Gotta Love Life

The Cock Man

Damn it why does my food keep going missing?! I feel like I'm literally throwing money away for no reason! Ugh I feel so drained right now I'm just gonna head to bed.
(Next morning)
" AAAHHHH!!!"
What the hell is wrong with you?!
"IT HAPPENED AGAIN!"
What??
"MY DICK! THEY PUNCHED MY DICK!"
In the middle of the night though.... We don't even live in that kind of neighborhood anymore... I think.
"Call..9..1...1."
Ugh they get tired of dealing with your ass.
(Dialing)
Hello 911, yep it happened again, no he didn't go outside, yup in his sleep, ok thanks. They're on their way so just laid there, not that you had a choice anyway.
"Fuck....you..."
Now my show about to come on so I better find out what time it is so I don't miss it. Lets see where did I put that watch? 

(10 minutes later)

What the hell! Now my watch is missing too?! Ok now i'm convinced that we're being robbed but how? I guess its time to check this house out completely from top to bottom. 

(5 minutes later)

Nothing here, nothing there, no sign of lock picking. Hmm... How were we able to get attacked and robbed?
(Smacking noise)
Is that.....
(Smacking noise)
Someone is smacking in this house besides me and dick head. It sounds like its coming from....below?  Or to be more specific under my bed.  I pushed my bed over to discover a small hole that wasn't there the first time I came in here. I could hear all kinds of weird noises coming from deep down. The black in me was telling me fuck no but I couldn't just let this thing just do what it wants. Oh btw I'm Chinese, African, cocasion american. Yea I'm pretty much everything except Hispanics my family was always afraid of Hispanic woman. Anyway if i'm going down there i'm gonna need to prepare for the journey.
(Grabs flashlight)
(Grabs kitchen knife)
(Grabs cell phone)
Ok I'm ready! Hm I can feel a ladder against the edges. How deep is this thing?! ... I wanna make a joke about what I just said but it wouldn't sound right. Welp here goes nothing.
(Climbs down ladder)
Wow, this is unbelievably huge. (FC: that's what she said. Finally I made that joke!)  Strange I kinda expected several tunnels not just one big one. Well it makes my life easier so I don't care, but what the hell made this cave? 
(smacking noise)
Again with the smacking?! Well it doesn't sound that far away from... Is that my watch? I've been looking for this an.... A trail of cookie crumbs... Must have been from my missing cookies. That son of bitch has just been snacking on all my snacks!
When I get my hands on the bastard I'm gonna strangle him over and over again!
(Sniff Sniff)
I smell Coco wells.... Someone is sitting in that ragedy chair up ahead. I got you now you thieving bast... What the fuck are you??!!
GOBLIN: Uh.... A goblin....
CODY: What the fuck are you doing in my house?!
Goblin: Not really in your house, just under a part that was built over.
CODY: What???
GOBLIN: Yea did you ever wonder why there was no room directly under the stairs?
CODY: Ok fuck all that my real question is who are you and why are you here?!
GOBLIN: Um my name is Jeffrey.
CODY: .....
JEFFERY: I just chill here eating snacks and sleeping. I once had a family but I think they're dead or something...
CODY: Are you the one who's been punching me in the dick while I'm sleeping?!
JEFFERY: WHAT? No homo, that shit is gay as fuck.
CODY: If not you then who?
JEFFERY: ... It must be him.... Cock Man... Fuck I gotta hide!
CODY: Like hell you are, if you don't help me stop him I'll throw your ass out in the open for him.
JEFFERY: NOOO, plz don't! Look all I know is he's some mysterious guy who punches guys in the dick and violates women at night. He's pure evil and no one knows how he gets away with it. I almost got caught by him when I snuck out to grab food one night. I never been more terrified than hungry since that night.
CODY: So me and old shit already been struck which means its a possibility he's gonna strike that cute neighbor girl next. I CANT LET HIM TOUCH THOSE MELONS BEFORE ME!
JEFFERY: Um...what..
CODY: We have to stop him! If we do I won't call the cops and I'll let you continue to live here.
JEFFREY: Well I guess I don't have a choice. But before we start, do you have any snacks?
(Pulls out knife)
JEFFREY: Neever mind.
So it seems he attacks once every night or at least that's what it looks like. Damn that means we only have a day to think of something. Hmm maybe if we had a decoy set up or possibly some bait....(Looks at Jeffrey)
JEFFERY:... Oh god no, anything else besides that!
Hmm...This will take time...
(Phone rings)
Oh the hospital?
CORY: Hello.
NURSE: Hey Cory its me, your dad seems to be fine for the most part but he lost one of his testies and we can't seem to find it. As a of result of this he won't be coming home for awhile but I'm sure your used to this by now.
CORY: Unfournately I am.
NURSE: Well he'll be back some time within in the next couple weeks. Luckily he was wearing his cup so not too much damage was sustained.
CODY: I guess that's good.
NURSE: Yea so dont worry about him having another extended vacation. Bye.
Welp I suppose I have the house to myself for a couple weeks, but I only have 24 hours to act. Ugh why did I have to fall for that as.. I mean her at first sight. Damn this is stressful, I hope its worth it.