Drawing Lessons

Aftermath, incomplete

"Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." is what Bucky woke up to, chanted like a panicked mantra from Steve's mouth as he tried to squirm out of his entanglement in Bucky's arms. Bucky, being deliriously half asleep and not at all sure what was going on, felt as though he we still dreaming. He closed his sleepy eyes again and kept Steve wrapped in his strong arms, only murmuring softly "Shhh..." Before drifting off again as Steve stopped chanting profanity and relaxed into Bucky's embrace.

This lasted only briefly, as Steve's panic rose once again and Bucky fully woke up with a hefty groan.

"What is it Stevie?" Bucky asked, mildly annoyed at being woken up in the middle of the night.

"Fuck. Sorry. Shit." Steve continued on with his string of profanity, stopping only briefly for a hurried apology.

"Language." Bucky admonished gently, wrapping his arms around Steve and tucking his head into the crook between the smaller boy's head and shoulder to reassure him about whatever was going on.

"Sorry." Steve said again, "God, is this some sort of nightmare? Am I lucid dreaming?"

"Why would this be a nightmare, Steve?" Bucky asked openly, as if he would accept any answer no matter how unreasonable. He was still holding the smaller boy in his arms, who was frozen with some sort of unspoken terror.

"Because I'm not wearing any clothes." Steve hissed, tension very much evident in his voice.

Bucky chuckled softly, low and round.

"No, Stevie, that's what makes this a good dream." 

"Wha—?" Steve was cut off by Bucky kissing his neck deeply.

"Oh my god, what the..." Steve responded, pleasant surprise replacing his earlier panic.

"Don't you remember any of last night?" Bucky whispered incredulously at the sound of surprise in Steve's voice.

"I... admittedly I thought that was all just like, a dream." Steve ceded.

"Or a fantasy..." Bucky remarked, looking to get a rise out of Steve. It worked, as Steve elbowed him in the stomach, laughing.

"Hey!" Bucky cried out, "Stop that, you know it's true!"

"I'm not gonna stop until you stop." Steve said, turning over so he was facing Bucky, so close.

"Stop what?" Bucky asked, legitimately wondering.

"Yeah, right, as if you don't know." Steve teased, tracing Bucky's left collarbone with a thin finger.

"I am actually legitimately really very confused." Bucky responded, looking on, baffled, as Steve leaned back and just stared at him for a second.

"Fuck." Steve said simply, letting out a huge breath.

"You seriously need to watch your language." Bucky chided.

"It's just... Why do you have to be so goddamn attractive?" Steve asked, making Bucky sputter and sit up.

"Wh...?" Bucky couldn't form an actual question beyond that incredulous sound.

"Oh come on, you totally knew you were hot. Admit it, you knew!"

"What?" Bucky was still not at all sure how to respond, his cheeks turning bright red and his brain struggling to find words.

"Yeah, you're like the most beautiful boy to ever walk the earth."

"O...okay...? Why... are...?" Bucky still couldn't formulate a proper reaction.

"I'm telling you that now because I've thought it a million times and I guess I'm allowed to say it now. Right?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess uh... recent events would dictate that."

"Yeah... 'revent events'" Steve joked, making Bucky blush and laugh. And kiss Steve. Deeply.

"Hey," Bucky said, pulling his lips back from Steve's but hanging close enough that both of their eyes stayed closed, "I love you Steve."

There was a beat and something shifted in the air between them, some sort of uneasy thought that arose out of nothing. Slowly, as if being blown back by a bomb in half the speed of real time, Steve reeled away from Bucky.

"Steve?" Bucky asked, opening his eyes to see Steve's were still closed, "What is it?"

Steve crinkled his eyes up and knit his brows together, taking in a releasing a shaky, heavy breath.

"Buck," He said it like a question as he opened his eyes to look at the other boy, his voice breaking a little, "How are we possibly gonna make this work? There's no way."

"What are you talking about Stevie?"

"There's no way we can keep quiet forever. This sort of thing... it gets out."

"Why would we want to keep quiet?" Bucky asked.

"Bucky... because you're... you." Steve responded, trying his best not to be unkind but looking away and flailing one hand hopelessly.

"What difference does that make?" Bucky asked, voice incredibly small.

"Buck, you know everyone. Everyone knows you. If people know about... well... this, then it'll ruin your life."

"I don't care if it ruins my life, Steve, I—" Bucky started to say, But Steve put a finger up to quiet him.

"What about your family? Becca? It would affect them too." Steve's voice was hard and rather cold. That, is, if you looked past it's noticeable tremble.

"It isn't right that we should have to hide in the shadows like criminals." Bucky said quietly.

"It's not right." Steve agreed.

They left the conversation there, in unfinished silence. Left it with two boys, curled up, bare and vulnerable, at opposite ends of the coach, afraid.

The silence was deafening.