Black and Blue

Epilogue: Blue

Hey Lance,

I know you'll probably never read this, and that's alright. I just ask that whoever does will not hate me.
You've been gone a year now. Far too long for my taste. Last summer was hard. It was hot, of course, but it was also lonely. The school did a little memorial too, but knowing you, you probably would've hated it. Too many fake tears from people who never gave a shit about you.
I miss you. More than you know. Sometimes I wonder whether or not you're even listening. If you're even here with me now. I guess, if you aren't, then I hope you're someplace nice. If anyone deserved to go to a heaven, it was you. It's strange really, the world is colder without you in it. It's like it's lost a precious spark. This whole town's just dark and desolate now.
It isn't fair. But it never was for you, was it? Everything beat you down, but you always got up and smiled to make others happy. I used to think it was annoying, but now I would give anything to see your dumb smile again. To hear your sweet voice resonate in your chest. To hold your hand just one last time.
I wished I had died with you on that cold, snowy concrete. What a stab in the throat it was to find out that I was the one to kill you in the end. You would've thought that was the best way to go, but it wasn't for me. After I left the hospital, I was a wreck. Throughout the days, I was either crying or passed out from exhaustion and dehydration. My chest hurt with a lot more than just my mutilated ribcage. I wish I could tell you that it got better. That I've moved on and found a great guy. But I can't. I can still feel that sadness as I sit here writing this final letter, a year later.

It never had to be like this, you know. Were you really so beaten down that you had to hurt me as well? You didn't have to die. Not right in front of me either. I hate you for that. And it's sad to think of all the things we never got to do-like walking along a beach or sharing an ice cream cone. I guess you didn't love me enough to want those things. Maybe you never did. That's what scares me the most.
I love you. Even now. Even when I'm staring up at the stars, hatred filling my chest. Hatred for your choice. Hatred for your beautiful hair that clung to the snow that day. Hatred for that fucking smile you had on your face as you fell. I tried to hate you every day. I tried so hard. But in the end, I'm just a victim of your cruel game. Fuck you.
I guess that's how I got to where I am today, and where I am while reading this for the last time. It's such a shame. I really thought we were forever. I guess we could still be, but in death.
In the end, I guess we are just a modern Romeo & Juliet. Did you ever understand that book? I bet you liked it. It's fucking dumb. And it's not a love story either. So congratulations! You're just a stupid Romeo, that hastily killed himself before his love. And I'm just a naïve Juliet, broken-hearted over a love that developed in such a short time.
Maybe that's what they will call us in history books. Our story will be skewed and plastered in the media. Taught to children that don't have the capability of understanding the true meaning, making them believe false truths about love. Fuck them. Fuck that.
"Love story" my ass. The only "love" we shared was sex. Looking back, I don't think we were ever on the same page. We weren't close. I still don't know what your favorite fucking movie is. What kind of love is that? A pretty shitty one, I guess.

But still, I love you. I love you enough to make the choices I did. I love you enough to choose this path. To decide my fate. Just like you did. I hope you're happy, you son of a bitch.

And to whoever is reading this, if anyone, don't fall into the same trap. I would hate to see anyone go through what I did. With my choice, I will become a martyr and guardian angel to those in need. I will watch over you while you sleep and wipe your tears when you're lonely. And I will be at your side as you take your last leap, last pill, last drink, last breath. I will welcome you with open arms.

You guys want to turn me into a beautiful tragedy? Fuck you. Don't glorify what you don't understand.

Truly, Sincerely, Forever, Love,