The Impossible Miss Blue

Monday, November 18th

Two days later, the boys and I sat on Luke’s L-shaped couch. We were watching some documentary on how Elephants mate. 20 minutes in, however, half of us got bored while the other half just zoned out. I had been the latter.

I had been going back and forth between all of their houses. I was afraid to see my brother again. He’s been trying to contact me a lot, but I didn’t reply or answer. What would he say? Would he get mad at me because I left? “Maybe you should talk to your brother.” Luke said as my phone vibrated loudly on the coffee table; my brother’s caller ID flashed on the screen. I shook my head slowly.

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

Ashton picked up my phone and answered it in one quick moment. I let out a squeak and attempted to grab it, but he was already speaking. “Hello, Lexi’s brother.” I could my brother’s loud voice all the way from my spot. “Where is my sister?” Ashton slightly flinched at the loud voice and everybody listened anxiously. 

“She’s here, but she doesn’t want to talk to you. I had to answer because I don’t really like seeing her like this.” Ashton stood up and started to walk away, but he motioned for me to follow him and I did. We went into Luke’s bedroom and sat on his unmade bed. “Could I please talk to her?” My brother asked through the phone. Ashton looked at me, as if he was asking. I shook my head wearily and he sighed. “I don’t think she’s ready, man. Look, I’ll bring her back tomorrow afternoon,” he ignored my panicked look. “If you yell at her or anything, though, she’ll stay with me for as long as she wants.” I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or not.

“Alright, but honestly, I don’t think I’d allow you to do that anyway.” His response made me sigh.

How many sighs had I made in the past week?—Too many, way too many. Ashton and him exchanged their goodbyes shortly after as I rubbed my eyes. “What the hell, Ash?”

“Ash? Call me Ash more often,” he said cheekily, obviously trying to distract me. I scoffed, “Shut up, Ash.”

The Lion King played on the screen before us and we all watched in horror and Simba’s father died. I heard Luke say something along the lines of, “Those damn movie makers… so evil.” But I was too caught up in my own thoughts to get emotional about that. I wondered what would happen when I walked through the door. Would my brother and I stand there awkwardly? Would we fight even more? Would we have one of those dramatic make-ups like in the movies?

When I stopped my train of thoughts and daydreaming, the boys had started to belt out the lyrics to Hakuna Matata. It made me smile. I wish I didn’t have all these problems. I wish I could have fun like you guys, I thought. Michael stopped singing and turned to me and whispered, “You can, you know.” I reddened, realizing I had said that out loud. Damn it. 

But I did. I did have fun with them. We watched together, sang along together, and laughed together. I hadn’t done anything like this since I was young. I looked over to the clock. 10:17. “Guys, I’m going to have to sleep soon. I have to see my brother tomorrow, and um, I’m really tired.” I said, and as if my inner-self wanted to prove it, I let out this yawn, this huge yawn. Calum, Luke, and Ashton already grabbing the pillows and blankets. Michael sat next to me, typing away at his phone and not acknowledging anything (like much of this generation does). I tapped on his shoulder multiple times before he let out an exasperated what and I slightly retreated. “Sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry. Do you need something?” He asked genuinely, adding a small apologetic smile at the end. “Do you think I can talk to my brother tomorrow?” I asked, but I had no idea why. Why, of all things, did I want to talk about what I was currently dreading? I guess it was just human nature, because he didn’t even question it for a second. “Of course you can.” He reassured, his attention no longer on the phone. I let out yet another sigh. I bet that’s going to become a habit soon. “Well, I guess I know that. I know that I can, but I just.” I stopped my sentence there. I just—what?

“Look, you’re stable enough, if that’s what you’re trying to say. You seem like one of the strongest girls I have ever met. You’re making yourself think it will be harder than it will actually be.”

I laughed, “I know how to keep my shit together.”

The L-shaped couch had layers of blankets and had pillow barriers. It was strange. Luke and Calum had cuddled up in the corner, where a teddy bear was put. I was laying with my head on Ashton’s chest and my legs on top of Michael’s. We were out like a light as soon as we laid down.

 

I woke up to a smell. A certain smell.

The smell of bacon.

“Holy crap, is that bacon?” I asked quickly, already in the kitchen. Calum and Michael were across from me. Calum sat on the counter and watched as Michael cooked. I joined him as they nodded. My mouth watered at the smell. My stomach growled. Had we skipped dinner last night? “So, Lexi, we were thinking about taking you home after breakfast.” Michael explained, placing a few pieces of bacon on a humongous plate. My stomach stopped growling, churning instead. I had completely forgotten about that. Calum noticed and laid a hand on my shoulder, sending me comforting smile. I sent him a fake smile, hoping it masked my true anxiety. Thank God Ashton wasn’t here; he always seems to know when I’m lying or something. Wait. “Where are Luke and Ash?” I questioned as he handed me the plate of wonderful-smelling food.

“Ash? You can call him Ash?” He asked, eyes wider than normal. I furrowed my eyebrows. “Um, yeah. He told me he liked it when I accidentally called him that.” I recalled. Why did that matter right now? “He never lets us call him that! Yet he can call me Cal?—th-that butthead!” Calum argued, mainly to himself, before grabbing a piece of bacon. “It’s true,” Michael added. “He told us that he hated being called that.” 

I was about to speak, but Ashton came in, obnoxiously shouting about some “hilarious” video. In a towel.

 

So he had been in the shower, I told myself. Michael had never answered my question. Luke soon followed, carrying what must have been his laptop. It was a Mac Book Air. With stick figures drawn on it with sharpie! Who the heck does that to something so expensive? “Hey, guys, you have got to see this!”

It ended up being some stupid video of a dog humping a pole in the middle of a busy town. How boys found that entertaining, the world would never know. It was even more stupid that I wasted my time watching it because by the time it was done, breakfast was cold. I ate it anyway, though.

“Lexi, are you ready to go?” Ashton asked, breaking the comfortable silence that had taken place after all the food was gone. I only nodded, not trusting my mouth. “I’m going to change; you should wait in my car. It’ll only be a minute.” He said as we both stood up from the table. Michael was tapping away at his phone screen again and the other boys were having a conversation about something—I didn’t know. I wasn’t listening. I was only focusing on my feet and they seemed to move on their own, dragging me to the car. The death trap.