three step plan - fillie

13. what she will be here for

millie

i stretch out on my bed, like a starfish. a note from joe lies on my dresser, telling me to eat breakfast at the buffet later. i mentally note to thank him, but im planning on going out with finn again. twenty questions and a meteor shower hang out doesnt seem like entirely entitling you to know someone.

i feel good today. i take a hot shower, letting the water burn on my skin, then dress into something nice for once. after last night, i find myself pretty conscious in front of finn. i take a denim skirt that lies right on my knees and a pink rayon blouse that matches it perfectly.

crossing my legs, i take a granola bar as i get my phone and type a message to finn. "wanna hang out get some breakfast?"

i lock my phone when he doesnt reply yet. i lie down, ripping the plastic packaging of the granola bar and stuffing a bite in my mouth.

a sudden thought enters my mind. theres so much i dont know about finn.

he's 17, that i know. perfect age for a junior. and it isnt even summer. doesnt he go to school?

what about his parents? i know his "nah" last night was a bluff. he stopped in his tracks, he paused. finn walks with confidence, with this cape of somewhat pride, but the look on his face upon mentioning the topic seemed downcast. wrong.

im asking him today, i tell myself. i told him everything about my parents, about sadie - the whole talk last night was all about me!

my phone tings! making me sit up as i crumple the empty plastic and throw it in the trash can. i miss, but i dont mind it because im stupefied by finns reply.

'i cant. i got some errands to run. and i think it's be better if we stop meeting for now. best if we even stop this whole thing?'

i call his number.

after 5 rings - as i was about to give up - he answers the phone. "hello?" i say softly, my hands reaching up to my lip as my fingers start peeling around my chapped lips.

"millie, wasnt the context of my message clear enough?" he sounds exasperated. tired.

"i dont get it," i say. "you and i were starting off so good," i continue. "your interest in this was equated with mine." i close my eyes. "what happened?"

"something that awakaned me i dont have time to do this."

"whats that something, then?" i ask, my voice challenging him to answer. "tell me so i can understand. so i can help."

theres a silence over the phone.

"meet me at the park by lucky's at 1. make sure you've eaten lunch."

;

"you look different," finn says, cocking his head by the left, analyzing me carefully.

"hm?" i bat my eyelashes, which i applied clear mascara on, in hopes of accentuating my lashes. i even put lip gloss! something i do rarely.

"your get-up," he points out.

"i wanted to try something new today."

"it isnt that girly enough," he says. "but its a step close, i guess."

the dullness returns on his face, like a cloud. "look, i know we didnt meet here to talk about my make up and my skirt. so can we please talk about the sudden change of heart?"

he avoids my eyes as his fingers play with the hem of his black shirt. "something you dont need to know. i came here to officially end these things between us. its stupid, and it wont go anywhere." he exhales, letting out an exhausted breath. "im tired, i dont have time for this. good luck in getting romeo back, and-" he stops short as he stands up from the wooden bench.

my hand reaches out to his arm, coiling my fingertips around the flesh that covers his wrist. "stop keeping it all inside," i whisper. "i know somethings wrong with you."

"i want to keep it all inside. its better safe here than out in the open."

"getting it out doesnt always have to mean making it public," i reply. "even just expressing how you feel to even just one person - it makes the difference."

he stops, then slowly, sits back beside me. "do you - " he stops, licking his lips then chewing on the bottom pinkness afterwards. "do you vow to keep this a secret?" his voice is low, and slow, every syllable expressed with conviction melting.

"of course, finn." i reply.

"im serious, millie."

"so am i."

"ok, prepare yourself for a shock," hos shoulders shake tremendously. "when i was.." he pauses again, swallowing. "when i was 8, my mom and my dad got divorced. mom got full custody over me, and nick by my dad. but nick, he.." tears formulate in his eyes, glimmering. "he got into a coma. his car crashed, and dad died with him. mom got depressed when nick died that night. she developed a mental illness.." his voice cracks. "she got schezophrenic. sometimes, she's gentle with me in all the possible ways. 5 minutes later she can be pressing a knife against my throat."

im speechless. i think of all the possible ways i can say something, anything, to comfort him, but nothing processes properly in my head.

"my mom blames me sometimes," he says. "when her illness takes over her mouth. nick and my dad were on the way to pick me up for a baseball game."

my hands reach to his face, to cup his cheeks. it feels somewhat awkward, but it feels right. like my touch on his is something meant to be.

"im here." i say with firmness. "we arent close, to begin with, really. but i dont care. im here, i will be here. pushing me away, it wont help. because still, i will be here."

our faces are so close. one inch and i might connect my lips with his.

a tear rolls down his cheek before i feel his soft, supple lips on mine. its warm. my stomach ties into knots and butterflies flutter around. i feel airy. my head feels light. i dont know what im doing when i kiss back, inhaling him just as he is doing to me.

then he disconnects from me, my palms still on his face. they drop like a rag doll on his lap. i feel the denim of his jeans smooth, creating patterns with the lines on my palm.

"im sorry," he breathes. "i didnt know why i plunged in - "

i stand up, coughing. "its fine." i avoid his eyes.

"just please, think about leaving this whole plan over." i say, shifting the topic. i still cant feel my face.

"im here finn. i hope you'll be there for me too." i hear myself say, and i cant even process the look on his face or the kids playing by the merry go round, or the lines on my palm that are stinging with longing to touch his face again, before i walk away.

should be doing my english homework but nah