With or without you

Chapter 13

My mind couldn't assimilate what I had seen. Maybe I had done something wrong, maybe I wasn't pleasing him.. Or maybe he was just a player and I was nothing else than a game. I was torn between sadness and anger, I wanted to cry and scream. I wanted to punch him hard, I had given myself to him with a blind faith. Stupid girl. I went home, sobbing hard. "Esther?!" My mom got up from the couch and looked at me in silence. "Are you okay..?" I walked to her and threw my arms around her body. She stayed silent and held me tight. I hadn't hugged my mom in months, maybe years. I just needed to be held.. We kept hugging for some minutes until I let her go and went to my room. I took the drawing off the ceiling and ripped it in small pieces. I put my face in my pillow and screamed as loud as I could "I HATE YOU, FUCKING ASSHOLE". I cried a lot that night, until I eventually passed out. I woke up the next day with nausea. Stayed in bed all day, surprised that my parents hadn't told me to go downstairs. Maybe my mom had told my father that I was sick. She can be nice, you know. I think she just follows his orders, I bet she's as afraid of him as I am. But now isn't the moment to talk about my parents' marriage. Now was the perfect time for sad movies and a box of chocolates, but I had none of that. I just had my eyes to cry. I remember the girl with him last night, she didn't understand what was happening, I saw the incomprehension in her eyes. I wonder if that's what she saw in my eyes too..
Monday, 8am, I was walking to school with my hands in my pockets and staring at my feet. I didn't want to get up, told my mom I was sick but it failed of course. Suddenly, black boots appeared in my field of view and I lifted my head. Blue eyes were now staring at me. I took a deep breath and continued to walk. "Esther.." he followed me and I ignored him. "Let me explain!" I walked faster and he grabbed my arm. I turned around to look at him silently. "I can explain" he said. I took off his hand and kept on walking. "Esther please.. Just listen, then you can leave". I sat on a bench and looked at him, he sat next to me and started to talk. "The girl you saw.. she's Ali, my girlfriend. She stayed in Dublin while I'm on tour and she made me a surprise and came to visit me here.. The thing is, we've been together for 11 years, and the passion isn't the same anymore. I just needed something else, and you appeared.. I truly love you, Esther. I didn't use you or anything. I just need to tell Ali that I want to break up, but I don't want to hurt her, and I'm sorry I hurt you.. You're not obliged to forgive me, but I really love you". I didn't know what to answer, maybe he was lying. But he seemed sincere.. I slowly took his hand. "You need to tell her the truth, you can't keep lying to her because she'll be even more hurt. Do you understand, Bono?". He looked down, "I will, I promise" he kissed my hand and I got up. "I'll be late, see you.." and I left.