I Hate My Body

why do i do this

I bet you're wondering why I do this stuff to myself, right? Well besides the fact that I hate myself, and my body, I just feel like every time I hear someone talking about me, I think they're talking about how bad I look. Or how fat I am. Or how I can't get any one that actually likes me, to care about me. 

I know I've never been told to kill myself, but I feel like when people are talking about me, that's one thing they seem to say about me. I almost didn't eat yesterday, because I had my second anxiety attack this week. But back to the people talking about me.

I feel like everyone I call my friends, actually don't care about me. Maybe they just 'care' about me because I'm always sad. I don't want to tell my boyfriend how sad I am, because being around him, or just talking to him makes me a little more happier. 

But what if I were to tell him how sad I actually am..? What would he say? What would he think of me? Would he look at me differently? Would he not want me anymore...? How do you tell someone you love with all your heart, the one person you care so much about, that you want to kill yourself..? How do you tell that person that you don't want to be alive anymore? How do you tell the friends you care about these same things? What would they say? 

These exact reasons are the reasons I don't eat. I'm always over thinking everything.