taciturn | hwang hyunjin

v.

f i v e.

yesul's mind immediately went absent right after those words came out from his mouth, she did not realize she already had reached her street while spacing out. she never knew a simple i'm sorry was enough to make her so preoccupied by her thoughts.

she didn't even remember how she responded to his apology. and why did he apologize? yesul furrowed her eyebrows, thinking hard on what she had said to him before blasting out of the coffee shop.

"u-uhm, it's alright, i guess?" it was a statement that she herself wasn't even sure of. yesul pressed both of her palms on her cheeks and silently squealed. "oh my god i swear i'm not talking to that guy anymore."

just when she was about to enter her home, the gate swung open, revealing someone that almost surprised her. almost. the distort written on her face immediately dropped into a slight frown.

"yesul, you're home!" the young man across her beamed brightly like sunshine and any person would say it was contagious. not wanting to upset the fragile boy, yesul responded a small smile, yet forced.

"i am, minho. i am." her reply was brief, weak, and indifferent but it did not falter his demeanor. she walked past him and entered the gate but eventually stopped when something tingled inside her chest. she called it conscience.

she shifted her body to face her two-year older brother, who was slowly pushing the gate to close. when he saw her looking at him, he smiled again. now, it just even made yesul's heart sink deeper. just how? how could he be one the reasons for her grudge and resentment?

"where are you heading to?" she asked.

"hmm just around the village to take a stroll." he replied with his infamous smile and yesul had nothing to say but a mere 'ah, okay.'

she dashed towards her room and plunged into her bed. she stayed still and after few moments, she proceeded to scream nonstop on the cushion to release all her frustration. that way, she thought that if disdain was all she had left in her, then maybe it might have been better than to feel nothing.

but if to live is to become a monster, then wouldn't it be best to just die and not exist at all?

yesul was confused on what to feel, what to show and what to become. she was stuck in between greed and selflessness. in between what she wanted and what she needed to be.

she stood up, her face was a hurricane, a mess. yet not a single tear could be seen, because all this overloading and conflicting emotions just lead her to nowhere, to numbness. to emptiness. and she hated to admit that she fucked herself up.

her eyes trailed over the polaroids that hanged on her wall. it was her and minho, two years ago during her bithday. they were smiling together with their signature 'v' pose and his left arm was around her shoulders. their lips were of similar shape, so were the sparkle in their eyes.

it was the time when minho secretly bought a cake for her and lied that their parents went to a business trip while he had a sleepover at his friend's house. too bad his acting was a flop, she had found out about the surprise before he could even manage to leave her dumbdounded.

yet she was more than pleased. she was more than grateful to witness his large efforts just so he could show his brotherly love to her. she was more than blessed and happy.

yet those happiness from the past were now nothing but anguish to her.

"minho, you look so tragic. are you okay?" his winsome smile was enough for her to trust. his lips and eyesmile were good liars and she was so dumb and blind to not see. their bond seemed impossibly deep but she failed to see his vitality shatter one by one.

until one day, she just found him inside his bathroom, dying. overdosed. and god knew how she almost went haywire just by the thought of losing her beloved brother.

she remembered how she broke down and repeatedly apologized in front of him the moment his eyes fluttered open in the hospital. she knew she shouldn't have doubted the sadness that lingered his eyes when he's of silence. she knew she should have known better. and she knew she should have comforted him.

she partly blamed her parents for his attempted suicide. it was all their fault. they were the one who gave him so much pressure into something he already was and they were the one who focused on criticizing and perfecting his flaws just so he could ace his abilities.

and right now, she felt pathetic. because ever since that incident happened, her parents changed. they started supporting him with his dreams, made sure he was eating well all the time and would confirm that he had no resentment felt towards them. the attention and love were all on him, like he was their only child. it must've felt fucking good.

yesul paced around the room, trying to find things that might enlighten her, things that might busy her so she wouldn't have any time to feel stuffy and empty at the same time.

she opened her drawer and there, she found a picture she reckoned must be taken around six years ago. it was a class picture during her elementary days, when they went to a field trip. scrutinizing each child in the picture, she found someone familiar that stood out amongst them.

hwang hyunjin.

he was smiling brightly and it accentuated his crescentic eyes. he was so exuberant back then, far different from the hyunjin she came to encounter right now. now, that just made yesul smile bitterly. because despite denying and acting apathetic, she has always known.

"hwang hyunjin, i wonder what messed you up too."

—

hello hi! im actually excited for the next chapter hehehez but dont expect anything lol.

anyway, if i defined yesul as a girl with similar lips and eyes as minho then i'd probably bow down to her beauty if she existed irl.