Far From Perfect

Prologue

I am far from perfect.

When I look in the mirror, I am reminded of that. I see every single one of my imperfections. It's hard not to when all people have ever done is point them out. Now I just see what everyone else see's, the fat girl.

I loathe looking in the mirror because it reminds me of what I don't want to see. It reflects what I have tried so hard to hide under baggy clothes all these years. No matter how hard I try not to despise the way I look, I can't. Society has taught me to hate who I am.

There are days where I break down in front of the mirror because I can't stand to look at my body that is full of curves in all the wrong places. When I see the stretch marks that mar my stomach, the cellulite that covers the back of my legs and the dimples that cover my round bottom, I feel my heart shatter in two.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that my body was completely different, but no matter how hard I wish, nothing ever changes. I'm still the same fat girl, day in and day out.

What people don't seem to understand is that I could starve myself and I'd still be fat. How do I know? Because I have tried eating less than any person ever should. When you are desperate and want to lose weight to have a "normal" body, you are willing to try anything and everything.

I have tried just about everything there is to lose weight from starving myself, to pills, to fad diets and every diet under the sun you can think of. I have tried it all. But nothing has ever worked. And people still have the heart to judge me and everyone going through this when they don't even know what we're going through.

We all have our struggles and internal battles and I am tired.

I am tired of trying to fight who I am.

I just want to learn to accept me as I am, but it's hard when I have grown up hating the woman I see reflected in the mirror.

I hate her thick legs and larger than average thighs, which so many people have had the audacity to call thunder thighs. Her arms are no different. They are big just like the rest of her.

I hate her so much because I am her.

I hate the way I look, but I know that I am not alone in this. I know there are so many people out there battling this inner war with their self-esteem every single day of their lives. That is what helps keep me going, knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

If there is one thing that I have learned, it's that learning to love yourself for who you are can be one of the most difficult things you ever have to do. Most if not all people are unhappy with their body. Some girls want to be skinnier, while others want to be curvier. Then there are those who want bigger breasts, a perkier butt, nicer hair and some just want thigh gaps. Sadly, I am guilty of wanting many of those things, because I am unhappy with what I have.

I have insecurities that go on for miles and wish every day that I was skinnier and prettier, which isn't really all that surprising in this day and age. What is surprising is finding someone who can love you for who you are, flaws included.

Sounds impossible, right? That's what I thought until I met him.