One Shots

Self Pity

Do you ever just want to go away? To just sleep for ever and never wake up? To die?

I've laid in bed so many times just staring up at the ceiling wondering why I felt the way I did. I hate my life yet it seems so amazing.

I have parents and friends who claim they love me. A family big enough to fill a small country. Although we may not live in the best area in the world, I'm okay with it.

Shit. I'm okay with everything!

Ever since eight grade I've had to pay for everything I wanted. I used to think it was because my parents wanted me to be independent but it might also be because they can't afford it.

When I stare at my ceiling I wish for things. Someone to love and who'll have the same amount of love for me. Someone I can call my person and someone who'll call me theirs. Desires I long for. I wish for a better family.

Despite how amazing it looks from the outside and how fun it is being in the inside, it sometimes feels like nobody sees you. Lately it feels like I'm not even myself.

A couple months ago I felt like your average smiley person. A smiley person who likes to cover every emotion they have except for anger and joy. If you ask me I'll deny it and for a few hours I might even believe myself.

But deep down I know exactly why.

A couple days ago I told one of my self conscious friends that I didn't care what people think. Part of it is true and I'll always stick by this saying:

If you have a problem with me, it's your problem not mine.

He asked me if I was scared, doing my presentation. I told him no and repeated the saying.

It is true that I don't care what other people think of me but I do care about what the people I'm close to think of me. If you haven't guessed I have pretty serious trust issues.

In public I'll make friends and go out with them, do a bunch of stupid things and shit, but when it comes to family it's like I'm suffocating.

They tell me what's best for me and I understand that they might be right but there are some things that I just don't want to do. I'll work hard to get where I want to be but as of right now, in high school, I don't exactly know where that is.

They tell me that they love me but it doesn't show at all. They say that it'll be fun that I'm growing up too fast but then say that I'm being too much like a child.

I don't treat them well and I know it. I fucking know it yet I feel like I'm the victim.

They tell me that I'll understand soon. That whenever they yell at me, make me cry, throw things at me it was for a reason. To "teach me a lesson" because I "can't learn any other way".

But today's the day. Today's the day that I finally do it.

They tell you that people who do these things do it out of depression because they don't feel anything. I was never diagnosed, never needed to be.

If depression meant you didn't feel anything I didn't have it.

If anything I felt too much. I felt everything.

I felt my emotions to ones of the opposite gender in a book. I feel their pain and it hurts me physically and mentally. When they describe a pang in their chest I feel the pang.

It sucks too because I'm sitting here writing my goodbye letter and it sounds a lot like self pity. It mostly is, to be honest.