Me: Uy hi! Kamusta?
Him: We should stop this...
Me: we should stop what?
Him: hindi tayo nagiging fair sa isa't isa, hindi kita nabibigyan ng oras, and alam din natin na hindi tayo magkakilala.
Me: but what u said last month, mga kasinungalingan lang ba 'yon?
Him: No, u should stop thinking what I'd said. We should stop kung anong meron sa'tin.
Me: Noooo
Bakit mo 'to ginagawa?
Him: The last night na hindi kita na-replyan and u said na kalimutan na kita para wala na. I'm sorry.
Me: Napakagago mo... that was a joke. Or you're leaving for something else, ano expired na? wala ng feelings? Nagsawa na? May iba na? May mas better? Bakit mo gagawin 'yun dahil lang ba talaga sa sinabi ko? Mahal mo ba talaga ako? O pampalipas oras lang?
Sadly, wala na kong natanggap ng reply. Naiwan sa ere ang mga katanungan hindi na kalianman masasagot.
Sobrang sakit, bakit kailangang ganito kasakit? He's just a fvcking stranger pero iba ang affection. Because feeling is so strange?
Gabi gabi nalang akong umiiyak at pinagdadasal na sana bumalik siya..
I've chatted him again...
Me: Please, sonn, comeback ily.
Nagmumukha na kong tanga pero wala pa din akong pake. Na-s'seen niya pa rin ang messages ko kaya I made a deal
Me: Ok, kapag hindi ka na talaga nag reply, ok fine kakalimutan na rin talaga kita. Pero pag nag-reply ka pwede bang bumalik ka na??
I know na katangahan ang ginagawa ko, it's obvious na hindi na ko babalikan nito pero hindi, Hindi ako susuko...
Me: I'm giving u 15 minutes. Kapag hindi ka nag-reply within 15 minutes, ok... we'll forget everything...
Malapit ng matapos ang 15 minutes pero wala. Walang reply. Damn it hurts.
Me: I'm still giving u 5 minutes kasi hindi mo pa nababasa. So ok.
Natapos ang 15 and 5 minutes walang nangyare. Walang reply.
Masyado ng masakit. Bakit hindi ako mapahalagahan ng taong minamahal ko? Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at iniyak ang lahat. I've started to make a goodbye message for him, dahil ganun ako katanga.
Me: Ok. Hindi ka nag-reply. Grabe ka namang manakit. Araw-araw mo kong sinasaktan.
For you, my Kuya Jason, thank you for everything. I'll miss you in everything, and I'll love you for everything. I love you for being the man that 'tend to love me. I love you for being there where I needed you the most. (corny, can't help) You know, I'll miss the iloveyou's, imissyou's, goodmornings and goodnights of yours. I'll miss the days and nights spending with you, and also love you for that. Thank you for the happy memories that surely, I'll cherish in everyday of my life. Still hoping that you'll wait for me, love. I always love you, remember that. For now, you'll suddenly hate goodbye's. Goodbye. Thank you for everything, ily, mon soleil.
Then that's I end the conversation, or maybe.
He became my sun unexpectedly, and I love the sun expectedly. The things that I hate before, suddenly became the most thing that I love. Instead of loving moon and nights. I've started to also love the days and sun. Because he taught me to love the things that I didn't love before, just like us. I didn't love him at first but now I am now crazy in love with him. Things went different, right? He is my sun that will always shine up my world, forever. I love him, he is mon soleil.
Love? I'll scratch the word 'love'. I know I'm too young. Kaya mas angkop ang salitang 'special'. Special siya. Hanggang doon na lang.
Malabo. Pagka-mulat palang ng aking mga mata, tila ba'y bumabalik ang sakit na aking nadarama. Bumabalik ang gabing nagtapos ang lahat. Sana kasi hindi ko nalang siya nakilala.
Subalit nilabanan ko ang sarili na magpakain sa sakit, kailangang maging matatag ako. Bumangon ako sa kinahihigaan ko. And I checked my phone. I prepare myself na walang mag-p'pop-up na message from him. But...
Him: Ikaw naman ang may gusto 'non diba? Ang kalimutan ka?
He replied back. I don't know if matutuwa ba ko dahil sa nag-reply siya. Pero ang laman naman nito ay panunumbat. Then why I should be happy? I guess not. Now I realize kung gaano kagago ang isang 'to.
Me: Oh why'd you reply back? Missing me na?
I tried to play cool. Pero ilang minuto lang ang nakalipas. He just read my message and left nothing. A man with his sack of pride.
Me: Dahil nga lang ba sa sinabi ko? O nag-sawa ka na?
Ano? Tell me. Paano mo nakukuhang mag-saya habang alam mong may nasasaktang tao ng dahil sa'yo?
Hindi mo alam. Kasi wala kang pake. Yeah right, wala kang pake.
Him: Pero 'yun 'yung sinabi mo.
Bakit niya kailangang ibalik sa akin ang tanong? Now I realize, wala lang ang lahat. Everything was a lie. Everything that happened was on purpose. I started cryin'. That I hate myself for getting serious in this kind of shit. Na may dadating lang sa'kin na tao na ipapamukha sa'kin na, I'm a worthless. Na may tao nanamang magpapamukha sa akin na ka iwan-iwan lang ako. He broke me. And oh! Okay fine. I broke myself too. Kasalanan ko kung anong nangyayari sa'kin kasi napaka-tanga ko.
Me: If sabihin ko bumalik ka, babalik ka ba?
Dumb right? I let myself na sirain ang sariling ko. I could pity myself dahil sa pagmamaka-awa sa taong kalianman hindi ako gugustuhin.
Him: May isang salita ako
Halos gumuho na ang mundo ka sa mga bawat salitang binibitawan niya. He's cold. He wants to shut me out and so I did.
Me: Goodbye.
Good day!
How foolish I am? Nakuha ko pang sabihin ang word na "good" while I'm on a worst. Why do I feel that I am so weak? ...Why does it feel right? ...Admiting that I'm a weak?
That's how it ends. Finally, the end. Or maybe not.
