Rollercoaster

Chapter 6

Coming back was dreadful, the real deal was about to start when my feet touch the concrete as I get off the plane, my whole life would be flipped. A life which I would never feel the same but as an outcast.

The differences that I would face all pilling up like dishes. All the changes I had to overcome as an individual. For instance, my husband only seeing half of my chest, I know he loves me, but will I be enough for him anymore?

Will he get tired of me and all my issues arising?

Will I be what he still wants?

I will be going through depression and I simply won't be the same Sevdim anymore. I don't want to pull him down aswell, all of this was in my head on the aeroplane and it was all getting too much. I was thinking the worst and I hate to admit it but when people say everything will be okay it really doesn't help, you simply can't think positively.

All the thoughts feed on your brain and stains it like blood. Imagine a vampire sucking out all your blood then losing your balance as you get lightheaded and you don't fight it anymore, you just accept fate.

The worst ever feeling was the clippers gliding against my head removing my hair and feeling less and less heavy all due to the Chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is a drug that is used to fight off the Cancer that is present. It is also used to cure any disease aswell. The drug can be given as tablets or by injections or infusion this is where it is inserted into the vein by a central line. Chemotherapy is usually given as one dose a week for however many weeks they recommend you. However, it is usually once every week for 21 days. 

Chemotherapy however had a lot of effects on me from losing my hair due to the drugs used inside of it. However, it is a temporary problem and after your treatment all your hair should come through even if it is a different texture or colour. Other effects are fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea and vomiting, bone marrow suppression as their may be a lack of red blood cells. Infertility, organ toxicity and extravasation. 

My hair consisted of brown curly like telephone wires, they had been with me throughout my life and now I had to get rid of it all as they were slowly falling out chunk by chunk. All my loving memories I had from my childhood to when all the family got together every Saturday at my mothers and fathers house. To when my aunt and my cousins stayed around till Sunday evening. To my holidays to North Cyprus to where my uncle and aunties and cousins lived. My biggest uncle was my idol, the man who supported me through my life, like I was his own child every day. When he heard the news, no words could be heard through the gap between his lips.

My grandmother was in a state where all she could say was "No, it can't be true. Aman Allahim (Oh My God)."

It came to a stage where she asked Allah to give whatever I had to her too have it in my place. She couldn't stop crying. Every day I went around her house was another slice through my heart. Seeing her like this was the last thing on the planet that I wanted to see. All the years that she took care of me, ever since I was born. She was my mother and I stayed with her in North Cyprus for 7 years when I came back I started school in the UK and because I was speaking fluent Turkish there I had no clue how to speak English, so I found it the hardest to fit in.

She took me as her own child as my mother had my elder sister and twins. And she found it very difficult to cope. So, my grandma wanted to help. I had such a strong bond with my grandma, she was the most confident, brave beautiful woman I knew. My inspiration as a lady. I am still to this day very grateful for her help, may she Rest in Peace. She died 5 months after receiving good news and she died happily knowing that I had gone through the evil like a queen bee. She also got to see my children very happy.

My youngest Aunt Hatice, also got told the news by me. She also had breast cancer a year before me and I saw how she was myself however hers was a partial area on her breast, so she only had the area which was affected, and it was only grade 1, which also meant the tumour was only 20 millimetres in size or even smaller. Meaning less than an inch. When she had her therapy, I was there supporting her and visiting her to give her reassurance. But then my news came like a firework and she also started crying at first and gave me the support I gave her. She tried giving me advice however because hers and mine was completely different it wasn't the same.

My eldest sister Selcan, was there on the day I received the news and her face portrayed the scream painting. She turnt white like a sheet of paper, her eyes wide. All the waterworks happened after that she cried buckets in only a few minutes. When I fainted, I could hear her, trying to reassure me everything will be okay, and to get up and be strong. She was there throughout as well giving me. My children, my mother and my husband help. Both emotional and physically.