thank you Miss. Evie."
Evie smiled and looked up at him. "I hate for Lily to miss book group. I could, um, I could take her home with me. You can pick her up when you finish work."
It seemed a terrible inconvenience, and he hated relying on others. They did so much of that at first. Before he could say anything, Lily begged. "Can I, can I please, Daddy?"
Relieved to see Lily happy, he asked, "Are you sure?"
He looked right at her taking in her brown eyes which now had a little golden sparkle. "Of course or I wouldn't have suggested it. I live close by."
Lily was so happy she skipped to the car. "Thank you, Daddy. Thank you!"
Tom smiled and Lily talked on and on about Miss. Evie including how Evie's mother had died when she was a girl too. Could that be why she was sad? He hoped not, because he'd hate for his daughter to feel that way for so long.
Friday was another very busy day. By the end, he was tired of meetings and couldn't remember if he ate lunch. When he arrived at Evie's apartment, Lily was eating pizza and he felt awful for imposing further. When he agreed to sit and eat, it was not because he was starving. It was because he was so intrigued by the woman behind those eyes. He hadn't been drawn to anyone since Deanna.
After he started eating, he introduced himself. It was as if he had forgotten all his manners. She was easy to talk to, and he enjoyed the conversation. He missed having an adult to talk to in the evening. It was nice until he unwittingly upset her by telling her he was a neonatologist.
He'd seen too many inconsolable mothers to not recognize the one in front of him. His heart cried for every one of them and more so for Evie, the woman who he'd been thinking about all week. He put his arm around her as she told her story. He felt sadness for her and anger for the man who abandoned her.
He wasn't sure if he was trying to console her or fulfill his own longing, but after he carefully wiped her tears, he kissed her. It felt right, not laced with guilt like when he had been with the wrong woman.
When they parted, he looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I have been having visions of your beautiful brown eyes since last week. I knew there was a reason they looked sad, as if a mirror of my own."
"I think we all have experienced too much sadness." She looked at Lily.
"Lily told me that your mother died, and I thought that was the reason for yours. Now I know it is so much more. I'm sorry," he whispered and without hesitation he kissed her again softly and tenderly. When their lips parted, he kissed her forehead and held his lips there for a long time just taking in her scent.
When Evie pulled him closer, time stood still. He didn't know what the future held, but he hoped that his present would include Evie and he was certain that Lily would be agreeable if it did.
