Drawing Lessons

Something New

Something new was afoot.

School was the same as it had always been for Steve. Head down. Walking quickly. Books held in front of him, shielding him from the torrent of people shoving through the hallways. Nonetheless, he got knocked around. That's just how it was for someone as small and frail as Steve, and he was used to it. School had never been a friendly place for him, but there he was anyway, pushing his way through the herd of people in the hallway every single day.

Steve turned a corner and the whole world came to a halt—there he was. He appeared completely out of nowhere, his statuesque physique striding casually down the hallway. His smile hit Steve like a tidal wave, instantly knocking the breath out of him. his brilliant eyes, whatever color they were, glittered as they caught Steve's own. He was warmth, he was magnetic, he was a glistening supernova, the likes of which had never been observed.

Bucky.

Something about his smile and the way he gently touched Steve's shoulder as he passed felt different. There was something about him that just made Steve feel completely safe, as if he had come home after a long time of being away.

The air around Bucky was charged. An electric current running through Steve's whole being, shaking him where he stood. He was more than spellbound, he was bewitched, captivated, possessed. When Bucky materialized before him, Steve could do nothing else but stop in his tracks. Freeze completely and gaze in awe and fascination at the miracle that was his one and only friend.

And still something had changed, shifted. Steve found it difficult to get the words out of his mouth when he was with Bucky. He didn't know what to do when his legs trembled and his stomach did flips. He'd never felt this way before and was completely powerless against it. He felt like a dandelion seed being tossed around in the wind, out of control.

"Hey, punk." a simple greeting, a quick flash of a smile, that was all it took to send Steve flying, floating, drifting into a free fall. When Bucky sat down next to him, Steve could feel the heat emanating from his skin like from a lit fireplace, and Steve was terrified to get too close.

Their knees bumped under a table. Their hands brushed over one another. The scratch of a pencil on paper. A smile that Steve was drowning in.

Everything was spiraling out of control like a truck on an icy road and yet Steve couldn't help but be drawn to the edge, to the brink of unknown just past his known universe.

This was new. Whatever it was, it was new to Steve.

He had no idea what to do.

*                         *                         *

Something new was happening to Bucky.

Nothing was different and yet he shivered when Steve turned the corner and looked up at him. All the hairs on his neck stood up when Steve's hand brushed his. Steve grinned and Bucky fell apart.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. It was impossible to move his muscles in the correct manner to form a smile when Steve was around. He had no control. He couldn't mold the feelings into words, they were just there all the time.

It felt like he couldn't move.

Couldn't breathe.

He couldn't do anything. None of his muscles worked. His breathe wasn't under his command as it came in short, shallow bursts. The colors of his world were exploding in bright new formations and when that song came on the radio he closed his eyes and there was Steve.

He was afraid to move. Afraid to make contact. If Steve was a drop of water then Bucky was on the other side of that window. If Steve was a flower then Bucky could never be a gardener. He was afraid of what might come out of this.

Steve's hand briefly touched Bucky's while he drew and Bucky's entire arm seized up. He couldn't initiate conversation.

His mind could only go back to the question Becca had asked.

"Are you in love with Steve?"

Was he in love?

What did love feel like?

Did it feel like a train crashing into a ten foot wall made of crystal that shattered on impact, the shards flying into the eyes of passersby as the universe imploded? Did it feel like he held something in his clumsy fingers that could fall apart at any minute, leaving him empty and shell-shocked? Did it feel like a free fall on a winter day as his fingers failed to grasp something, leaving himself falling into an avalanche and becoming hopelessly lost?

Bucky had never felt so uncertain as he now did around Steve. It was as if he couldn't mess up. If he made a mistake, went too far, executed a wrong move, he didn't know if he could survive it. And yet he felt so completely free around Steve. It was weird, impossible to describe.

Was this love? Is that what love felt like?

He couldn't handle it, even if it was love.

This was new. Whatever it was, it was new to Bucky.

He had no idea what to do.