Underground

36

Estelle
A lot can happen in three months, like how August and I won custody over September in court and were now his guardians, but the thing that stood out the most was Abagail's heart attack.
It was last week, she just collapsed in the middle of training with me and Annaliesee.
It put everyone on edge, and it still does.
My phone buzzes in the pocket of my jeans.
I grab it out of my pocket. It was Logan, all it read was: 'shes gone'
August looks over my shoulder, reading the text that stunned me. "E..." His voice was full of pity.
I let out a sad sigh, my heart heavy. "Abagail's dead."
"I know." He rubs up and down my arm, trying to be as supportive as possible.
I bite my tongue, and purse my lips. I open my phone, and send Logan a text that read: 'okay.'
I shut off my phone and place it on the counter.
"What happened?" September asks.
"Abagail's dead." I repeat, holding back the tears that threatened to spill.
"Oh." He says. "I'm sorry for your loss."
I sigh sadly. "I need some air." I hurry outside, letting the early April breeze tousle my auburn hair.
I look at all the people passing, jogging, walking their dogs, or talking on their phones.
The door behind me opens then closes and a specific fourteen-year-old sits next to me.
"I get it." He says. "I truly understand what you're going through."
"How are you supposed to react when someone that's been there for you just, dies?" I ask the air.
"When my grandma died last year, I paid a kid to beat me up, so I'd feel something." He says. "My dad yelled at me."
"Did it work?" I ask.
"I got beat up, went home, and cried into a pillow." He says. "Yes, it did work."
"So I just pay August to beat me up?" I ask.
"No, that's domestic abuse." He explains.
"What do I do?" I sigh, laying back on the concrete.
"What does she like to do?" He asks.
"She liked to bird watch." I answer.
He pauses. "That is massively underwhelming."
"Well, she did teach me self defense." I say.
"Then become the best fighter you can be." September says. "My grandma handed me down her guitar."
"Well, fighting and music are two different things." I say, blowing out a puff of air.
"Not exactly." He starts "You have to have rhythm, and expect the unexpected at the same time."
"I don't know, September." I tsk.
He lowers his voice. "Are you afraid?"
"No, not at all." I answer.
"Then why not?" He asks.
"I'll think about it." I say, wiping a tear that fell down my cheek.
September purses his lips. "I'll leave you be." Then he was gone.
***
Showing up in black to a cemetery is weirdly normal. I wouldn't know the normal for a cemetery since I've never been to one, but it felt normal.
It was a small ceremony, her family, Nigel, Jane, Logan, Jackson, Annaliesee, and I.
Jackson's hand finds a place on my shoulder. "Are you crying?"
I wipe my face, trying to keep my emotionless shell intact.
"Estelle." Jackson prods.
"What?" I ask croakily.
"Are you alright?" He asks.
I chew my lip before shaking my head.
We watch in silence as one of Abagail's children gives a eulogy, a stoic stonewall masking their features.
"I don't think anyone here is alright." Annaliesee comforts, holding my hand, tears slipping from her eyes.
Then they start to lower her in the ground.
Her children break, clutching eachother sobbing, it was as if they had just realized that they wouldn't see her ever again.
"Don't look at them." Jackson says, gently.
"Remember when you wanted to dissect to me?" I ask.
"Estelle, that was over a year ago." Jackson answers.
"You still wanted me dead." I say. "Do you still?"
"No!" He says enthusiastically.
"I'm sorry." I murmur. "I've never lost someone like this."
"It's just the grief." He says. "You'll get over it."
"Jackson?" I ask.
"Hmm?" He hums.
"I wanna learn how to fight." I murmur.
He nods. "We're going to a new director."
I nod, wiping the tears that finally broke free from my tear ducts.
"It's a funeral, it's literally the most accepting habitat to cry in." Annaliesee says, holding my hand.
She wasn't crying, she didn't know Abagail as well as we did, it wasn't surprising that she witnessed the entire ceremony with dry eyes.
"I'm not going to cry." I murmur. "That would be embarrassing."
"She's dead." She says.
I sigh. "I'm aware."
"Well, cry for her, scream, react to your friend's death in some other way than denial." Annaliesee says, adjusting her circle glasses. "That's how I'd want to be celebrated."
"She's not like you, Annaliesee." I reply. "She wouldn't want us to cry."
"Wouldn't you like people to cry at your funeral?" She asks.
I shake my head. "Not everyone."
"I would cry if you died." She informs, standing up and grabbing her jacket.
I stand also, brushing off my black jeans. "Thanks."
"I'll see you tomorrow." She says, walking off with Logan, Jane, and Nigel.
I give a tight, closed mouth smile, walking out of the cemetery.
***
The second I open the door, August engulfed me in his arms. "It's alright."
"Aug, I'm fine." I say.
"It's okay not to be okay." He murmurs.
"Everybody keeps saying that!" I yell, all of a sudden angry. "I'm okay and no one accepts that!"
"E--" He starts.
"Shut up!" I yell. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
"Hey!" He says.
I start crying, hitting his chest, heaving deep breaths and barreling sobs out.
He just stands there and takes everything, brushing his hands through my hair.
I slump against him, just crying.
He picks me up and takes me to the couch, holding me close.
"I'm sorry." I whisper through sobs.
"No, it's okay." He coos. "It's okay."