Life Time in Repeat (Sope fic)

Chapter 1: An Empty Heart

6:45 am

I wake up and go on with my day like every day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, come home repeat. I had nothing else to do with my life anyway.

I look down at the letter that sits by my bed that I've had for a year but I still haven't read it and I don't plan to. I am tempted to burn it and walk away but it's one of the few things I have left from Yoongi. Except for our texts and photos. It will be been one year since he died. Four since I first met him tomorrow.

I've tried to move on but no matter who I find I never feel like I love them. I feel like my heart is empty ever since he left me. I have tried to live normally but I guess I replaced my heart with routine. I rather feel nothing than remember him. His bloody, lifeless body limp in his bathtub still haunts me to this day. I can never forget the feeling of having my heart broken in so many ways when I saw him. Guilt still eats at my mind when I look back.

I take a breath and head to the office.

When I arrive I sit in my desk and set up ready for the day. I wave good morning to my colleagues and smile as I wait for calls to come in while working on paperwork. The full cycle keeping my mind busy and away from the dark thoughts. Working steadily the day goes by and before I realize it I'm walking home.

My phone buzzes.

Jimi: Hey wanna hang out at the bar. The guys r here 2! ^•^

Me: Sorry...I want to be alone

Jimi: ok

Jimi: stay safe Hyung. We all love you

I lock my phone and enter my apartment. My heartbreaking as the time ticks closer to one year without Yoongi. I head to the kitchen and grab a bottle of jin I had and pour some for myself.

I sip it and sit on my couch. There is no point to trying to act ok tonight. I break down sobbing and screaming.

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!" I yell holding my head.

I shove my table and yell out frustrated, confused, and heartbroken. It has been a year but nothing has gotten better! I am spinning in circles with no purpose. I glance at the picture of us. He's half smiling and I am smiling like an idiot. He never smiled like I did. His were always forced. I should have been a better friend! I am such a loser!

I start sobbing harder as I stumble to my bedroom to hide in bed alone. I don't want people to see me. I land in my bed still crying and choking on tears. I look at the letter. I should read it. He wanted me to. I am disrespecting him if I wait any longer.

I pick it up and hesitate to open it. I force myself to rip it open and pull out the actual letter. Tear stains visible from Yoongi. I start shaking.

Dear Hoseok,

I know why you are reading this. You found me and I know I probably scared you and I know that I am not a pretty sight to behold. I don't know when you are reading this though. Just listen even if it's two minutes after or thirty years after I just want you to understand why. I have never felt alive except for maybe two times. Now listen no I didn't hate the time we were together. They were to only times I felt anywhere close to alive. Hoseok it is not your fault and never will be for this. No...it's mine for not telling you. I never told you how much ever lunch, every rehearsal, every late night text, ever spilled popcorn bowl, every single smile you smiled at me meant to me. I would have given earlier if I had never met you. Hoseok I have so many feelings towards you that I can't explain. I killed myself because I can't stand to look at myself anymore. I can't take a breath without being in pain. My heart hurts when it shouldn't. I just don't want to drag you down! Now you are free to meet the human you love. I hate feeling like I am holding such a talented human back. So goodbye Hobi. Enjoy the good side of life I guess.

I cry out again, "I love you Yoongi! I love you so much I'd do it all over again and tell you how much I love you! I know how you feel now.."

I clutch the letter into my chest sobbing and curl up in bed shaking. My heart felt so empty and lost now that he's gone. He left because he didn't feel alive in the first place. I couldn't even save him.

"Yoongi......I......love you," I choke out falling asleep.

My mind still on the boy who left me.