thoughts

the words i wish i had

          I have so many emotions; so many things I want and need to express to you. So many things I need you to know. I've had this problem for a while. I remember last year, I was trying my hardest to tell you that this life is worth living, and you are worth every waking moment here. It wasn't working like I was hoping and I knew exactly why. I didn't have the words to describe what I was thinking. Luckily, we managed to get through it, but it probably would've gone better if I had the words.

          You have shown yourself to be really good at describing almost exactly how I feel. I have these thoughts racing through my head, dying to be let out with words that properly do them justice. I spend my time trying to figure out just how I could say these. Then you get there first. Suddenly, I know what I'm trying to say, but feel like I can't quite say it still. I don't want you to think that I'm just saying things because you do. I don't want it to feel like I'm just mindlessly repeating things you say. Because that's not how it is at all. I think about these things a lot. I know what I mean and how I feel, I just never have the words

          I thought I could take this moment to try and compile a list of things I want you to know, and may not be able to tell you quite as eloquently later. It's not everything. No list could possibly contain all of the thoughts I have, but I'll do what I can.

- I am madly and deeply in love with you. I've never felt this way about anything before. I'm given this feeling of peace and hope that rests in my core when I'm in your arms.

- You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. You don't see it yet, but you don't need any changes to be pretty because you already are absolutely stunning. I look at you and see utter perfection. You are my favorite work of art.

- You've given me so much more than I could ever ask for: more than I thought possible. A gift I could never quite repay you for. I am eternally grateful for the fact that you've changed everything. I will never want to go back to the life I had before you.

-I can see a light. A pure, warm golden light that resides deep inside your soul. It pours life into my being and wraps it in this sense of tranquility. It's warmth radiates beauty to almost everything in this life and laces it all with the silk thread of elegance. It shines its brightest when you smile. When you laugh the heat grows more intense. Your soft touch eliminates all shadows on the surface you trace. Your light is strong; your light is powerful; your light is good.

-I've always had a pretty bright fire of passion in me for certain things, but your support adds kindling. I rarely ever would talk about the things I love and have opinions for, but you make me feel like you care: something I don't think I've genuinely felt before. You see that I hold strong feelings and standpoints on a handful of subjects, and you support me. You drive the passion in my soul and it's something I didn't know I needed, but now that I have it, I feel like my opinions matter. I feel stronger.

-There is no place where I feel safer than when I am wrapped in your arms. My anxiety is almost nonexistent when I am near you. You know how to dull the sharp edges of my nerves. I always have a feeling of uncertainty that subsides some when I look at you. You are my only constant. You are my security.

-You are the reason I am where I am today. I'm much better than I have been for as long as I can remember. I still have a long way to go, but I am well on my way because of you. I am in a place where I feel content with what I have and eager for the future. I feel hopeful for what life has in store for us. I can sense the all the good that is on it's way.

-You make me feel like I am worth something. For the longest time, I saw myself as absolutely worthless. And honestly, I still feel like that sometimes but you have placed a seed in my mind that maybe I'm wrong. I feel like with good time, maybe that seed could grow into something bigger: something stronger. Maybe someday I will learn to love myself, thanks to you.

-All I care about is your well-being. My biggest goal right now, and well into the future I'm sure, is to provide you with happiness and good health. You deserve only the best in this world. Beyond that, even. I will always do everything in my power to give you the universe. I will give you my all.

        Of course that's not nearly as many thoughts I have throughout the day, but I am going to cut myself off there because I want to publish this as soon as possible. As you can probably see, I am not great with words, but I try my hardest to make it clear to you how I feel. I hope this short list of things helped you see a little. I will continue to do my best to express what I'm thinking to you. You deserve to see how much you mean to me.