Amor Fati

Chapter 1: Me Without You

It has only been a month since he left. Since he left her, alone, without a trace of regret. No one knew exactly why he left so abruptly. Although, that did not exclude rumors. Some say that it was his parents, driving him into insanity, forcing him to do their bidding. Others say that he finally became the scum they all knew he was, joining the filthy death eaters in their attempt to revive their resistance and finding he was in over his head. Then there is the one that made her want to climb further into herself, making her sick to her stomach. That he didn't care, that no one could ever make him care, walking through empty halls, hallow inside and seeing no point in all of this, the second chance given to him. So he just left, without even saying goodbye.

"Hermione, you can't stay in there forever." Harry murmured unsteadily behind a locked door, his voice laced with exhaustion.

Hermione stayed huddled in a ball, not uttering a word as she stared out of the window on that wintry night, her cheeks damp with tears she did not know were there and her hair unkept, mangled in her face. She should probably have something more on than the baggy button up, filling her senses with his scent, and a pair of old shorts she grabbed from the top of her trunk, no fire to keep her warm. But her mind kept flooding with images of him, his smile, the light glow in his eyes when he would reach for her hand, the warmth of his body when he held her close, so she didn't care.

"Please, Hermione." Harry pleaded.

He had been visiting her constantly since he found out what happened, finally understanding why she seemed so dead inside all of a sudden. He only wished he came back sooner, found out before it all had happened. But most of all, he wished he had not been so selfish. Taking advantage of their friendship, only thinking about himself when she was clearly struggling more than him.

Nothing, again.

"Hermione, I have been respecting your privacy up 'till now, but you cannot keep ignoring me like this. Wallowing in your room will not make him come back, he made his choice to leave and I'm sorry, but that included you." He states without knowing, sleep deprivation beginning to consume his thoughts, clouding his judgement.

"Shut up!" She finally snapped, "That's not true, he would never just leave me, would he?" She whispered to herself, not wanting to believe that his choice was to leave everyone, including her.

Harry perks up slightly at the sound of her voice, something he has not heard for quite a while.

This is what gets her to talk? Anger and frustration? Depression and denial? He thought to himself.

"But it's true," He continued, baiting her on, just wanting to hear her voice for a little longer, even if it meant hurting her. Forcing her to feel something again, forcing her to open up again. "If he truly cared, don't you think he would have told you about it? If he cared, don't you think he would have stayed?" He claimed, energy beginning to come back.

"No!" She screamed, "Shut up! He had his reasons, I know he did!" She claimed, even though they could both hear the doubt in her voice.

"Come on, Mione. Just open up," He muttered softly through the door, his hand already on the handle. "Open the door."

But there came the silence, the heart-wrenching silence he had been hearing for weeks.

---

The only time she would leave her room on her own accord would be at midnight, when all students were supposed to be safely tucked away in their beds, not roaming the halls and facing expulsion. Although, McGonagal never let that happen to her, she would simply keep an eye out, making sure that food would be placed where she would always be found at that moonlit hour.