Rollercoaster

Chapter 4

I was courageous enough to go on my own to the hospital but I needed someone here with me, I wasn't feeling up to hearing the news alone. After waiting a couple of minutes after the mammogram was taken, I got news that the images were complete and the consultant asked if I had anyone with me and I told him no, where he then said I had to get a biopsy done which is a removal of abnormal tissue for a microscopic analysis for further identification for the cause of my pain.

I had the biopsy done on the 17th July 2009, and I attended with my mother, sister Selcan and my husband. I felt sorry for them because they had to watch me go through all of this. Them also knowing they can't do anything to help me other than the doctors.

The biopsy is a procedure that involves removing or getting a small sample of body tissue and sending it off for a closer examination. They only take the sample from areas which are close to regions the doctor is concerned about.

There are various procedures of getting samples, however mine was a needle biopsy, this was done to the area of my left breast where they inserted a hollow needle made specifically for this job, it can be done with x-rays, ultrasounds, MRI scans and a CT scan. After taking the sample of tissue they sent it off for observations. I felt that this was the worst part through my whole journey it was like a torture device. I was awake the whole time and watched a needle go in and out of the area of my left breast it was truly and utterly revolting. However, it can vary for people as they apply an anaesthetic but the pain all depends on where the biopsy is being taken.

The other type of getting the samples are:

A punch biopsy this is where a special device punches a small hole into your skin for any skin conditions. An excision biopsy is done with surgery which may need a larger section of tissue removed as they want to be much clearer with the observation. This tissue can be taken from the stomach. Lastly a perioperative biopsy is done with the patients consent to perform during surgery, the surgeon can take a quick sample from the affected area and this is a guideline for the surgeon or for further treatment to continue.

When I entered the room I was sat on a chair and I had to take my top off and my bra, then I was clamped in the machine and the doctor injected my breast with an anaesthetic and whilst the biopsy was in the process I was in so much pain, when I let the doctors know I was in pain they gave me more anaesthetics to reduce the pain. I put all my thoughts onto my children and tried not to feel the pain.

After they had sent my tissue to get examined, I had to go back on the 31st of July 2009 after 2 weeks to get my results.

On the 30th of July 2009 my children and mother went on holiday to North Cyprus and tomorrow was the day that I get the results back from the biopsy. I'm already missing my children not a little but a lot. I can't stop thinking about them, all I want is for them to be next to me. I love them both just as much as one another.

My girl is so special to me, she has made my life complete with my husband Mus. My son was another bundle of happiness. I know that if anything was to happen my daughter will help my son all the time because she is a clever smart princess. My son will listen to my daughter and have respect for her as I have taught them and their father my loving husband will take care of my babies, his a caring, gentle man and has been with me through thick and thin from my Arthritis he has gave me courage to be the woman I am today. I feel sorry for making him go through this stress again, however this time its about life and death and this makes it 100 times worse. I didn't think I'd ever say this but I'm scared for the results I don't think I can face it...

Today is the 31st of July 2009. Today was the day that I had to see the consultant, I attended with my husband Mustafa and my eldest sister Selcan.

The nurse called us in to see the consultant, after we took our seats he went straight to the point. He said, "I'm sorry Sevdim, however you have developed cancer on the left side of your breast and it is currently the size of an egg and I need to remove it as soon as possible."

My breathing stopped and all I could hear was my own heart beating. Hammering in my chest through my veins.

The next thing I know when I pry my eyes open, I'm lying on the doctor's bed and my husband is holding my hand and the consultant looking down at me with anxious face. I had collapsed in my own chair, so they had to lay me on the bed. After asking if I was Okay and drinking water which comforted my throat as it felt parched. The consultant reassured me that everything was going to be okay. If I was to do the operation in 2 weeks, he could save my life. But the only thing that would change is that I would be left with only one breast. As he would be performing a mastectomy.

This is removing the lymph nodes under my arm and my whole left breast getting removed, so that I got rid of the disease and give protection to other areas of my body.

When I came around to myself, I told the consultant I had plans for my son's circumcision party in North Cyprus and that both my kids were there already and both my parents, and that I couldn't miss out on it as I had paid for everything already. I had told him if I could get the operation done on the 9th of September 2009 as it was my granddads anniversary and he had meant the whole world to me and it was the day he passed away. He confirmed the date and told me not to worry.

So as planned, me and my husband went to surprise my children on the 18th of August to North Cyprus. Where we done the circumcision party for my son, however before the party I had to tell the kids which was hard for me to do as my son Mertaltay was only 4 and my daughter Altinnermin 9, and I felt that my daughter would get impacted the most as she was older. And I was right.

Altinnermin' s P.O.V:

Dear diary,

My mummy and daddy gave me and my baby brother Mert a surprise!

Me and Mert was sleeping and during the middle of the night I felt someone hugging me and I thought it was Anne Anne (grandma) at first, so I slowly opened my eyes as the light was on and rubbed my eyes. But then as soon as my eyes gained focus, I saw my parents in front of me and I was shocked, my brother also woke up at the same time. He was gobsmacked, his mouth as wide as a goldfish. We were both so happy, that we hugged each of them like our lives depended on it. My brother started crying because of how much shock he was in. Then my mummy told us both that if we go sleep now that we can go to the Deniz which is known as the beach, that is exactly what we done.

The next morning, we woke up to see both our parents fast asleep in the opposite bedroom. We let them sleep and got changed into our swimming costume and waited patiently. I was so happy.

When my parents woke up, we had breakfast together. We got ready and went to the beach. We swam, we played and after a while got tired so we ended up making sandcastles. And my mummy and daddy also helped us. After a few minutes I heard sniffling and looked up to see my mum with tears rolling down her face like rolling pins in bowling hitting the sand with a lot of force. My eyes met hers and I was lost. She looked up as if she was praying to Allah and then back down at us. I looked at her questioningly and she spoke.

"Mummy's going to go through a big surgery and the doctors are going to get rid of a lump which is in mummy's breast. They told me that I have a bad condition which is called cancer and I want you both to know what ever happens I will always love you both and nothing will happen to me, we have to be strong."

My breathing stopped completely. I was frozen. Completely trapped. My brain couldn't function properly. As soon as we got home, I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom. It was my only escape from the truth.